drowning, drowned, gone in tunnel

[mindoftheinsane]

hurt , I hurt because of so many things, so many things I hide I need to tell them but I have huge quantities of guilt and selfishness because I don’t feel I have any right. I feel I should ignore me but right now I can’t cope n for once I need to share so IM SORRY for being a pest n writing stuff please forgive me.

I hurt , this monster is killing me, I not coping, I cant seem to fight, its all to hard. Its so alone here, I need to talk about specifics , im going to try but im scared of the emotions it will bring up but I need to face them, but im scared ……..

I have a disability which stops me doing mundane things like hold a knife , it gets to me , its so mild but it affects my whole life, I feel so inferior, worthless , just a nobody, ive had 19 years of bullying n abuse from various people because they don’t like me n how I look.

My parents control me day in day out , they treat me like 5 yr old n its generally a huge stress being here, its draining n hard work, my mum has renal failure n I worry bout it all time in case she gets ill.

I feel im losing my head, im confused n scared n so much is there. Im worthless I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere , I should hide, n never be found, im worthless disabled cripple who shouldn’t be alive . im tired of it , im sick of it all.

I need things I cant have but I need them . I need to feel, , im lost, im drowning with no way out

 

[*dilligaf*]

lots and lots of hugs hun
im always here for you
xxxxxxx
:hug:

 

[cthulhu]

i have often felt this same way...wanting to keep tose around me safe, and wanting to hide my illness...i spent the last 8 years trying to hide my feelings and pain from some one...it has nearly cost me my life, it is no way to live...you are a human being and deserve the same respect and consideration you give everyone els regardless of your illness. though we are in the end resposible for our won acctions, we cant be expectesd to controll our selfs 100% if the time, and it si the resposablility of those around us to not provoke or instigsate or enflame or illness,i know it is hard, and i know that we cant control other acctions, but do want to hide away bacause of it is not the answer, the answer is to find a group of people that do understand and are willing to put out a little efort on our behalf and strive to aid us in our strugles...i have cut so very many people from my life ecause they were not safe, or they refused to monitore there accions, i lost my mariage bacause my wife refused to comprimise her own emotions to save me from harming her or my self(i suffer from a rage disorder, in the same family as epilepsy...kinda)..she wanted to push my butons and watch me dance, and by the end i beleaved i was worthless and needed to be locked in a paded cell for the rest of my life...i have learened, on this site and from those still close to me as well as a select few very dear friends, that i have value and i dont need to be locked up...you and i are whom we are...we cant change that...but we cant hate our selfs for it eather...we must one and all embrace our qualities or faults and asests and learn to live with them, with out my past and with out my illness i would not be who i am, and i would not trade or hide that for any thing on earth...i will always strive to be a better person but i will also strive to find peace with my self and who i am...


sorry for the long post, kinda had a lot to say on this subject...it hit kinda close to home....ignor it if you dont finde it helpful....