I absolutely am at breaking point. I actually can't even begin to contemplate how I am supposed to get past this dark place. How do I go to sleep and know I'll wake up in the same misery, or procure any hope for the future when I don't even know how I'll get through tomorrow. I am just at the point where I desperately need this struggle to end. It's been a constant stream of crisis and chaos in my life and there is nothing I can do. I have failed at all attempts to get myself in a better place, to be healthy to do something with my life but I always succumb to depression and just never ever do I reach my goals. I actually see suicide as a merciful ending for myself, because living is traumatic and agonising. I have no one to talk to and when I do talk to someone, I either get sent to a psych ward or my thoughts and worries are quietly dismissed. I don't know how people cope in these times. I don't know what to do? How to muster up the energy and fight to trudge through another day/week/month/year knowing that there isn't going to be respite any time soon. I have really sought God during these times but even that has failed me this time. I am a christian, I believe in God and his "plan" but I don't agree with it. Not in my case anyway. My pain exceeds coping resources and the desire to fight for a better life. I really desperately want to disappear. I hate feeling this way, hating myself, hating my life, hating my circumstance, hating God's hesitation to help me. I have begun to hate my family, friends and human nature. I can't stop crying and man.... I feel like there is a vacuum of despair inside that I am getting sucked into. I can't stop reliving my mistakes, the regret, the guilt, the missed opportunities, relationships, money. I need relief so badly.