Drugs have kept me alive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pl2584, Jun 4, 2010.

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  1. pl2584

    pl2584 Member

    I have been suicidal for about 10 years of my life. I dont know where the feelings came from or why i feel this alone feeling when i do have some friends and family. I just get a sense that death will be a release and i wont have deal with these feelings of loneliness and rejection. I have taken many illegal drugs in a way to self medicate and though it has helped in a sense cause it numbs my feelings and without them i prob would have taken my life a long time ago. I dont want these feelings but i carry them around with me all the time where ever i go and i cant just tell people about them. I wish they would go away but it is always around in the back or mind when i am at happiest. I deal with it but i dont know for how long and i need others who understand perhaps this will be a good outlet i hope so cause i feel as if i am running out of options.
  2. pl2584

    pl2584 Member

    please somebody tell me something
  3. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I've been doing pretty much the same thing since 14 or so... Now I'm so brain dead i tend to forget things i've been thinking just a min ago. And my stomach is killing me.
  4. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    I've self medicated for a long time now... prob close to 12 or 13 years. My main drug of choice was/is pot, but I also drink and do pills when I can get em. I'm on probation now so the drinking has gotten out of control. Most of the time I'm ok, but I have those nights where I just snap and get seriously depresssed from alcohol. I guess I'm already depressed, but the drugs can trigger it and make it even worse. While drugs used to numb my thoughts like you said, I'm realizing that drugs just temporarily mask my depression. For me, they are amplifying them in my present state. (especially drinking and pills). I think about suicide methods constantly, and research them a lot. I know its not healthy, but the suicidal thoughts have become addicting too. I play out my suicide before I go to bed, and it actually makes me feel somewhat better. I'm really starting to scare myself, b/c its becoming such a "normal" feeling and my fear of suicide is almost totally gone.
  5. deniston

    deniston Member

    We all like to drown out our negative state with alcohol or drugs that we can find, but they either simply amplify the negative state or temporarily mask the problem. You need to confront the reality of your situation. I would say go to the doctor and see if he can help you, or at least perscribe you with medication that can actually help. However, it does not combat the root of your depression. It is like weed that you simply cut so it's out of sight, rather than removing it by the root. However, the medication a doctor can perscribe does work and he/she can help you recieve counselling, it would be a step in the right direction.
  6. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    i think for the longest time they helped . but now i see it as more of nuisance . with herb being the only one that stuck & 20$ a day is just keeping me broke . not that theres anything i wanna buy
  7. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    Weed seemed to work best for me also, but being off it for 2 months now I can see some of the neg efx it had. The thing is w/ drugs (for me at lest) is moderation is the key, but since I'm so used to being under the influence of something moderation is extremely hard. I tried prozac for a month and it made me feel horrible. I wasn't happy or sad... just blah. I need to stop drinking, and hopefully when I'm off probation weed will be an occasional thing. I do like being able to remember my dreams and in general find the clear headed feeling pleasurable, almost like being on something when I'm sober cause I'm so used to being stoned or drunk(not sure if thta makes sense haha). I found making music was a very healthy outlet for me, but lately I have not been into it. I also enjoy reading and find it to be a very healthy outlet for my time, art and drawing also. But the thing w/ music and art (for me) is that I am so used to being stoned when I do them that I have to motivate myself to find pleasure in it. Even reading is a lil like that, but not as much as music and art.
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