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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by max0718, Oct 30, 2010.

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  1. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Its been a while since I've been on here. I've been a part of the community for a while, but I've been silent of late because I've been trying to get my life in order. I haven't checked on here at all for a few months, not even to see how some of my friends are doing on here and for that I'm ashamed. Especially because it seems that I need the forum now more than ever. I'm sorry to all that ive let down. I shouldn't have left. I wasn't ready, and more importantly I wasn't there for anyone else.

    If I look at my life now, compared to 2 years ago, I guess I can say that I've made some progress. I've finished my degree. I've started working. I'm doing well at work considering. I'm able to hide my over emotional side. I'm able to talk to people, but still it feels like I haven't achieved anything. Deep down I still feel the same. I still don't feel happy. I still don't feel fulfilled,i still have the same suicidal tendencies, I still feel like my family will be better off without me, I still feel like a failure!

    I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of hurting myself. I don't want to, because I don't want to put my family through anything like that. Ive seen the pain suicide brings to families, and I don't want to be the cause of that pain.

    I know I should go back to my psychiatrist, but somehow each time I keep convincing myself that its not needed, that I'm imagining the pain, that I'm dreaming somehow, and I'll soon wake up anyway. Tomorrow I'll probably even regret posting this thread. I feel like a failure, but then a short while later I'm ashamed that I've made such a big deal about nothing and I keep quiet. I guess I just want to jot my feelings down, before my mood lifts and I start feeling ashamed again. I don't expect anyone to make sense of this thread, because at the moment even I can't make sense of it. I guess I just want to get my feelings out there.

    Take care.

  2. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    Well Good for you Max for trying to get your life in order!

    Suicide is not the only way out... IT DOES MORE HARM THAN GOOD!

    As you said: Your family sufferes ALOT due to this act and if you can help it,ITS BEST NOT TO DO SO!!

    God bless you my friend,keep on the up and up :)
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Max. Don't be too hard on yourself. At least you have made some progress in the past two years. :hug:
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    yet the weird thing is so many here can make perfedct sense of this psot huin. so we dont se you as a failure. we dont feel like youve let anyone down. and we certain understand what your battling.

    keep posting. it helps you. it helps ohters here. but most importantly keep trying to move forward. you have although you dont see it, made huge leaps and bounds forward. yet because we cant find immediate happines from it, it looks more like failures thatn acheivments.

    dont give up on you or your friends here. hun i undertand. youi were there for me before. i know what yur fighting. keep posting and let members help you know!!! :arms:
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i for one understand completely what you have said. You are still battling the lows the ideation the depression even though you have been able to move on some. Yes i too do not want to cause pain to my family so much pain it would cause i know being the recipient of that from my bro. You did good to reach out here for support you know people care here i hope you do get some professional support as well okay it iwill help you keep some stability in place
    Don't be ashamed okay you deserve help as much as anyone here people come and go from here that is normal. when one is well the support is not needed as much so it is healthy to move on. if there is anything i can do to help please pm me okay i mean it that is what sf is all about supporting each other. take care okay keep posting away and try to reconnect with your pdoc or a therapist there is no shame in getting help for you so that you can stay healthy along time for you and your family. :hugtackles::hugtackles::cheekkiss
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone. Thank you all for the replies. Sorry for the long wait, but it was a hectic week and tough to find time to write a reply. The week as well was an emotional rollercoaster ride. I don't know, of late my moods seem to be swinging wildly in a short amount of time. It's tough to keep a handle on, but working certainly helps take my mind off, if I can focus enough that is..

    I'm still not sure about going back to the pdoc. I guess I'll see how it goes for the next 2 weeks before I decide. The mood swings certainly don't help my decision making, as I change my mind too often to make any sort of decision. And in the bad times I don't remember good times, and in the good times the bad times doesn't seem all that bad.. Even though they can be just a few hours apart. I know, doesn't make sense..

    Anyways, just wanted to say thank you all for the help. SF is one of the few places that actually calms me down. And I thank you for that!

    Hope you're all doing just a little better. :smile:
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Max...you made perfect sense and many of us relate to what you have said...please do not feel ashamed for what you have written...I think it is brave to ask for support...also, please go back to your pdoc or find another you want to relate to...you are worth it and if it helped in the past, to withhold it from yourself does not make sense (ah the misperceptions of depression-I live in that world myself)...welcome back and we are always here to support and care...big hugs, J
  8. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    So...what are these other ways out that you speak of?

    Please let me have those other ways out. Thanks.
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