My birthday is in a few minutes and all I can think of is how unbearable things are. I got difficult to accept news this evening and I don't know how I am going to get through this. I am struggling so much financially and had two strings of bad luck earlier in the week. I need a job so badly. I had one, but out of the blue they went on break and told me work would resume in a couple weeks, only to never return. I lost valuable time when that happened. I don't know how people do this. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I have done so well lately and learned to cope without thinking of suicide, but right now I wish I could have those thoughts and maybe even carry it out. Instead I'm trying to be strong, but I do not feel strong one bit. It is so sad. I feel I finally recovered from my abusive past, but now I it looks like I recovered just a little late for things to be okay for me. I might have to go back to the abusive environment and then who knows how long it will take for me to get out again and to be okay. This is why I wish I could be suicidal and just end it all, knowing I had an amazing last year of my life and went out somewhat on top.