I still cannot get to sleep, even after having written a post in Kiana's thread titled, "Turned on by pain.". My mind is having very severe suicidal thoughts, at least for the moment, thoughts which I haven't had for several weeks. I want sleep, death, dolce finito. Renovatio in a completely new world. In terms of romance, I've lost all concern for my ex-girlfriends from 2007, besides one from the UK, whom I occasionally talk with. I've finally stopped caring about Cynthia, as I have about Pamela, which has been since March of this year. I've realized that romance is a fraud. For if it was real, then my neighbor would stop flirting with me and she'd just directly tell me why she says some of the things which she says to me. Maybe she wants to be my inamorata, although, I do not know for sure, unless she says so otherwise. In the meantime, it's been more of the same. The same flirtiness without direction. I remain confused, while compliments are being directed toward me, without any direct engagement of her emotional thought process. Just words that lead to nowhere, like a bridge that never is completed. I remain here, thinking about doing the one remaining maverick action that I can think of. Suicide. A bridge that actually connects to an island.