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Dumb

#1
"Well, I've met a lot of stupid people in my life, you know." Kurt Cobain describing his song, "Dumb".

"To be honest, I don't think you need the school at all. Most of the time you can just learn on your own." Quote from Jim Morrison interview.

I've seen many things in this life, but the biggest underlying theme I think I've seen out of my life is just dumb. Dumbness. People with the IQ of a fresh coat of paint. Do you know what I'm talking about? But it also gets me thinking, which is dangerous to my life.

I've been really thinking lately about how stupid this all is. To start, I'm wearing a required mask in my state when I already don't care if I live or die. Second, I believe that mask is pointless because what about touching? I just touched everything around you, so how do you think this little mask(that very few people replace or clean daily) is really going to do anything, especially with only part of the population doing it? Then I take this stupid pill daily that I don't want to take, to allow me to do something I don't really want to do(live). Plus not to know what the long term effects are(I laughed when a doctor once told me, 'Well, we don't really know how it works.' Nice. And you're prescribing this to millions of people.) But it's not just my stupid, pointless life.

We live in a really stupid world. Often, with really stupid lives. I started writing this giving examples, but I'll stop and say, "You know what. Either you see it, or you don't. Nothing I do is going to change that." And if you don't see it, I believe it's because you either are blind, don't want to see it, or can't because you're part of the problem yourself. Now, I'm not specifically putting down people who just can't help not knowing something innocently. I'm talking about the people who choose to be dumb, surround themselves with dumb things constantly, then try to spread it on you. This is an example; Guy just wins Jeopardy because he knew who the King of France was in 1762. Then he locks himself out of his brand new fully loaded Lexus because he's a dumb ass. See, many people have 'knowledge' but not the first inkling of how to use it, which is known as wisdom. Critical thinking, figuring problems out yourself without help. Almost completely lacking now in the United Stupids of America.

I guess my point is I come to a realization of, "Why am I really here? This is so stupid, to keep living like this. And for what?" And it's thoughts like that that start the slow, inevitable dive into ideation or 'planning' that I know so well. Logically, my mind says it doesn't make sense to stay here, and I hate to say it, but I have to agree with it if I'm being honest. There really is very little reason to stay, and not only that, a whole lot of reason to leave.

Much of the reason keeping me from attempting again has also been my history of failed attempts; I always said, if I attempted again that it better fucking work this time, or I'm just going lose it. Honestly I don't know what I would do if my next plan fails; up the ante I guess with something more deadly. See, I'm here because I've gotten these long term messages from God as I've lived my life. It's almost like, "I don't want you to die, yet I don't want you to be happy." And who the hell wants to live long term like that? So on an upcoming day, when I finally snap(or come to my senses, however you want to look at it), I'm just going to say......
You know what? Scratch that. Let tell you something else that happened today. I was driving home today thinking about how I would do my method in the future and... I felt a feeling I have never felt before in my life, at least not as intensely. I felt absolutely no fear or second thoughts; I would do it in a heartbeat. And that's scary, to feel that dead inside. I feel like I'm not that far away, like the time is short. Oh well, whatever happens my favorite thought is knowing nothing lasts forever.
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#2
There's a lot going on in the world and I believe it's harder on those of us who have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and/or suicidal ideation because it magnifies our feelings even more. I understand being frustrated in America although I am not going to dive into politics or any of that. Just saying that I understand. I hope you'll keep posting on here and talking to us.. I'm sorry you're hurting so much and having these thoughts. Once they start it can be hard to control.

I guess my point is I come to a realization of, "Why am I really here? This is so stupid, to keep living like this. And for what?" And it's thoughts like that that start the slow, inevitable dive into ideation or 'planning' that I know so well. Logically, my mind says it doesn't make sense to stay here, and I hate to say it, but I have to agree with it if I'm being honest. There really is very little reason to stay, and not only that, a whole lot of reason to leave.
This happens to me at times and can be hard to fight off. What helps me is thinking of things that I do enjoy about living, even if it's as simple as a new show or video game coming out. Do you have any pets? I find my cats, if nothing else, give me purpose. I hope you start feeling better soon.
 
#3
"Well, I've met a lot of stupid people in my life, you know." Kurt Cobain describing his song, "Dumb".

"To be honest, I don't think you need the school at all. Most of the time you can just learn on your own." Quote from Jim Morrison interview.

I've seen many things in this life, but the biggest underlying theme I think I've seen out of my life is just dumb. Dumbness. People with the IQ of a fresh coat of paint. Do you know what I'm talking about? But it also gets me thinking, which is dangerous to my life.

I've been really thinking lately about how stupid this all is. To start, I'm wearing a required mask in my state when I already don't care if I live or die. Second, I believe that mask is pointless because what about touching? I just touched everything around you, so how do you think this little mask(that very few people replace or clean daily) is really going to do anything, especially with only part of the population doing it? Then I take this stupid pill daily that I don't want to take, to allow me to do something I don't really want to do(live). Plus not to know what the long term effects are(I laughed when a doctor once told me, 'Well, we don't really know how it works.' Nice. And you're prescribing this to millions of people.) But it's not just my stupid, pointless life.

We live in a really stupid world. Often, with really stupid lives. I started writing this giving examples, but I'll stop and say, "You know what. Either you see it, or you don't. Nothing I do is going to change that." And if you don't see it, I believe it's because you either are blind, don't want to see it, or can't because you're part of the problem yourself. Now, I'm not specifically putting down people who just can't help not knowing something innocently. I'm talking about the people who choose to be dumb, surround themselves with dumb things constantly, then try to spread it on you. This is an example; Guy just wins Jeopardy because he knew who the King of France was in 1762. Then he locks himself out of his brand new fully loaded Lexus because he's a dumb ass. See, many people have 'knowledge' but not the first inkling of how to use it, which is known as wisdom. Critical thinking, figuring problems out yourself without help. Almost completely lacking now in the United Stupids of America.

I guess my point is I come to a realization of, "Why am I really here? This is so stupid, to keep living like this. And for what?" And it's thoughts like that that start the slow, inevitable dive into ideation or 'planning' that I know so well. Logically, my mind says it doesn't make sense to stay here, and I hate to say it, but I have to agree with it if I'm being honest. There really is very little reason to stay, and not only that, a whole lot of reason to leave.

Much of the reason keeping me from attempting again has also been my history of failed attempts; I always said, if I attempted again that it better fucking work this time, or I'm just going lose it. Honestly I don't know what I would do if my next plan fails; up the ante I guess with something more deadly. See, I'm here because I've gotten these long term messages from God as I've lived my life. It's almost like, "I don't want you to die, yet I don't want you to be happy." And who the hell wants to live long term like that? So on an upcoming day, when I finally snap(or come to my senses, however you want to look at it), I'm just going to say......
You know what? Scratch that. Let tell you something else that happened today. I was driving home today thinking about how I would do my method in the future and... I felt a feeling I have never felt before in my life, at least not as intensely. I felt absolutely no fear or second thoughts; I would do it in a heartbeat. And that's scary, to feel that dead inside. I feel like I'm not that far away, like the time is short. Oh well, whatever happens my favorite thought is knowing nothing lasts forever.
I know exactly the thoughts and feelings you described. It makes me so angry and want to give up on this world the more I think about and encounter it. Barely anybody here wears a mask, the other day the repair man came at work - he was standing close to everyone in the room, talking freely and not even wearing a mask. My stupid, ignorant apartment complex wants to send maintenance men into every apartment for unnecessary reasons to touch everything and spread whatever contamination they have all over our apartment. There's barely any cleaning supplies in stores because everyone is selfishly hoarding them and we used up what little we had to clean the apartment when we moved in. People have things to do like work all damn day - I don't want to spend all night cleaning. If something is broken we fix it ourselves and put in a work order as a last resort. People can act like idiots out in the world, but can't they at least stay away from me and out of my f'ing home.

I am beyond frustrated and hopeless. Nothing will change and nothing will get better. I'm glad this subsection exists where we can just write and not have the burden of people giving advice. I'm sick of advice and people trying to give me reasons to keep living. It is self-centered and self-serving. To not let someone die if it's what they truly want, to force them to live in misery for the rest of their lives not knowing or understanding how this feels. I also feel the same way you do - the universe won't let me die, but it won't let me be happy either. That is my hurdle and my challenge in life - to overcome whatever barrier exists that makes my attempts unsuccessful and finally end my miserable life.
 

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