Drowning

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LetItGo, Sep 3, 2009.

  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Thats what I feel like doing right now - Drowning.

    :guiness: :guiness: :guiness:

    Drinking everything and anything I can get my hands on. Obliterating any remnant of thought from this nugget of grey matter inside my head.

    Drained, so utterly fucking drained. It just never ends. I really cant stand it anymore.

    At a time, when the pressure is right on, all I want to do is drink a slab, and hell, im like the epitome of a teatotaler these days.

    I have high expectations of myself, probably low for some people, but high for me. I know Im going to fall short this time around. Its gonna kill me. Its basically the only thing of worth that I have in my life, save a few great friends Ive made recently.

    Im never here anymore. Nobody knows anything about my life, not that its changed. Im trying to build something out of nothing, but tonight I cant see the light at the end of this tunnel.

    Wish someone would just hand me a bottle of something truly deadly, I can drink myself unconscious, and wake up with the new life I so desperately need.

    But thats not gonna happen. Sure as night follows day, its gonna be the same old shit, until finally, I can extract myself from this mess.

    :guiness: :guiness: :guiness:
     
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hey Matt,

    To be honest i don't know really what to say, you know i'm crap with words but i care about you and wanted to say something at least. I've think you've come along way in the past year or so. Drinking is not gonna help, maybe it'll mask things for a few hours but the consequences are high. Drink makes depression worse. Don't make it worse for your self hun, stick it out. Your a strong guy.

    My PM box is always open if you wanna chat. :hug:
     
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Hey Vikks. I have come a long way in some aspects - confidence, dealing with people etc, mainly because ive challenged myself to work at it, but thats not something anyone can tell through the web. You would have to see a before and after shot of my offline life to know that. But in other aspects, things havent really changed, and in the last year its become incredibly frustrating. What gets to me though, is the fact I have had at least 2 chances to make changes for the better, but I havent, because I retreated to my comfort zone...even though its not really comfortable at all, ultimately its oppressive, it surpresses any further opportunities I have to grow as a person.

    Now I feel like I have a chance to change again, and it cant come soon enough. I think whats driving me to drink are thoughts like - "why the hell did you take so long", "are you gonna fuck it up again", "dont take the easy option you idiot". Basically those thoughts of self loathing I often struggle with (combined with the belief were all doomed lol, that also gets me down a fair bit). After 3 years on this site, depression is still part of my everyday life, but I guess what has changed, is my desire and willingness to challenge myself. It just pisses me off sometimes that I fail to do that, and wonder why everything that sucks - still sucks, long after the chance has gone.

    Thx for your vote of confidence in me :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2009