dunno anymore

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Nov 25, 2009.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    i keep saying i cant take any more emotional pain but yet im still here so i dunno....for the longest time it was moms death that fucked with my emotions and my mind but lately its been so much more than that....started realizing how much i hate myself, i had never truly shown how i felt, not in front of my mom and even not in front of my grandparents and co workers....the only person who truly knows how much i hurt is a 14 yr old girl....my grandparents especially my grandmother gets verbal with me calling me fat and poking fun at my looks...shes had me under her thumb since mom died and there is nothing i can do to get away, its just not possible....a lot of my harming comes from teh way she treats and says to me. I was always made fun of as a child first being called fat or penguin then to harassing me for my looks in h.s. .... i still remember the looks and teh whispers behind my back....that followed me thru my 1.5 years of college...so when i became depressed and cared even less wat i looked like the harassment only got worse and so now instead of showing that pain and letting it go i believe it (since im told so much) and harm and just hate myself so bad that i wont look at myself in teh mirror anymore....i wanna destroy wat i see....
    damn they would all be sorry when i fucking stop breathing

    i started listening to Anathema (where my name comes from) and to a song called anyone anywhere and finally felt like i belonged....soon listened to better off dead, goodbye cruel world, and lost control and so i just stuck with teh name.....used to be forever_scarred but am no longer that person
  2. saramd

    saramd New Member

    Hang in there!!! You are not alone!!!! I've been there...in some ways still there. Since my mom died I've had the guilt/pain/miss her/I'm a bad daughter confusion going on. It seems like people just keep doing mean things. But it's one moment at a time. That's all any of us can do. And keep talking to us! I know you have the strength to make it.:hugtackles:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have a beautiful name and your daughter is lucky to have you as her mom to talk to her and make her feel loved unlike what your grandmother did to you.
    Stay close to her okay she will give you strength when you feel you don't have any take care.
  4. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    shes not my daughter, altho i wish she was..... :cry:
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry well i am glad the 14 yr old girl is nice to you You need to move away from grandmother you need positives in your life so you can start feeling better about you.