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ive just been reading stories of people who succeeded at suicide all night on the internet.......ive been finding stories reading them,wishing it was me.
But then reading posts,storieds from those who have lost someone to suicide and it all just makes me cry...............i read them thinking of someone i know......someone who im worried about and really would never want to hurt but i know my time is coming soon enough.
What upsets me?That my not being here will upset others?Well not many others.i am very very alone and very very isolated.Its realistically unlikely people would notice let alone care.But all the same id feel suilty if even someone was a tad upset.
And there is someone who has tried to help me an awful lot in particular and i never menat to hurt her.........im worried about her.........i knew my time was coming........but ive tried to continue for the sake of others for so long though,for years........im still trying...........i havent had the love,caring and support i have now in my life previously.........but i know now that whatever i do one day soon it wont be good enough......
i know that i will die soon and i am worried for her...........
She is involved with me professionally......i dont want to bother her again at the wekeend.........she is just someone i have bvome very very close too..........she has helped me through my situation a lot.
i dont think she is doing great at the moment.......but i think shell be even less ok when im not here.......and i feel so bad about that.........but i dont blame her........i wouldnt blame her for hating me for this......
i wish i could talk to her about it.......how she'll be then..............
Kath I know you are worried about her, you know I never lie to you, it will upset her because she will loose someone she loves, it always hurts, but you know that I love you deeply and struggled to talk about it with you, but at least I know that you will be at peace and safe.
Have you thought about typing her a letter, for her now or for afterwards? It might help you.
And once again a reminder, if you change your mind its never too late to ask for help.
There's this other forum I used to go to, where back in 2001, someone I never even knew died; they were killed in a car accident by a drunk driver, There was a memorial post for this person, and it deeply affected me. I tried to find out as much as I could about her. I went through her old posts. I looked at her profile, and noticed that it had not been changed since 2001. I cried and yet I never knew this person existed until the memorial post came up. I still think about her.
So you see, even though you might not think the people on here care, they do. Profoundly. That goes for your friend too.
THanks for the replieds.im sorry.im sorry about all htis.i just cant cope anymore alone.
im sure she would mind me trying to talk to her again this weekend regardless of if she says.She a work mobile for crisis.She sometimes has this on out of hours but its switched off presently i think and i sense she really really needs a break right now.ive used her a lot recently out of hours at itmes and i really need to avoid doing that for now cos its not fair and it shows.
i dont want to make her struggle more and more too.
i find writing so much better than talking.She has always encouraged me but she tore up my last letter a fw months ago.Not her fault though.She knows me well enough to know im in desperate need of help and why wouldnt she be angry and frustrated with me?i would be in her shoes.i would have walked off ages ago.....but i dont dare write for her again cos of what happened.it hurt too much seeing her tear it up.........
im not heree to hurt her,but its all i ever seem to do with her or anyone.......i never meant for this......but now my time is coming........and i dunno what to do........i just want to hug her and never let go.......i am just so worried for her.........
PS Thankyou so much everyone for being there.It means so much to me.
Sorry Dark Thought i wasnt trying to discount the people on here too.i worry about many of them just as much.i just hope they will notice even less that im gone.But yes i know people on the internet care.i was reading a similar thread today on a different site where the site admins had unfortunately been able to confirm that someone had indeed passed away due to a suicide attempt.i cried when i read that and it was an old thread somewhere else and i didnt know the person concerned or any of the people effected really who had posted on the memorial thread and i still cried.i creid a lot.ive cried a more tonight than in ages.i think that was one of the things that started it off more.
It was just too close to home.Much of it is right now.Much of hte stuff i read but then maybe thats part of why i read it.i dont know