Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by me84, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. me84

    me84 Active Member

    I'm spiraling out of control. I have ptsd from rape. It has been around 7 years and its just killing me slowly. I stopped loving because of fear. I don't talk to anyone because I'm ashamed. I self harm constantly. It's like my body starts to hurt and burn until I relieve the pressure from anxiety. I don't believe in a future. I feel like I'm a raise of air.
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi me84, I see you have been a member here for some time now, so its a pleasure to meet you. I cant pretend to have all the answers or a cure because that would be a lie.

    So where are you at with therapy and meds, are you getting any I guess is the question I am trying to ask. You know how this place operates, its all confidential and anonymous so you can talk freely here.

    I have to take beta blockers for my anxiety. My heartrate just goes off the scale, so I have to make sure I try and keep it as low as possible. But when I am in a panic attack, thats easier said than done. I have no idea where you are in the world. I know in the USA meds are very expensive and a lot of people cannot afford them.

    Have you been in hospital at all for what you are going through? I have no idea about your situation, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I wont patronise you and pretend I know whats its like, I dont and never will. But you can always talk to us here at SF. We are open 24/7. I am UK based, so not always available to others around the globe. But if you want to PM me anytime here or Start a Conversation, please feel free to do so. I know in the real world you feel alone and isolated, but you dont need to feel that way when you come to SF.
  3. moxman

    moxman I have a lot of work to do.

    Hi me84, I am Mox

    Because you posted under the forum , Suicidal Thoughts, you are having suicidal thoughts? If you do not feel safe please go to the nearest ER and get the help you need.

    I hate to see you going through so much. Maybe if you shared more of your story, we could help you more? I also have PTSD so I have an idea of what you are going through. It sounds like you are in a really bad place. How can we help you?

    Take Care of Yourself
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I have been in the same situation as you. I have PTSD from 3 seperate instances of sexual abuse/rape. It is am awful and horrible thing to have survived. IMO next to war it is probably the worst thing in the world. Have you been seeking therapy? Support groups? The website rainn.org has a lot of resources for survivors of sexual assault. I hope you feel better soon and please take care.
    me84 likes this.
  5. me84

    me84 Active Member

    It seems the more I try with yet another therapist they can't help me. I have seen over 20. Even my psychiatrist doesn't know any more ways to try and help me. I have stayed in the hospital for weeks but it just gets my flashbacks going and have panic attacks . I can never finish a session
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I also have ptsd :( it is crippling sometimes but the good news is that you can recover from it. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist or doctor? May I ask, was the rape reported? Sometimes we need closure in our life and radical acceptance however hard it is and to think of like, it is what it is. You must move on from it no matter now hard. You CAN beat this and I believe you will and LOL at us replying at the same time.

    So further on... you have seen 20 therapists, wow. Would you try CBT.DBT. or any of them? They can help PTSD. What kind of therapy has it been based on? Sorry to hear you are having panic attacks they are absolutely dreadul, I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Maybe finding a new psychiatrist is key :)
  7. me84

    me84 Active Member

    Cbt and dbt throw me in a world of panic attacks. I just cant talk about it. And I'm solo tired of trying to stay here for my family. I have a bad feeling I will just end it soon
  8. moxman

    moxman I have a lot of work to do.

    We are for you if you change your mind. You sound like you are really struggling. Let us help you. But you have to open up some and share what you are feeling so we can help.

    Take Care of Yourself
  9. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @me84, you have not tried everything yet. There could be other avenues to explore. In your situation, I dont think you can dismiss anything. There must be something or somebody or both, that can help you, we just have to find it. The more we know, the easier that job becomes. It could be that you need a combination of therapies in conjunction with each other to break the cycle.

    Where are you at with medication, if you take any. Whats the health insurance situation if you need/have any.

    We desperately want to help and support you, but that can only happen with your full cooperation and input. Without that, its a very difficult task.
  10. me84

    me84 Active Member

    I have tried over 16 anti depressants. Valum, xanex kolonopin. Pretty much everything you can think of. Im on 8 meds right now. Nothing helps
  11. moxman

    moxman I have a lot of work to do.

    I hate to hear you are having such a hard time finding the right medication for you. Why don't you share your story with us? Put your burden down and share it with us. We want to help you but we can't if you don't open up and share what is going on with you. Why do you feel this way? What has happened in your life to cause you this much pain?

    If you don't share , we can't help you
  12. me84

    me84 Active Member

    I have ptsd because I was molested as a child had an abusive alcoholic partner from 15 to 18. I was raped at 25. I just don't believe in relationships anymore or even having a family and it hurts so much
  13. moxman

    moxman I have a lot of work to do.

    Wow, I am sure you are in A LOT of pain and you are hurting very badly inside. Thank you for sharing that, I know that was not an easy thing for you to do.

    You sound like you are in a world of pain. I want you to promise me that if you are in danger of hurting yourself ; you will take yourself to the ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help. We want you to be SAFE.

    I also have PTSD , I grew up in a virtual war zone and an abusive mother; and abusive alcoholic step-father. So I kinda understand what you are going through with PTSD. I know though our PTSDs are not the same and while we have the same illness; we may be going through totally different aspects of the illness.

    Are you receiving any kind of treatment for this? What kind of help are you getting?

    How could we help you more?

    You are important to us, I care about what happens to you; and the pain, you are in.

    Always feel free to PM/IM me if you want to talk about something in private or if you are just having a really bad day. I am here for you.

    Take Care of Yourself
  14. me84

    me84 Active Member

    I just cant Get past my past. It's gonna kill me . I have a psychiatrist but we are pretty out of options meds wise. It like .. Ok what would you like to try now?I feel like there is a is a fire deep I side my body and it hurts and never goes away. I can't live like this
  15. moxman

    moxman I have a lot of work to do.

    What has happened to you to make you feel this way? I WOULD love to help you ; but it is a two step process. You share, I help you.

    Feel free to PM/IM if you want to chat in private for any reason.

    How can we help you?

    Take Care
  16. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about EMDR?
  17. me84

    me84 Active Member

    me84Active Member
    I have ptsd because I was molested as a child had an abusive alcoholic parent from 15 to 18. I was raped at 25. I just don't believe in relationships anymore or even having a family and it hurts so much