drunk self-loathing rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Jul 12, 2008.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    So I gave in and got drunk, well done me, not a good plan with my meds. I'm off my face at the moment but nevermind, cos there's always the little sensible voice in the back of my head keeping control, always responsible, always there for everybody, never lose control never lose control... I wish it would shut the fuck up, let me not give a crap just once. Let me prove that I'm human just once. That would be a very bad thing, no one knows what I'm like without the mask on, how much anger and vengance there would be. Letting it slip would be unforgivable and the reasons for fucking up so badly would be stupid. Never lose control you piece of shit, just bleed out all over the fucking floor, that's all you're worth. You're not even the worst person in the world, you're a nothing. Go cry in the corner because nobody loves you, you pathetic little coward. That's better than losing control, better than the anger. No wants anger from a cheap little fuck, a way to waste time, a last resort, a disabled deformed freak. I'm a walking, talking, bleeding mistake in idiot form.
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    There's nothing wrong with anger. Your job in life isn't 'to be there for everybody' and 'to be responsible.' You're a human being with your own needs and feelings too. I get the feeling you're holding a lot on your shoulders- and letting that out well, the anger, the feeling of total loss of control (there are ways of doing that without hurting other people, maybe better done when you're not drunk- but if you were, you can lose control without hurting others and yourself too) might feel really good- and might make you feel less like the 'worthless' person you feel you are. And if nobody wants to hear your anger then who cares? Your anger and all those 'bad' feelings sound very important to you and they sound like something worthwhile for you to look closely at, rather than being afraid of it. I know the feeling that people don't like to look at the not-pleasant-feelings, especially if you, yourself feel like you're just there to 'be there' for everybody and 'be kind'.

    Have you ever tried losing control, just letting everything go when you're not drunk? Doing that might feel a little less scary, a little more like you have some kind of say in how much you let out- losing control in a controlled way, where you're not getting too overwhelmed and not hurting others or yourself too. The anger and hurt you feel sounds like it's eating you up inside and making you hurt yourself and call yourself such horrible names.

    I do hope you're doing slightly better today.

    Take care.
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Very rarely when I got drunk, did I ever fully lose control, I sometimes wonder how my life would be if I did, despite some of the negative consequences which might have arisen, it may have opened some doors that otherwise remain closed, in the social sense. Makes me wanna go get slab tbh.

    Now the sensible part, I still want u to stay safe even if you are off your nut.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Mal I think you need to find somewhere you can go and just let your anger out. Scream at the top of your lungs, punch a pillow, or boxing, whatever it takes. You have a lot built up inside you that needs to let go. I think you will feel a little better afterwards. You are not a coward and you are loved by people. You are also respected by many. I wish you could see beyond what you feel and love and respect yourself. We all have parts of us we do not want anyone to see or maybe even admit we have. These parts are not necessarily who we are. Hang in there hun. :hug:
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dearest Mal, :hug::hug::hug:

    sending you lots of love and hugs and understanding!

    love to you from least