Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mystic, May 2, 2010.

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  1. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    So I’m drunk. Do I care? Does anyone care? I’ve also just taken a handful of painkillers. So what? Does anyone bother? No.

    So I’m ill. Nobody gives a shit. I have tremors, piercing headaches, my eyesight is being affected. Doctors? Why bother. Not interested. I’ll just live with this, whatever it is. Save everyone the trouble.

    I have degenerative secondary arthritis……so what!?

    I sit here alone... and will stay here until I can sit here no longer. Then I’ll be gone.

    Out the way.

    Best and only place for me, I guess.
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Well, I read your post and I'm listening to you.

    Have you OD'd before?
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You are heard here. I wish there was more that we could do to help.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm listening too.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hear you too....((HUGS))
  6. E69

    E69 Member

    I do feel your pain.


    Alcohol will make you feel worse. Yes it will numb your pain for a few hours, but you will feel worse.

    But then again who cares right?
  7. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I'm listening too.
  8. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    Today, I'm home throwing my guts up and feeling really bad. I don't want to get up..because there is nothing in life to get up for.

    I don't even know why I'm doing this.

    I've started drinking...I've found it takes the pain away. It may even give me the courage I need to put an end to all this!

    No one can know how I feel...no one wants to.
  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    i know the severe chronic pain. I know it hurts. :hug: i know sometimes when it's bad enough and all I can do is be confined, unmoving, to one spot, i begin questioning life. I often think of physician assisted suicide during those times...but i often hold out hope too, knowing that meds can get me back on my feet and outside where i want to be (at least where i wanted to be prior to this depression).

    i know the eating of handfuls and handfuls of pain meds (strong ones) and with great hopes, washing them down with alcohol. Playing my own version of roulette. In part with hopes that i would take on an i don't give a shit attitude so when i held the Marlin, i might actually use it if the combo didn't work. I've never been a drinker. Never had the stuff in my house. I heard the pills + alcohol might ease things. It didn't. Still try once in a while...far too often in fact. I wish the alcohol took the pain (the inside pain) away for me, but it doesn't.

    It's that alone part that sucks dirt. :console:

    We can't know exactly how you feel, but i know many would listen, if you'd try to explain it. Likely you don't remember this, but you did share with me once, what was going on. Sometimes it's frustrating repeating it over and over and seeing no improvement. Maybe sharing how you feel about it, how you are coping with it ( i know i know), and then opening up your heart a little, to accept a little comfort, what meager comfort those of us here can provide...maybe it's worth a shot, maybe you won't feel quite as alone in it?. i know for me, feeling alone in it is about the worse thing i can experience as a human being.

    you've got my **hugs** and my heart goes out to you. Maybe take a chance and grasp one of those hands that are reaching out to you? I know i know but these people are for real :hug: perhaps give them a chance and give your heart a chance too?

    i'm sorry your belly is upset today...i know that one too. :console:
  10. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    My life - such as it is - is complicated. It gets more complex every day. I can't explain it all, because no one would understand. I don't want to explain it all - or part of it - because...well, done that already. And instantly regretted doing it. Because from my angle, describing it is barren ground. It hasn't achieved anything, it won't achieve anything apart from making me feel worse than I already do....So I'm not going to try.

    But I can give a few pointers. Amongst many other things...I am being accused of something. I wasn't responsible, I wasn't even there. But it happened...and a finger is pointing my way. This is a work thing. I stand to loose everything I have (which isn't much).

    I have a disorder. I watched my mother die from its effects and now I appear to be showing symptoms, even other people have noticed. I'm becoming crippled. Arthritis is eating away at my right hip and I can only walk a few hundred yards at most.

    Of course, I can throw in the usual stuff of being isolated and lonely, the resentment and exclusion I constantly carry, watching it intensify with time.

    I've taken to drink...I'm starting to mix them with my pain meds.

    I'm not coping at all well...

    I don't know what to do...
  11. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    i hear that loud and clear. I have no desire to state my situation over and over and over again. Nothing new comes of it. It's not helpful. It changes nothing. For some ppl it works. i find it exhausting.

    As far as the work situation, have you brainstormed it with others? Maybe someone has a potentially useful suggestion or idea? On the other hand, do you have the energy to fight it? You sound wiped out and drained of physical/emotional resources

    The physical problems. When our lives give us something worthwhile to engage with, it makes it possible to cope with almost any physical disorder, even degenerative ones. Had a friend with ALS, who could only blink, yet could still happily engage with life. I know your situation is not helping this at all. Honestly, my heart goes out to you. Staying in that situation by choice, is going to take a lot of out you especially when you have no break from it. It's commendable, shows your good heart, but painful. If only there were something that you could find to somehow be involved with, to find some spark and get you engaged with life again. I know when one is this low, it's an almost impossible task, especially alone. :console: Taking care of yourself is important, seeing a doc, but again, i know that space you are in makes it tough.

    Gawd, i am so sorry. I likely should not be engaging with ppl at the moment, my responses really suck right now. At least maybe you can see/feel that you are not alone, in a way? There are others of us, who although are in differing situations, are in about the same boat.

    Getting connected with ppl, is about the only thing i know to suggest.

    i hear you loud and clear, i hear that you are not coping well at all and that you don't know what to do. It definitely comes across :hug: It's a desperate space to be in, i know this space too. Thing is, it may be desperate, and you might not be coping well, and i know you don't know what to do and most of us likely have few answers either, but you know, you don't have to be all alone in it. I know this is not the same as having face to face convos with someone, but maybe when you are hurting so much and alone in that pain, just come here. i doubt it will fix it or solve it, but a little human contact, a little caring and concern, never hurt and worth a try?

    i hope tomorrow is a little brighter for you but just come here, keep sharing your feelings, at least don't be all alone in it.

  12. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member


    Thanks for your words. Today has been a bit better for me. My work situation is festering in the background and is out of my control. Soon its going to burst, and I'm in the line of fire. But right now, I don't care.

    I am going from high to low and back again. I threw out all my drink in the house as it was making me sick and giving me migraines, but I am still out of sorts feeling iccky and bleh.

    I just don't know what to do about the future. Whatever ways I look, its bleak. There is no point in anything anymore.

    I just feel I want to go somewhere where I don't upset anyone anymore.
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    :hug: for you. Glad today is a little better. Sometimes the days go like that. Sometimes it's hour by hour, kind of back and forth feeling fair to hitting that low.

    Might be good you threw the drink out. :hug: Depending on what pain meds you are on it can mess with your liver/kidneys (pretty badly), make your belly very upset, and cause other problems. So, i told you i am not a drinker. One day i decide this is it, i will consume all my meds and wash it down with drink. Only thing in the house was 190 Everclear (kept for non-drinking purposes). Hiked out in the woods decided to slam a double shot to get in the mood. Don't try it! Thought i was going to die right then and there from the everclear. I had no water with me.

    i understand not caring and letting the work thing be for now. I've been doing that for i guess now i am going on six months. Nothing as intense as what you are going through but not caring enough to do things that need to be done, and then coping (or not) with them when they blow up in my face. Just to add to my feelings of failing, a little self sabotage. Just know, you are not alone. :console:

    That situation of yours, i just don't know. You have a good heart to be doing what you are doing, although would be good if you had some resources or some way to have a time-out. You know, what you are doing falls under the category of a caretaker (technically) and there are groups in most towns where at least you can connect with other ppl. I figured i'd just mention it. Seems if you could get away to something positive or even neutral a few times a week or on the weekends, maybe that could help so you are not alone. A club, group, playing cards, volunteering, i don't know. Then again, you would need energy and motivation for that. Makes it tough. I don't know maybe a little space of your own (physical space) would be good too...a workshop, shed, garage, just a little space for only you. Is there any way the two of you could go somewhere, a change of scene, just something different and forget about the day to day stuff for a bit? Sometimes it helps ppl recharge a little.

    :hug: hope this day of yours continues to stay a bit better than yesterday. I'm glad you are talking, sharing some of what you are going through. I know it won't change or fix things, but it might make it a little easier to cope or provide a bit of comfort, to at least share some of what you are feeling and to know you are not alone. :console:
  14. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    Don't think I'm being negative here or trying to put up obsticles or anything. But the reality of my situation - possibly a root cause - is for some reason, I don't get on with people. Or should I say people don't get on with me. I have spent years on my own, I have joined all the clubs, took classes, endulged in 'false' hobbies just to be with people.....everytime I end up alone, poorer, angry when the social rejection comes. I don't know what it is, there is something about me which radiates some type of repulsion from everyone.

    In a line; there is no point me trying to mix with people, it doesn't work. Never has. Spent years trying.

    Of course, now I have the added ingredient of becoming disabled to look forward to. Assuming I did get alone with people, the time will come when I won't be able to, assuming if I wanted to (also assuming I could).

    And the final cherry on the cake is this work thing. Oh yes - I'm on my own with this little timebomb as well. So whatever I do, what direction I go, I'm totally screwed. If not short term, defintly long term. Years of living on my own in a wheelchair to look forward to.

    Any wonder why I have started on the drink...?
  15. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I honestly don't think you are being negative :console: I believe what you say. It does make things difficult :hug: I understand the drink too.

    I don't know what the answers are or if there are any. You are right, it's one heck of a tough situation, but at least coming here and sharing what's going on and how you are feeling, might help your heart a little bit. :hug:

    How did the rest of your day go? Belly better than yesterday?

    just an fyi, my pain level is currently off the charts so i may be slow responding, or i might not make a lot of sense when i do :hug:
  16. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    Today - I'm scared.

    No - I'm hoplessly terrified. My tremors are worse. I think something has happened to me and I don't know what I should do...

    I don't want to see my doctor, he's shown little concern for me in the past.

    I wish I had someone close to me right now. But I don't.
  17. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    hey, can't you go to the emergency room or urgent care? to heck with that doc. you know, i would not be in severe chronic pain at this moment, i would not have almost lost my life on several occasions, had i put my foot down and not listened to the docs...had they listened to me and i just said no to them. they are only human. they dont' know everything. they know nothing about your particular model and make of vehicle (your body) you know it better than they do...you feel the subtle things before they become a disaster. Can't you just go to the ER?


    today is my human day...i hurt so much...i had to turn back to the alcohol. So you see, i understand when you turn to it. it makes me sick to my stomach, it doesn't help the pain it only clouds my mind, it makes me cry, but it helps for about two hours. Never longer than that.

    I wish you had someone with you too. I think we all need at least one someone. ...and when we don't, we have here...we have sf thank gawd. because without it, many of us would no longer be here at all. :hug:

    We are here for you. It's not the same but it works. try to trust it, trust us, maybe? I don't want you to hurt or be ill. Just keep talking okay? At least you know we really understand and we care?

    The best i can do is be human with you and share my heart. Maybe it helps a little?


  18. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    If its of any interest here, I have been to see a specialist to try and determine one possible cause of my recent 'affliction'. Tests thus far have been negative, which is both good and bad as it points to something else.

    As for everything else...same shit, different day. Things never improve.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    How are you doing now, did you get any new results? :hug:
  20. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    if you can't walk...ill carry you!

    if you can't talk, i will speak up for you

    if you can't coup, then i will listen

    if you drink, i will share a glass with you

    but if you hurt yourself, that will upset me and make me and others sad, that we didnt do enough!

    you have a lot of ppl that care about you here and no one here wants to see you self destruct. me you dont know and thats ok. In time, youll get to know me. And whether you love me or hate me Ill stand by your side until you feel better!
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