Dropping out of life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Royfokker, Jul 13, 2007.

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  1. Royfokker

    Royfokker Member

    I am 25 now.

    But back in the past, during high school I did not fit in socially. I never belonged to a clique or felt like I belonged to my high school's social scene. Around the later years of high school I stopped believing in the myth of "education". These two factors, not believing the myth of academia and no sense of social belonging led me to dropout of highschool at age 17.

    I started to reject society and refused to participate, albeit unconsciously at the time (but now I am aware of this unannounced rejection). I excercised this rejection by retreating to my mom's house and not leaving the house much, not going back to school or getting a steady job for over 7 years now.

    Now I am 25, in a constant state of fear, anxiety and depression. I feel like I do not belong to this world. Part of the reason why I reject this world is because of the radical and philosophical books which I have read that deconstruct our miserable man made society. Despire this I realize I will have to make a decision to participate in this society or drop out by killing myself. In participating by getting a job, I feel I should go through an apprenticeship, or go to Community College to get some kind of job skills, before even trying to get a job(because without job skills and experience and without the social skills to work up a company ladder I will be struggling financially forever if I do not do something now). I also have no true friends and have never had a girlfriend ever in my life, despite my advancing age.

    I am leaning more toward suicide because:
    1) Whenever I have tried to go back to school or get a job before this point in time, I have felt my depression combine with a sense of hopelessness and I break apart and want to leave the situation
    2) I have no true friends to lean on for support
    3) I feel no matter what I do, I am innately unhappy on the inside
    4) Every goal I set for myself I seem to fail at. A recent example: I have been trying to gain weight by weightlifting using a program outlined in the book Starting Strength but I am failing because my depression makes me not want to eat most of the time. The more effort I put into setting my goal to eat more, the more depressed I am and the less I eat.
    5) I do not know how to make friends, interact socially well, date or how to earn a steady paycheck, all I know is how to stay at the margins of our society
    6) The weight of 7+ years of doing predominately nothing drags me down and stows my internal furnace. I have no more flame.

    So I think I will have to drop out of my life which I never asked to attend but I am forced to out of circumstances that my parents only had control over and not me. But only I can end it.
     
  2. is_god_alanis

    is_god_alanis Member

    have you considered counseling? I have just made an appointment and i'm really scared but i'm hoping it will help. You say you have no friends to lean on for support, is there no family you can lean on? If you started college it'll be a new opportunity to find friends, it'll be scary and hard but it'd be worth it. I was watching a programme the other night about death and lifestyles, its not that related but the coroner said something which stuck with me when he said you either end up on this slab sooner or later in life. It just made me think that i should make the effort to try and change everything to be happy in life. We die and thats it in my opinion, nothing more, so even though you're depressed and have anxiety now, whats to say that with the right help and treatment you could be 90% or more of the way cured in 5 years time? You'll never know unless you make the effort to change the way you're feeling.
     
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Your situation sounds a lot like mine. The only difference is that although I do feel kind of imprisoned, I don't really want out. I want to live life my way and the world and I are wired entirely differently. Incompatible interface. I don't want to be a an automaton. The way other people live offends me. They are little more than screwdrivers and hammers in my view. How could I possibly wish to join them?

    There are ways of living independently but it takes above average intelligence and it's swimming upstream. Of course, giving in and getting a regular job also ends up being an upstream battle as well because you aren't meant to ever get ahead and everything is in place to either keep you where you are, tear you down or use you as a tool.
     
  4. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    You sound like me in the goals reaching part..Everything I go for, turns me down..I have a HUGE obsession problem with an older man..not that I like him anymore..but I am so obsessed with him...I harrass all of his friends..or maybe not harrass, but I talk to them behind his back online..and I pretend to be someone else..I plant schemes..He was married twice..so I'm playing games on him concerning his first wife..I'm planning to call his 1st wife and pretend to be his 2nd ex wife..If he pisses me off..WE are a terribly long story!..But Friday...I had planned to commit suicide..take a buch of pills..I even have a suicide journal..the funny thing about this whole thing is that..I know God is real, and I"m "suppose" to be Christian..I do believe that Jesus is the son of God, but I believe I have a HUGE mental problem jest like my parents..Dad was Schitzo..(probably spelled that wrong)..Mom was depressed..parents seperated..living miserablyy with my grandparents..I"m a total wreck..I believe eventually, I will end up doing it..I mean soon..really soon..It seems as if anything bad could happen..it happens to me! WHY?!

    I"m so sick and depressed..ALWAYS having nervous break downs..:(..NEED HELP!!

    The worst thing about it is..I"m only 17.:unsure:
     
  5. Royfokker

    Royfokker Member

    is_god_alanis: Ever since age 17 I have been in alot of therapy sessions and have also received various medications with the supervision of psychologists.

    Random: I just learned from browsing the internet that what we have is called social withrawl(it is interesting that none of my psychologists and my therapist never told me about social withdrawl). I was complacent with my situation for a ong time, too long. Now I realize I am just hurting myself because I cannot live off my family forever, and the more years I am removed from society the harder it is for me to enter again.
     
  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, not only that but you get used to it and it becomes your way of life. It isn't unpleasant (at least not for me) except for the fact that you know you can't do it forever and you feel every tick of the clock.
     
  7. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    I feel that too randomsky, little screwdrivers & hammers. May I add the nail gun. They all run now as powertools. I made a conscious decision to unplug me from the society except from my family. I like coming to the internet bec here there is no unpleasantness to see or hear or the inattention of the people. They talked like the rabbits in their head. There is almost no breath in between. I have to breath for them. So I concentrate mostly on daydreaming. My only connection to the outside is via the waves,except from that I do n't have the desire to accomodate people's acceptance nor the society's thoughts. I don't even see the need of a cell phone. Live day by day & be creative as best as you can. Every thing is made out of the left handed mind so come to grip with your other hand & you can . I can be imprisoned physically but I have not, but chances are I will do the same there.
     
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You know something, society has both it's good and bad points. Bad points being that society tells us who we should be instead of accepting individuality. It's pathetic.

    But despite this, anyone can find a place in life and make their own lives. You feel alone but i'm sure in time as you work and go out more, your circle of close people will expand.

    It's tough but don't give up on life.
     
  9. Royfokker

    Royfokker Member

    I am in Community College now. I hate it. Our society is very evil to have an institution like school. It is just a huge waste of everyone's time.

    I feel like I will have to kill myself eventually, but I am currently stalling on false chances of hope. I cannot spend my life going to school then working some shit job and maybe raising a family. I do not want any of that, no school, no work, no family.
     
  10. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Roy,
    How long have you been in college now? I am so sorry that you hate it and that you feel the way that you did. Depending on where you live have you thought about maybe trying to do an Online College? I go to College but I go online for the fact that I have a son I want to be able to stay home with and take care of while going to College. I am here if you want to talk. Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss

    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  11. Royfokker

    Royfokker Member

    Most of my courses are online. It is just that school is bullshit, school only is meant to reward the more obedient elements of society with slightly more pay and job opportunities. I have to take 21 courses to get a Associate degree and nearly half really are not relevant to my major. It teaches you that as long you co-operate with nonsense and wasting your life you will be OK and rewarded with a degree to demand higher pay and job opportunities in the workforce.
     
  12. Aegis2003

    Aegis2003 Active Member

    I am curious... what philosophical books did you read?
     
  13. Royfokker

    Royfokker Member

    Stangely most of them are available online.
    One Dimensional Man http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/marcuse/works/one-dimensional-man/index.htm
    The Society of Spectacle http://www.bopsecrets.org/SI/debord/index.htm
    Underground History of American Education http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/underground/
    On the Poverty of Student Life http://www.bopsecrets.org/SI/poverty.htm

    Reading the above make me not want to make the necessary compromises to live in such a rotten society, it is better to have never been born.
     
  14. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can truly relate to what you're going through.

    I think about suicide every day. I'm in my 40s, and I have no steady girlfriend and no job. Thankfully, I have a roof over my head, because when my parents died, I bought a condo. I'm training myself for a new career and it's very stressful. When you change your life, you feel like you're dying.

    Anyway, my grandfather died, and my cousin succumbed to schizophrenia. I'm living off my savings, which won't last long. I'm hit by bills left and right, but I'm filling out job applications. Absolutely no one has called me back. I can safely say there's no reward to being an adult in this so called "civilization".

    In my 20s and 30s I could work at jobs for 5 years at a stretch. None of them has ever lead to a career, only being laid off, fired, or out of business. Now I'm looking for extra income and no one wants to give me a chance. I constantly have violent thoughts about killing employers, co-workers, and myself. I can't tell you how much I hate this fucking world.
     
  15. Royfokker

    Royfokker Member

    pit, you may want to try the book What Color is Your Parachute it tells you how to job hunt more effectively there. That book says instead of focusing filling out applications you should tap your social networks to find what jobs are available or may become available. Which is a problem for someone like me because my social network is very small.

    I enrolled in the local County College and school makes me want to kill myself. To be a good student I have to waste my time to do alot of homework and studying to learn things I have no particular immediate need to learn or liking for. So I feel like I am wasting my life. Alof of the courses I am taking are online because I thought they would save time. I thought online courses would have alot of the advantages of in person classes; that at least the teacher would give you notes that you could print out but they do not. They just assign homework(which is administered through the website of the given textbook publisher) and tests and you fend for yourself. Instead of simply doing the homework required I get severe panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide, all while mostly alone. I try to jump into the homework problems too quick because I just want to get past it then panic when I do not know how to do it. Even if I was a good student I would still be a loser because most of the courses I am taking because they are on a curriculm checksheet to get a degree. The only reason I need the degree is because people suffer in the workplace if they do not have a degree, they have less job opportuntieis, less pay(even if they do the same job as someone with a degree). So either way I will suffer. I have failed at too many things in life and I cannot take another failure. I will have no confidence to try anything again because I will look back into my past and see I failed/srtuggled through most of life, quiting too many activities I started.

    I feel in this world people cannot truly be happy because the goal of our society is not to really make people truly happy. We would not organize our lives mostly around school and work if society was meant to make people happy. I just want to be happy for once, but do not know how. I feel that
    constitutionally I cannot be so. Everytime I have tried school or the workforce I feel despair, hopelessness, convincing me I do not belong in this world.
     
  16. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the recommendation, Roy, but like you, my social network is nil to nonexistent. The students at my school pretty much are out for themselves.

    I've tried being a team player and help people out as much as I can, but only a couple people helped me out in return. I'm grateful for that.

    Two major incidents at the school disturbed me. I once worked for a teacher who ran a business outside the school that she thought would be good for me. I worked for her and she took advantage.

    It took me two months to get paid and she threatened me with owing her money due to a sneaky clause in her contract. Plus, she constantly criticized everything I did, even when it was good.

    I brought this to the attention of the director, but she couldn't do anything, since this was outside of the school.

    The next incident has to do with the software I am using for my career. They upgrade their product a couple times a year, and if you don't keep up, you pay. Even if you skip a few upgrades, you must pay for the upgrades you skip.

    I wish someone would put a bullet through these yuppie professionals' heads. Money grubbing corporate filth is what they are.

    I feel I could have a nervous breakdown any day. I accomplished a lot, got good grades, but I still feel miserable.

    It would be easier if I had family around for support, but I don't. I ask myself why am I still living. I'm getting weak, but life is for the strong.

    You'll probably refer me to therapy, but I've been through that route as well. I can't afford it, so I attend depression and 12 step groups. Anyway, thanks for reading my post.
     
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