Drunken urges

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by metamorphosis17, Sep 24, 2011.

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  1. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm new here but I thought I'd just vent a bit. I'm kinda drunk, so it seems even more important to keep away from the self-harm tools.

    Sometimes I drink as an alternative to cutting, but it doesn't really help in the long run, because I'm still damaging myself...and I'll still wake up in the morning feeling bad. And, of course, sometimes the alcohol just makes me want to cut worse.

    I have been trying to substitute self-harm with journaling, exercise, therapy, snapping myself with rubber bands, and my favorite: ice cubes.

    So, I got drunk and had a huge pretend self-injury fest by taking the ice cube in my hands or running it along my arms with my eyes closed and pretending like the water dripping off of me was blood. I did that about an hour ago.

    Nothing seems to be helping right now. I know I type well, so it doesn't seem like I'm as drunk as I am...but I am pretty far gone. I am a writer and typing is one of my talents, but I do not have a clear head right now and I will stumble the moment I try to leave this office chair.

    I want to help people who are struggling the way I have struggled, but I feel like a hypocrite for even trying to encourage other people when I know I'm about 75% likely to self-harm again. If not tonight, then sometime in the future.

    I want to stop, but I don't know if I want to badly enough. The part of me that wants to cut is very powerful at times and I don't know if I'm any match for her.

    I want to keep fighting, but some nights I just want to take a 'time out' from my fight and give in. I always tell myself, "I'll do my best after this one mistake" but the fact that it's a premeditated mistake is very disturbing.

    I wish I wouldn't, but I still might. It doesn't seem to matter what I do or how hard I try...I still want to off myself. Cutting has been my #1 method of forgetting about the urge to suicide in the past.

    I'm often afraid that if I were to remove cutting from my life completely, I would be more likely to kill myself. I don't know if that's true or just an excuse.

    Peace
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think if you got therapy to help you heal then the sh would not be needed
    You have to get therapy to deal with that pain that is causing you to sh hun
    I am glad you are a writer because writing helps sometimes it releases the thoughts and emotions in a different way Hugs to you
     
  3. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Thanks total eclilpse (that's a cool username btw :))

    I have been in counseling for almost two years now (with two different therapists). I still sh. I still do all sorts of things...but I think it has been slowly helping me, or maybe I'm just starting to help myself? it's hard to know whether it's really helping or not. I feel like I need to reach out more, though...somehow. I'm just not sure what my next step is.

    Writing has probably been the only thing to keep me alive at times. If I didn't write, I don't know what would have happened to me.

    Thanks for the hugs *hugs back*
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    poetry use to be my savior sort of to speak writing allows you to release so much pain and sadness and it helps others see also they are not alone in this battle I hope you do not drink to much hun okay hugs to you
     
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