Dropped out of Uni, living a life of lies

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by EricGladstone, Nov 27, 2012.

  1. EricGladstone

    EricGladstone New Member

    In January I dropped out of University because I was so depressed on the course. I didn't tell anyone I knew though, not even my parents, because of the shame I felt, and the fact that none of them know I've got depression and didn't want them to make a fuss over me. I dropped out over the Christmas Holidays, but pathetically went back and pretended to still be on the course, pretending I was gong to my lectures and seminars, when I'd actually just sit in a park or in my room thinking about the easiest form of suicide. I've even kept the lie going so long that my family and friends think I got a degree, which makes me feel even more disgusting, as I'm getting congratulations for something I never achieved.

    After 'graduating' I moved back home, like a lot of my friends, and claimed the reason I hadn't got a grad job was because I'd be unlucky in the job market, again making me feel like even bigger scum for the sympathy I get. Things started getting a little better as I was away from the stress of having to keep the Uni pretence up and had started eating better and exercising and even got a part-time job at my local supermarket. I was adamant I would get my life back on track and no one would be any the wiser I'd ever dropped out. I was going to use the money I saved from the part-time job to either move abroad or fund a part-time course I'd actually enjoy. But as soon as I started the job I started getting massive bouts of depression and could barely drag myself into work and used to feel anxious when I was there and quit 3 weeks in. Again I didn't tell my parents because they'd be annoyed and I felt so ashamed. Instead I said I'd been offered an office job just for the mornings closer to home. So now every morning I wake up and convince my parents I'm going off to work, when it actual fact I just go to the park and sit there thinking about suicide for 4 hours. I just don't know what to do, I don't feel like I can keep up the lie much longer.

    I know I probably just sound like a weirdo, and an odd ball and my problems are tame compared to most peoples, but I just needed to write this to get it out of my system and tell someone, even if it's just strangers.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you want to start on a new path you will need to get your depression treated ok. Call your doctor it will be kept confidential Talk to your parents ok holding onto a lie only leads to more lies tell them how ill you are and that you need help No more running ok be upfront and get help now You are still so young hun you can find a new path ok but get help
     
  3. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    I haven't even been to university yet. Honestly, I'm terrified to go. I understand what you're going through...about the suicidal thoughts. I hope your life improves.
     
  4. dignitymydear

    dignitymydear New Member

    I'm about to be in the same situation. Trying to figure out how I can get out of school, university has been so hard and I don't know if I can take another semester of feeling this way. It's like if I mess up once, I'm totally screwed for the future and I can't handle that kind of pressure.
     
  5. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    If it helps to make you feel any better, actually completing University doesn't magically make the world any different.

    I finished my Bachelor of Science 3 years ago and have yet to work a single job related to it. In fact I've been unemployed for over a year now because I can't get hired at the most basic of jobs. I'm too smart apparently.

    University actually ruined my life. I have a massive debt that has completely sucked dry any savings I had.

    And because I didn't become a nice little zombie student that just accepted everything I was told by professors who only know the material because they've spent the last 15-30 years living it, I don't have the networking I needed to get a job. Because in the real world it doesn't actually matter what you know, just who you know.

    Tell your parents before it really is too late to do anything.
     
  6. vhanna26

    vhanna26 Active Member

    I agree with Bigman2232. Getting a job is tough even if you have a degree, and as difficult as it may be, telling your parents may lift some of your anxiety.
     
  7. Musker3

    Musker3 New Member

    Heya Fella,

    I agree with the first response, best way to deal with your problems is to bite the bullet, accept them and start looking for realistic ways to solve em. The doctors can give you the tools you need to get a little more focused and deal with the issues in the mean time. however living a lie is not going to do you any good. I would suggest letting your parents know the situation, good parents will support you...but of course there will be an adjustment phase and they will most likely be angry/hurt and you will probably feel worse as a result but believe me all bad things end!

    First steps always the hardest but afterwards you can look to sort out what you actually want to do in life, a lot of people get it wrong first time round( myself included) but i find as you make more steps and try new things the path starts to take a little more shape and things gradually get better. If you need some quick fixes try setting small goals for yourself and achieving them, can be a fantastic little ego boost and as confidence grows you can get more ambitious.

    Surround yourself with friends and people who make you feel good and my personal favorite is to listen to some music you enjoy :D

    Now I'm no doctor/expert but iv had a fair few low points, not too dissimilar to yourself so i can relate. If you need a chat let me know fella. :D
     
  8. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    Hi, i agree i think you need to let your family know the situation as keeping up with this will only isolate you even more. I do agree with Bigman2232 that it is difficult to find work even with a degree. I graduated a few months back and have had to take a temp job working in retail as i cant get anything else. I have learnt that life is hard even more so when your alone [like me]..i hope you manage to sort things with your family and work towards getting it resolved.