Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning. 3,000 miles. A year. Four medications away. And I still just don't know how to live my life. I'm so tired. Tired of thinking the same thoughts. Missing the same people. Crashing up against the same bad memories. I'm so tired it hurts. Nothing works. Nothing stops it. The constant rhythm of my thoughts, so repetitive, banging up against my skull. I am trussed and bound in confusion, obsession, depression, despair so deep I don't know what to do anymore. And I have nor reason for it. I am alone in a foreign country without my therapist or my friends, missing people who probably don't miss me, not missing enough the people who do. I cannot plan. I cannot concentrate long enough to figure out a way to help myself or even to plan the more basic, realistic things, like trips. Conversation is difficult. I know that I need to go out and socialize but it leaves me feeling so tired and just as empty. I ache with this pointless longing, for answers, for purpose, for someone to tell me why things happen the way they do. Memory is a burden and I wish I could just tear it out of my skull. I do not want to die, but I do not know how to live.

 

I found that keeping a thought journal greatly helps to sort out thoughts and ideas, good or bad. You can keep it under your pillow, as the ideal times to write to it are before sleep and after waking(preparing for the day).
It helped me greatly to move onto more important concepts and make me a more goal orientated person.

 

:hug:

I'm sorry your hurting so much right now. It sounds like you are emotionally and mentally fatigued.

Keeping a journal is a great idea to help sort through ideas, plans and self talk. When we have to take the time to write them out is slows up the process so we can take it in more slowly. Especially when your feeling emotionally and mentally flooded!

Is there anyone who knows you that you can call and tell them your feeling this way and having a hard time problem solving. Someone who can give you advise, even if its over the phone, to help you get a direction to move into? Someone you trust?

 

Not really. No one who wouldn't end up overly worried. But I've made an appointment with the Uni's counseling services. I hate the awkwardness of new therapists, but it's better than nothing.

And thanks for the journalling idea. I keep a sort of poetry journal. It's like a normal one but just chronicled in poetic form instead. It helps a bit. ::shrug:: Also, just expressing my overwhelmedness here helps. Makes me feel a bit less alone in my own head.

 

I too feel badly cause YOU feel so badly. I want to reach out to you, give you a big hug and comfort you, but I can't do it "in real time", so I'll offer the best I have in cyber-time: a big hug and my friendship always, and listening ears or a shoulder to cry on when you are weeping.

love,:hug:

least

 

Well you are like me taking life slowly :biggrin: . But if the answers to what we wanted to do in life came easy that would make life dull. Granted always wandering around in confusion is embarrassing and dull too. Just remember you do not have to do just one thing. You can do something then something else then something else.

As for friends, I know exactly how you feel. I have never had any friends, really, in my entire life. I always have to move around from school to home. And soon I will have to move around until I find a secure job. The world is terrifying, being alone is terrifying, but the most terrifying thing is trying to get rid of that loneliness. I am right there with you. I try to smile and talk to people everyday, sometimes I get a "Hello" out but anxiety kicks in. I am hoping that one day I will be alone in a new place where I have a clean slate. Then I can put what little dignity and pride I have left out there.

Just hold on as long as you can friend. I am right there with you I feel myself slowly drowning everyday.

 

BelovedDreamer,

Thats very brave of you to take the steps necessary to seek out the help you need by seeing the uni's therapist....I know that has got to be very difficult for you....we're here for you if you need any extra support...keep us up to date on how things are going.....best thoughts for you......-Jodi