I feel like I'm drowning. 3,000 miles. A year. Four medications away. And I still just don't know how to live my life. I'm so tired. Tired of thinking the same thoughts. Missing the same people. Crashing up against the same bad memories. I'm so tired it hurts. Nothing works. Nothing stops it. The constant rhythm of my thoughts, so repetitive, banging up against my skull. I am trussed and bound in confusion, obsession, depression, despair so deep I don't know what to do anymore. And I have nor reason for it. I am alone in a foreign country without my therapist or my friends, missing people who probably don't miss me, not missing enough the people who do. I cannot plan. I cannot concentrate long enough to figure out a way to help myself or even to plan the more basic, realistic things, like trips. Conversation is difficult. I know that I need to go out and socialize but it leaves me feeling so tired and just as empty. I ache with this pointless longing, for answers, for purpose, for someone to tell me why things happen the way they do. Memory is a burden and I wish I could just tear it out of my skull. I do not want to die, but I do not know how to live.