Drowning

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by galalleni, Apr 6, 2008.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy Y'all,

    May not be around too much longer. Just emptied a couple fifth's of whisky - not even feeling drunk (Liver must have adapted). Listening to my favorite song Spiritual by Johnny Cash - feeling the urge to run down to the train tracks right now and pass out there (at least I won't feel anything). Not sure where I'm headed, just the pain and sorrow has eaten away at me, nothing is left inside of me (I'm defeated) - can't bear all this weight on my own, it's destroyed me. Hope you all can find some solace or peace in your lives.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    galalleni -

    please don't do it.

    it's hard to keep going when you are so exhausted, i know & have been there myself, but you won't always feel as bad as you do right now. it is possible to heal from depression and feeling suicidal and when that happens this will all seem like a bad dream. please hang on,

    c
     
  3. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Dorm mate drove by where I was passed out on the tracks - dragged me into his car and put me in my room - woke up this morning feeling kind of strange. Realizing I'm pretty normal - this world is just a very fucked up place.

    Feeling I should just piss my life away in the bottom of a bottle and whatever else I can do to escape this crazy world. Going down to my basic animal instincts - losing all sense of what it is to be human.
     
  4. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy Y'all,

    Heading to the counselor this morning - probably gonna be locked up for a while - not sure where it'll head (considering it's just an intake session).

    Ahh - sweet insanity - not sure how I'm gonna survive - I hope I don't go away - I won't survive another bout of this - got too close to death last time (died on the bed, they revived me, despite my wishes and DNR - since it was an obvious suicide attempt and DNR's have exemptions for such cases).


    Keep reciting the Johnny Cash song 'Spiritual' in my head:

    Jesus
    If you hear my last breath
    Don't leave me here
    Left to die a lonely death
    I know I have sinned but
    Lord I'm suffering

    Jesus Oh Jesus If you hear my last breath

    Jesus I don't wanna die alone
    Jesus oh Jesus I don't wanna die alone

    My love wasn't true
    Now all I have is you

    Jesus Oh Jesus I don't wanna die alone

    Jesus, Jesus
    All my troubles
    All My pain
    Will leave me
    Once again
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    we'll be here for you when you get back. i am glad you are seeking some help. i read your other, longer post and will respond there but just to say here, quickly, i'm sorry for all the terrible things you have experienced and witnessed. no matter how hard you try to escape you are truly a survivor,
    catherine
     
  6. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Thank you. You don't know how much it means - I'm weeping now - not sure if I'm going to make it through.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    You *are* going to make it, what time is your counselling appointment? Can you go early and hang out in their waiting room? LOL You think I'm joking but when I was referred (by my family doc) to our local psych. ward for an assessment I was in the parking at 7am ... I hadn't slept at all the night before and I was seriously bugging out. I just wanted to get in there. I'd say only 1% of me wanted to live but I put that 1% in charge until help arrived.

    Hang on.
     
  8. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy,

    This is just going to be an intake session - don't think this counselor is going to know what hit him (counselors have told me my life is too intense and need a few weeks to figure things out for themselves). Lot's of other stuff has happened in my life (e.g. Loved/Lost) than I posted in my summary life story (group I was with got real intensely violent, faced a lot of rejection, lost complete touch with reality, am now back in school and failing, etc.).

    Hope I can survive a little bit longer.
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hopefully this counsellor is good and can refer you to other supports. once a week counselling might not be enough, eh, but as long as you are honest about how suicidal you are they can figure out what next steps there are.

    here in ireland they have a mental health day hospital which is affiliated with the psych unit at the main hospital. they set me up with a bunch of outpatient supports, including a mental health nurse who came to see me a few times a week, at first, to help out. she is not a counsellor, but more of a practical, let's keep you alive kind of person.

    it took 3 months after i first went for assessment for me to start therapy, but all of the other supports they offered started to pull me out of my depression so that i became ready to tackle some of the underlying crap.

    maybe there's something similar near you? it's worth asking.
     
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