Drowning my mind in non-stop TV

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by meeko1004, Mar 24, 2011.

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  1. meeko1004

    meeko1004 Well-Known Member

    My life right now is a big fat nothing.
    I have zero motivation even though there's this bell going off at the back of my mind telling me that I have a lot of work to do that needs to get done soon.
    If there was a localized portion of the brain responsible for motivation and desire, there would be dead tissue where mine should be.
    I won't eat, even when I'm so weak my legs are shaking going down the stairs, and I feel nauseated and have a pounding headache.
    Sometimes I won't get out of bed to even go to the bathroom until I absolutely have to.
    I just have absolutely no desire to be here.
    Instead I drown my brain in non-stop TV and movies. The lives of other characters is a relief from myself. I can't seem to break my eyes away from the screen. I don't know what outside of this screen I'm so afraid of. But I am. I am constantly afraid. always.
    And the more I watch, the more time I waste avoiding a world that is too unbearable for me to face, the more I loath myself for what I've become.
    I fear my brain is now irreparably frazzled - too depressed to be of much use or accomplish anything worthwhile in the future.
    I feel my life is over and that I'm already dead. I can't see how anything can or will ever change in the days to come.
     
  2. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    I know how you feel with the drowning out thing. I won't pretend to have an answer, because mine wasn't exactly beneficial. I will however let you know that you are not alone. I played videogames, surfed the web, and even read (can you believe it?) to escape my reality. Of course, I don't mean "I read a book, and it was pretty good. Maybe I'll read another by that author" I mean I read 600-800 page books every week DURING school. Whenever the teachers talked, I read, then guess what we were going to do. That didn't end well.

    But I am off-topic. I do that. Anyways, I have run for a very long time, and watched others try to, as well. I wish it would work, but it leads to more problems. Do you have a therapist? If you don't, you should get one. The only way to break this cycle of escape and self-hate is to beat the thing you're afraid of. Therapists can help you do that.

    *hugs
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    One thing for sure is that you are definately alive, but barely. It sounds like you are just existing which is no life at all. There is pleanty of life out there to discover and to enjoy you just have to get over this bump in the road. I used to drown myself in books. Anything to take my mind off of the reality of my mental and physical state. Fear drove me to avoid any kind of self-reflection that I needed in order to move on and grow. Sounds like the same thing is happening to you.
    The truth of the matter is that change is easy, and your problems may seem scary, but they can be fixed and once you confront the truth of everything you will realize that it wasn't as bad as you thought. I hope you take that small leap of faith and try something new. You may have headaches because you are dehydrated, and hungry. I am not going to lie to you, you are wasting away if you deny yourself food and water, and it is killing you. You can overcome this, and you can see what life is really about, but it starts with you. I would force myself to do the things I know I need to do in order to survive. A little bit at a time, and fresh air sounds like a great idea too. JMPO. Blessings..
     
  4. meeko1004

    meeko1004 Well-Known Member

    I suppose the first step in the right direction is the hardest.
    It takes so much effort to push oneself to the point where you don't think but just do.
    I just took a super long bath and then showered, and my head feels a little clearer now.
    Right now, I'm just trying to fish out one task I can do, and trying not to think about what's the most urgent or overwhelming task I need to get done.
    It's all I can do to slowly peel myself off the floor.

    Sometimes, I think starving and dehydrating myself is my brain's passive-aggressive way of expressing my wish to die despite my conscious unwillingness to put my family through that kind of pain.

    It's a queer space we occupy, us depressed suicidals - ever suspended between life and death... it tires one out so...
     
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a great start, and you are absolutely right. The first step is the hardest in everything, but once you do it, it is smooth sailing from there. Just do little things at a time until you are strong enough both mentally and physically to move onto bigger things. I ave full confidence that you can do it, and come out of this rut a better and stronger person. Blessings..
     
  6. meeko1004

    meeko1004 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Daphna.
     
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You are welcome. No one expects you to be super human. We are all imperfect one way or the other. It just takes time, and effort. :hug:
     
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