Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sabbykins, Jul 12, 2009.

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  1. Sabbykins

    Sabbykins New Member

    Hello everyone...First time poster here, with allot of issues on my mind. This will be long...But I'm trying to be thorough...If for no other reason, just because I need to get it off of my chest.

    My husband introduced me to the forum - I won't say his SN, but I know he's posted tonight as well. We're going though a quagmire of shit right now...

    I'm so frustrated that I can't stand it, and I know I take it out on him because we're together 24/7.

    He doesn't have a job and has only worked for one week in the two years we've been together, so we never have any money. I get 675$ a month from SSI, but 550$ of that goes to rent...We have a 3 month old son, so the other 125$ goes towards diapers and basic necessities. We have to steal 90% of the food and clothes we get from stores (Before I get the lecture, yes I know it's wrong...But by God, I'm tired of starving, and I'd rather steal from a giant mega-chain like Wal-Mart than an individual who actually NEEDS what they have...People do much crueler things than petty shoplifting and dumpster diving to survive.)

    I want to be like normal people - be able to go to the store and buy something that doesn't have to be taken back for a refund within a week. We never get to keep anything we get, because basic necessities always come up and we have no choice but to return things we get...

    Our house is horrible. The dishes routinely go over a month without being washed, laying mouldy in a stagnant pool of filth in the sink. There's cat shit everywhere you look, because the litterbox is lucky to be cleaned twice a month. Trash is never taken out, so the inside of our trailer looks remenecent of a dump - trash and rotting food-stuffs laying about with a few useful items in the pile that nobody wanted. I have physical and psychological disabilities (hence the SSI), and there is NOTHING I can do but just deal with the grossness. When I beg him to clean, I'm just asking too much and forcing him into servitude. Or I treat him like a child. Or am being condecending.

    The baby shouldn't be in that. Period. But he has to be...

    Not that I am ungrateful, much of our marriage, including my entire last trimester of pregnancy, was spent living in a 2-door car. I'm greatful to have a place to live, as decrepit as it is. I just wish it didn't reek, and I wish I could walk to the bathroom without stepping on 100 roaches (I swear, the roaches and the flies/maggots are having turf wars...Or maybe they're starting a hybrid breeding program to create flying roaches?)

    When I try to talk to him about this, all I hear is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." and I know he is...But he never does anything about it, either. It's like living this way is just okay with him. Bringing up a child in this environment is perfectly fine and dandy to him, even though if social services came to call there would be a showdown leaving one of us dead (No way in hell I'll ever give up my son, I lost my first son and I will die before losing another...It took me five years to get pregnant again after Arden was taken.)

    When I try to tell him what my problems are, he says I'm just bitching. I can't explain things without bitching. I intentionally word things so as not to be accusatory, I don't want to point my finger at him because every time he gets upset, he threatens suicide.

    Now, I'm not saying I don't take it seriously. I do. But, I also KNOW that it's mostly for attention. I would NEVER tell him that, ever...But, still, I know, and I also know it's a product of his own personal pain.

    Two weeks before I had our child, I found out he'd been trying to cheat on me. He'd been using Craigslist and emailing girls, trying to find discreet encounters. I tried to leave him, and he went bonkers and tried to slice his wrists and stab himself in a gas station parking lot. I took the knife away and chucked it out the window, and someone in a car next to me called the cops. They took him to a crisis center where he spent three days.

    Two months after Xavier was born, he did it again.

    He says the reasons that he is suicidal is because *MY* life would be better without him in it...That's not true! And even if it was, I can't live without him. Other than my son, he's all I have in this world so I have no choice but to deal with the shit. I have no family left, my only friend is in as bad of a financial situation as we are, I've had to move 17 times in the past three years alone, from state to state and city to city just because I really and truly have nowhere else to go. I'm always trying to improve my situation, but it never works. Without him in my life I think I would go crazy, because I have no other human contact really...

    But the core reason I stay with him is because I love him. From the moment we met, it was magic, and it's like we've known each other forever. It's never been like that with anyone before, and he's my 4th husband (and the longest I've ever been with anyone...Usually people tire of my disabilities quickly and leave, which is why I don't let people into my life...I don't like the inevitability of being abandoned, and don't wish to create self-fulfilling prophecies either.) I know what being alone is like, and also know that I just can't handle it without a support system, which I don't have and can't create.

    I don't want to be without him, but sometimes I can't stand to be with him, when it feels like all of the effort is by me. Excuses, lies...It's all overwhelming to me. I don't think I'm suicidal as much as just tired of living. I could never kill myself, nomatter how awful things become - I love my son so much, and tried so hard for so long to conceive him, I would never put him through that. Most people have loved ones who care about them; other than my son I do not. That's why I can't let him be taken at any cost.

    I feel like I am going crazy, but I know I'm already there and have been for awhile now.

    He feels like I always bitch, I feel like he doesn't take me seriously. Yet neither of us can live without the other, and it's killing us both...

    I have bouts of suicidal feelings, too...
  2. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    i read every word you wrote and it was very difficult for me

    i want to reach out to you and thank you for writing each word

    not that i can come up with an easy solution; most of the time i think life is very complicated

    but here you are wanting to be heard and thats the most important part

    the baby can't respond to you and we can.... i hope you find energy again and a time that you can post to us of your situation and how you feel about it.

    I have said this many times to others that i want them to hang in because life changes and i hope that yours does for the best but i am sure if you read what i will write here. (but you will find what i say to others is never in posting on forum; only privately) (and my hope is that you understand) so you can't know what i said to others

    I can't be mean enough to say anything but what i truly feel -- saying anything other i would want to come back and edited it any how

    it sounds like even though you dont know it.... over these years, four husbands, new living situations, maintaining friendships, and two childrens... well, they strike me as your life has always been in a state of change... but you might not see it...

    i really think that you're a survivor and that you have come up with many solutions to some of the changes presented to you. I wouldnt for myself think my words are a comfort

    thats why i ask you something that i know is so difficult... please continue to post us during this time... Please...
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well I think you would be a lot happier in the short term if you got your house into shape. I know that when my environment is depressing or dirty, I feel very depressed as well, but when things are clean and tidy, the other things in life seem much more manageable. If your husband won't help you (which is ridiculous, but not uncommon unfortunately) then you may have to if your disability doesn't prevent you from doing it. It's just not good for the baby to live in that kind of environment. If no-one is willing to clean up after the cat, then the cat has to go, plain and simple. Take it to the humans society and drop it off. Clean the dishes as you go along and they won't pile up. Without the food and cat feces around, the bugs should start to dissipate as well, but of course something should be done about them in the short term. Once you get your living situation clean and safe for the baby, then you can start to organize your thoughts and figure out what to do about your husband and the more serious personal issues you are having. The trailer is something you can actually do something about now and I think it might make you feel a whole lot better. I know it would help me :)
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Depression effects life so globally...maybe if you received intervention and got stronger, you would be more abled to effect what you want for yourself....just my 2 cents, and big hugs, J
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