Dumped and Suicidal

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Don, Oct 17, 2011.

  1. Don

    Don New Member

    Hello everybody. I was hoping to find some place to talk about what has happened to me today. I am not trying to talk to my family because all they'd do is pity me and talk dirt about my ex-fiance'. Hopefully the moderators will let me post this and let me get some help before I lose myself completely.

    I just moved back to Kentucky to stay for a while from Maryland to get my SSI Check since I was up there I missed my doctor appointments. I was back here last year to do the same, but they never would talk to me till well... recently returning. I did it all just so I could have money for me and my fiance' to help us.

    One thing I should note is that I met this girl April 11'th 2010. We got engaged one month after when I took a 36 hour Greyhound bus trip just to be with her. I looked in her eyes and knew I'd want to be with her forever. Well we had our ups and downs. Arguments and tears. But we still had faith in each other. We both got jealous whenever the other talked to somebody of the opposite sex. lol. We both had some "green monsters", but eventually we loved that about each other.

    We had a very good relationship till one day I picked her phone up to hand it to her and she literally freaked out and snatched it from me. She wouldn't let me touch it nor look at it. She started to smile a lot while texting and blush. Her flaw was whenever someone said something sweet to her she'd blush. So I automatically knew something wasn't right and awe-and-behold I looked at her phone when she left the room and she was having phone sex with somebody she told me was a female friend. One thing, one rule is that I accept no form of cheating. Which to me is to mimic anything you would do with someone your with, with another that someone would only do in a relationship. Point. Blank. Period. She turned her family against me and so to try to get over it I blew it off and ignored it in spite of how I felt. I started to figure out when she was lying and what she was lying about.

    I admit people lie, but only thing I lied about in our relationship was if I felt depressed randomly or hurt my self and just said, "I'm ok." and would laugh afterwards. I was faithful, caring, honest, and loving. I don't see what I could've done wrong.

    Well 2 months after our 1 year anniversary she fell asleep with her phone laying next to her (ever since I first caught her she would hide it as she slept to where if I reached for it she'd wake up), so I picked it up and read through her messages knowing in my heart something was wrong and... haha... I was right. She was saying about how much she loved the man she was talking to and wished they could sleep together and get married and have s**. He would talk dirty to her and she would giggle in her replies in the text. Either way, there was more than 100 texts in total and she did it while we sat in the same room.

    I took the phone with me and called my sister in Kentucky. I told her every text and that it wasn't the only time it happened. She wasn't surprised since since my ex before the one in Maryland did the same except in more ways than 1.

    I was hurt and crushed and confronted her about it. She broke down and I was in some kind of... calm rage. I felt the anger, but didn't black out. I was going to leave, but she convinced me to stay. I didn't trust her for a few days, but I still loved her with all my heart, body and soul. I did forgive her and regive my trust. She changed so much and was so doing better. She was more open and more loving. I never told her I trusted her again because I was afraid to let my Guard drop again.

    I don't know why, but when we got into a small argument I would remind her of her cheating on me, which is how I found out she did it to me 4 times... once before I first went up there, when I first caught her, when I first went back to Kentucky and when I caught her again. It hurt more than ever and she regretted it more and more. I forgave her for it, but it still hurt too much to let go and I know that is what ruined us.

    So anywho now to what happened today. We were talking and doing just fine till I mentioned how we were like Romeo and Juliet (and believe me I meant it in the most sweetest way possible), because our families hated each other, yet we were so in love. She then mentioned how she didn't want me to come back since her family disliked me so much. Not that she meant it fully cause she did want me there with her in reality. We both knew it. She then continued on to talk about how she didn't deserve me because I kept being with her regardless of her past. She never forgave herself for what she did to me. I tried to comfort her and let her know I still wanted to be with her regardless of what people thought. She changed and I could see it as clearly as I could see the world around me. She continued to say how she didnt deserve me and that I deserve someone better than her. I pleaded with her to reconsider, but she broke up with me.

    I.... heh.. I'm crying as I type this and I'm not sure what to think, do or say. We struggled so much and gave our all too each other. I still wanted to be with her. I swear I didn't even cry this hard when my father commited suicide 2 years ago, but then again he was never around. ANYWHO, I'm stuck in a situation where I want to kill myself and I feel open to any option to doing it. Only thing stopping me is the hope I have that we'll be together. I need help from somebody... anybody. I don't want to go through this. I'm tired of feeling sad. Please somebody... tell me what I can or should do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What you should do is go to hospital and get some help to stay safe okay
    Who knows what the future will bring okay you may reconcile you may find another who loves you even more who is more trust worthy hun.
    Gettting support for YOU now is a must okay Maybe even get couple therapy if she will do that if not you get therpy so you can stay strong hugs
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I think you need time to cool off, review the situation and remain calm. She also needs this time. Time to think about what she has said and done and to figure out if it's what she really wants. A few days away from you may give her that perspective. If not, then you need to learn to let go. It'll be hard, maybe the hardest thing you've ever had to do so far, but if she decides she really does not 100% want to be with you then unfortunately it's something you WILL have to face up to and accept eventually.

    Try and stay strong and PM me if you need to talk about it a bit more or anything. I'm no relationship expert but I've been through a bad break up before where I found out my ex was cheating on me with a string of other people and stayed with him regardless too, so know a tiny bit of what it feels like.

    Stay safe. :hug: