Driving to Madness

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by nightfallagain, Mar 21, 2016.

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  1. nightfallagain

    nightfallagain Well-Known Member

    Deepened by the emotional collapse

    That, uncaring response

    Crushing my self-worth, my confidence

    Uncaring that drives the hatred for self.

    For the mere physical violations of past,

    It follows me

    Ironically, exhausted from years of self-indulgence

    Lack of effort

    It becomes tougher to hide storms of emotion

    The gauge for trying so hard

    Is not so easy...

    Four years; small successes ; Large disappointments

    Did I get stronger? Did I grow braven?

    The unpleasant, nasty or outrageous

    Sticks in the memory And the good bits blur

    I fiddle with both personalities

    One reluctant and faithful, but slow to accept

    One more social, talkative, friendly,

    One who somehow makes hopes or hopeful plans that stir;

    But this one becomes dominant

    This one can react with impulsive, temperamental passion, even angry explosions

    And it is the one I fear; I cannot identify within the conscious mind.
    Marko and Escape_Artist like this.
  2. Escape_Artist

    Escape_Artist Member

    Deep within the darkness of my mind, I cannot but find the need to define that which blinds...

    Myself from me, from all that I perceive to be; Just living the dream, a vision so obscene as to be...

    Believed in, the reason for which I grieve in my heart, which ever draws me towards...

    The dark, so stark, from which I cannot part.
  3. nightfallagain

    nightfallagain Well-Known Member

    This is deeper than I could ever express, thanks for your response. Perhaps I should work with you on a blog or something? then perhaps society will understand
  4. nightfallagain

    nightfallagain Well-Known Member

    Every time we face up to a problem and resolve it, we grow. I try to remember this every day.

    I have had some time to evaluate the value of a memory and Just because something doesn't last forever, mean it's worth is diminishing. Maybe it was just rationalization. Easier on the soul of what might have been versus a life, unlived? Memories are funny things. The good ones fill my life with meaning, with context, with clarity. But my memories can deceive me. There are ones that make me believe a truth - these are the dangerous ones. The ones that hold me hostage when I look back on all the decisions I have made in my life - the things I do not want to feel. It is something I have tried not to rationalize by being the victim and then bullshitting myself into submission. Fear gathers strength from uncertainty as I hide in a simpler past, when the future cannot be avoided.

    The unpleasant, the nasty or outrageous sticks in my memory. The good bits blur. What is wrong with me? I honestly don't know. But either way, I chose to believe in those memories. I chose to believe that I am not worthy, that I am not a good person. Emotion has become the enemy. It comes quickly, cleanly, and with no confusion in the moment. But I delay it if I feel pushed or obligated given the time to pause. But given the gift..in the spirit of love, kindness and patience.. I chose to believe in him - as a secret similarity, and evoke a "this is so unexpected" response.
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