- Status
N
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
:biggrin:
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
:biggrin:
N
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, you have to buy a ticket."
:rolleyes:
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, you have to buy a ticket."
:rolleyes:
F
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that
the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the firstgas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream,he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic
if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no!!" the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream!!!"
the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the firstgas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream,he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic
if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no!!" the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream!!!"
F
The monastary was behind on the belfry payments, so three of the friars decided to open up a small florist shop to help raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business.
They ignored her too.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business.
They ignored her too.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
F
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.
So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.
*
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
*
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane eating there in flight meal
After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies: "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his meal.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and then they sat silent for about five minutes…
Then the rabbi spoke again to the priest: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
*
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.
So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.
*
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
*
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane eating there in flight meal
After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies: "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his meal.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and then they sat silent for about five minutes…
Then the rabbi spoke again to the priest: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
*
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
F
A brilliant genetic scientist had been very overworked, and quite exhausted for some time when he came up with an idea, and decided to make a clone of himself in order to be able to get more done. At first he was delighted and relieved, but soon discovered, much to his dismay, that his clone was nothing but insulting and foul-mouthed to everyone he encountered. Of course, this wouldn’t do! So he came up with another desperate plan…
The scientist took him up to the highest building in the city, telling him that the view from there was singularly spectacular. Inviting him to get closer to the edge to take in more of the view, he then pushed him over it, and of course, he met his death. Once again, relieved, and even rather triumphant, the scientist turned to leave when he saw a police officer standing menacingly in his path. The officer said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you!” The bewildered scientist asked “But WHY?!”
The officer dryly replied...
“…for making an obscene clone fall.”
The scientist took him up to the highest building in the city, telling him that the view from there was singularly spectacular. Inviting him to get closer to the edge to take in more of the view, he then pushed him over it, and of course, he met his death. Once again, relieved, and even rather triumphant, the scientist turned to leave when he saw a police officer standing menacingly in his path. The officer said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you!” The bewildered scientist asked “But WHY?!”
The officer dryly replied...
“…for making an obscene clone fall.”
F
(From The "Punny You Should Say That!" Department...)
The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest Level of Language Development.
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my Electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him "Juan"; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. (sorry - already previously posted)
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest Level of Language Development.
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my Electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him "Juan"; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. (sorry - already previously posted)
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
F
Executive IQ Test
The following consists of 4 questions to determine whether you are qualified to be an executive
Question 1. How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
The correct answer is: Open the door, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Question 2. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the door.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
Question 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
The correct answer is: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to demonstrate you abilities...
There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
The correct answer is: You swim across. All the crocodiles are at the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all the answers wrong. But many preschoolers got the correct answers.
Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
The following consists of 4 questions to determine whether you are qualified to be an executive
Question 1. How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
The correct answer is: Open the door, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Question 2. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the door.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
Question 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
The correct answer is: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to demonstrate you abilities...
There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Think
Think
Think
Think
Think
The correct answer is: You swim across. All the crocodiles are at the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all the answers wrong. But many preschoolers got the correct answers.
Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
F
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening
weather she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant still open?” inquired Mary
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night
Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
“Hmm, I think I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly madam” he replied
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
“In that case, I would love to have a couple of poached eggs please,” Mary mused
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same fellow was still on the desk
“Morning madam…sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” replied Mary
“Food to your liking,”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional.
I don’t think I’ve had better. Shame about the eggs though…
They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully
“Oh…sorry to hear that. Perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service
And value your opinions,” said the receptionist
‘Yes, I think I will do that – thank you!,” replied Mary…who checked out
then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving good-bye, she left to continue her journey
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written...
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!”
:laugh:
weather she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant still open?” inquired Mary
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night
Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
“Hmm, I think I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly madam” he replied
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
“In that case, I would love to have a couple of poached eggs please,” Mary mused
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same fellow was still on the desk
“Morning madam…sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” replied Mary
“Food to your liking,”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional.
I don’t think I’ve had better. Shame about the eggs though…
They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully
“Oh…sorry to hear that. Perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service
And value your opinions,” said the receptionist
‘Yes, I think I will do that – thank you!,” replied Mary…who checked out
then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving good-bye, she left to continue her journey
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written...
“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!”
:laugh:
N
What do you call a man......with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man...with a car on his head?
Jack.
What do you call a man...with a spade in his head?
Doug?
What do you call a man...without any arms or legs, in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a man......WITHOUT a spade in his head?
Douglas.
What do you call a man...with a P.A. on his head?
Mike.
What do you call a man...with turf on his head?
Pete.
What do you call a man...with a casserole on his head?
Stew.
What do you call a man...with a doughnut on his head?
Duncan
What do you call a man who lets people walk all over him?
Matt?
Cliff.
What do you call a man...with a car on his head?
Jack.
What do you call a man...with a spade in his head?
Doug?
What do you call a man...without any arms or legs, in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a man......WITHOUT a spade in his head?
Douglas.
What do you call a man...with a P.A. on his head?
Mike.
What do you call a man...with turf on his head?
Pete.
What do you call a man...with a casserole on his head?
Stew.
What do you call a man...with a doughnut on his head?
Duncan
What do you call a man who lets people walk all over him?
Matt?
N
There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)
A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work"
The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work"
The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"
A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work"
The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work"
The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"
F
A man comes running to his doctor shouting and screaming in pain,
“Please doctor, you’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doctor, “I’ll put some cream on it.”
“But you will never find that bee! It must be miles away by now!”
“No, you don’t understand,” answers the doctor,
“I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
“Oh! It happened in the garden in the back yard…”
“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated,
“I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you?”
“On my finger!” screams the man in pain.
“The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!!”
“Which one?” asks the doctor…
“How should I know??! All bees look the same to me!!”
:wallbash:
“Please doctor, you’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doctor, “I’ll put some cream on it.”
“But you will never find that bee! It must be miles away by now!”
“No, you don’t understand,” answers the doctor,
“I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
“Oh! It happened in the garden in the back yard…”
“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated,
“I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you?”
“On my finger!” screams the man in pain.
“The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!!”
“Which one?” asks the doctor…
“How should I know??! All bees look the same to me!!”
:wallbash:
- Status