drunk sex hurts *may trigger*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Patch, Apr 4, 2008.

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  1. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    He was my boyfriend (we don't see each other anymore). I live with my family but my bedroom is in the basement. For some reason I wasn't feelng very sexualy motivate lately, which sucks for him. The first time it happened, we were both drunk and went back to my house to crash. I kept trying to sleep, but he kept touching me. I said "no" and "stop it" and he got sulky, and I would try to fall alseep and he would start over. I was drunk, I don't remember how long that went on for, it might have been 15 mins it might have been an hour. Eventualy I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I tried to sleep on the floor and he came to the door and apologized and I came out went back to bed. I started passing out and woke up when he shoved it in. He started and I shut my eyes and pretended to sleep but it hurt so much and I couldn't believe he would do this so I started crying. he stopped and got off and tried to hug me, and I hit him. He then started to cry and apologize and say he couldn't believe what he had done.

    After that, anytime he slept over, and we were drunk the same scenario would happen. But he didn't cry anymore. I always said no, and he would stop for a little while but start up again. He would eventualy climb on top of me anyway. Sometimes I would push him and he would just hold me, sometimes I would just stare at the wall. He would be angry with me during it...he thrust as hard as he could to make me make a sound (I wouldn't) and afterwards he would turn over and go to sleep. The next morning I wouldn't think about it. We were together for almost three years...this happened alot.

    I'm infuriated when that happens to someone else but for me...I wouldn't really call it rape. I mean, it happened because I'm too much of a pussy to use all of my energy fighting him. Its not violent. It doesn't even compare to being violently assaulted by a stranger, or being raped by multiple guys. Its just stupid.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Please do not dismiss this the way you do, Patch.

    There doesn't need to be any violence going on for something to be called a rape. That you didn't 'use all of your energy to fight him', doesn't make you a pussy. There's emotions involved. Emotions can get in the way of that. It's hard to fight someone who's doing that to you.

    I truly am sorry that you had to go through this, and I'm glad you and him aren't together anymore, because as much as you loved him (which I assume you did), what he did to you was WRONG. He crossed your boundaries, and that's just wrong.

    Sending many hugs your way :hug:
  3. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    thanks for the hugs, Ishy.

    He cheated on me...and he never did that to her. He says he loves me and he never loved her, so I don't get why I'm easier to hurt.

    nvm, I do, he told me once. It was because I 'never' wanted to have sex. I made him do it. Which is knd of true, its not like I'm blameless...if I had consented it wouldn't have happened. :sad:
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    No Patch, you didn't MAKE him do it. If you don't want sex, you don't want sex. You shouldn't consent then. And he most definitely shouldn't just go ahead and do things anyway. you did not MAKE him do it. HE was the one doing it, knowing FULL WELL that you didn't want it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, hun :hug:

    HE was wrong. Nobody else. HE. NOT you!

  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I agree that it was only a *tiny* bit your fault in that you didn't do all in your power to stop him, but he had no excuse at all for what he did and the vast majority of the blame belongs to him.

    He didn't love you. He said he did, sure, but tons of women fall for that shit. His actions say he didn't. He wouldn't have cheated on you and he wouldn't have imposed himself on you time and time again if he really cared.

    I am sorry this happened to you.
  6. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    :( yea.
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I think that is bullshit. Sometimes you just can't do anything. Like you freeze up, or just can't do anything. .And I'm speaking from experience here.
    That does NOT make it your fault. If you SAY no then it IS no. Then he shouldn't even TRY it.
    But I guess that's just my opinion.
  8. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    its rape..
  9. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I can understand with freezing up and "panicking", for lack of a better term, but that isn't the case here. And I do agree that no means no, he should have respected her wishes.



    Stick with me here:


    The fact remains that in this situation she let it happen when she could have stopped it.
  10. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    I regret bringing it up. pls forget about it, it was stupid.
  11. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I would actually call that rape since you explicitly said no plenty of times.

    It's an interesting one though. How often do we see in the media a couple lying in bed, than the man starts to kiss the woman and she says no because he is tired ... but the man is like 'cmon' and continues kissing her etc .... I wonder if we would call that attempted rape? There is a huge grey area because social interaction is not black and white ..
  12. diseased

    diseased Active Member

    That guy sounds like a total asshole. You didn't deserve that.

    I know where you are coming from because my ex-boyfriend did something similar to me on a couple occasions. I was asleep or almost asleep (I was drunk, no doubt) and he just started having sex with me. I didn't cry or say no at the time though so he assumed what he was doing was ok.

    However, after the first time it happened I told him that he should wait until I'm awake next time and just let me get some rest if I'm already passed out. He said he understood but he STILL did it after that a few times. Every time I just went along with it and convinced myself it wasn't a big deal. But it made me feel used when he would start having sex with me while I was unconcious. If I wanted to have sex I'd let him know while I'm AWAKE.

    I don't know. He was usually drunk and/or high when he came home and he'd always use that as his excuse when we'd talk about it later. I guess he thought that since I was his girlfriend that it was his right to do whatever he wanted to me whenever he wanted.

    What your boyfriend did was even worse. I wouldn't say that my ex raped me because I never said no while it was happening. At worst I would say he took advantage of me. But you CLEARLY said no many times and he did it anyway. That's pretty much the definition of rape.

    None of it was your fault. I understand that things are more complicated when you have feelings for someone and you're in a relationship. The only thing you could be said to be guilty of is staying with him for as long as you did when you knew that's the way he was.

    Of course, it's all in the past now. It's a good thing you're not together anymore. Never settle for disrespect like that again. I know I won't.
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I can't understand why so many guys are like this. They just don't get that no means no. I suppose watching too many pornos might have an influence on this or maybe some guys just like taking advantage of their girlfriends?
  14. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Im sorry if I made you feel any worse about the event

    I wont bring it up
  15. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    I recall there was a study on this one of some kind. It had something to do with primitive desires and the male's (subconscious) need to impregnate her.

    However I do also think it's wrong. Sex should always have the consent of both parties. I didn't mean to defend these misbehaviors so excuse me if it sounded like so. I do not under any circumstances accept such behaviour.

    People in relationships should make some common ground rules to avoid these situations. Then again, some people just don't respect other people and might be influenced by alcohol or other (even psychological) variables that has lead to these actions. Nontheless, it's wrong, entirely his fault and I hope you'll square that with yourself some day and move on.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2008
  16. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    Hey sweety, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that this happened to you but you need to understand that this wasn't your fault. What ever any one says; you can say 'no' once and he had no right to carry on, especially if he carried on for a series of months. Please don't apologise for sharing this with us because it is a big thing to do. You could have bottled it up and that would have been worse for you.

    What you can take from this, and I know that I might sound like a preacher but I am talking from experience, is the fact that not all men are like him and the majority of men will treat you with respect and will respect your wishes.
    This isn't your fault at all, hun. If you ever need to talk then you can PM me.

  17. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    thank you.
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