I am 25 now. But back in the past, during high school I did not fit in socially. I never belonged to a clique or felt like I belonged to my high school's social scene. Around the later years of high school I stopped believing in the myth of "education". These two factors, not believing the myth of academia and no sense of social belonging led me to dropout of highschool at age 17. I started to reject society and refused to participate, albeit unconsciously at the time (but now I am aware of this unannounced rejection). I excercised this rejection by retreating to my mom's house and not leaving the house much, not going back to school or getting a steady job for over 7 years now. Now I am 25, in a constant state of fear, anxiety and depression. I feel like I do not belong to this world. Part of the reason why I reject this world is because of the radical and philosophical books which I have read that deconstruct our miserable man made society. Despire this I realize I will have to make a decision to participate in this society or drop out by killing myself. In participating by getting a job, I feel I should go through an apprenticeship, or go to Community College to get some kind of job skills, before even trying to get a job(because without job skills and experience and without the social skills to work up a company ladder I will be struggling financially forever if I do not do something now). I also have no true friends and have never had a girlfriend ever in my life, despite my advancing age. I am leaning more toward suicide because: 1) Whenever I have tried to go back to school or get a job before this point in time, I have felt my depression combine with a sense of hopelessness and I break apart and want to leave the situation 2) I have no true friends to lean on for support 3) I feel no matter what I do, I am innately unhappy on the inside 4) Every goal I set for myself I seem to fail at. A recent example: I have been trying to gain weight by weightlifting using a program outlined in the book Starting Strength but I am failing because my depression makes me not want to eat most of the time. The more effort I put into setting my goal to eat more, the more depressed I am and the less I eat. 5) I do not know how to make friends, interact socially well, date or how to earn a steady paycheck, all I know is how to stay at the margins of our society 6) The weight of 7+ years of doing predominately nothing drags me down and stows my internal furnace. I have no more flame. So I think I will have to drop out of my life which I never asked to attend but I am forced to out of circumstances that my parents only had control over and not me. But only I can end it.