dwelling in my own misery

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ANeverEndingRose, Aug 12, 2008.

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  1. ANeverEndingRose

    ANeverEndingRose Well-Known Member

    I'm really not one for dwelling in my own problems or anything like that, but I need to write down everything thats bothering me at the moment and what I think is making me feel so bad because i've gone beyond not being okay for so long now.

    Hopefully by putting things down they wont seem so bad,....

    1) I feel like my anorexia is back, have lost two stone in the last two months and thus feel crap physically.

    2) My dad has depression and has just come off all his meds which has made him go completely loopy and very scary to be around.

    3) My mum has gone from being an evening alcoholic to a pretty much pissed all the time alcoholic, and so again is terrifying most of the time.

    4)together my parents argue like theres no tomorrow and throw pasta at each other. not good.

    5)i havent slept at all for days and havent had a full nights sleep since the beginning of july.

    6)im too scared to go to bed in my house now because it doesnt feel safe and so between 1am-5am i just drive around the countryside in my car which feels scary.

    7)my cpn is leaving at the end of august.

    8) I have to put my cat, who is like my best friend, to sleep tomorrow because his kidneys have failed.

    9)my grandma has had two strokes in august

    10) when i do eat i cant stop making myself sick. i hate doing this but i dont know how to stop it because i dont want to keep food inside me.

    11)my best friend and i went to a festival together at the end of june (glastonbury fest for those who live in the uk) but she ran off and left me there on my own and this has changed our friendship very much. i cant trust her anymore, but at the same time i do miss her so much.

    12) every job ive tried to do in the past year ive had to give up because its lead to a suicide attempt, but i had to come off benefits last week because of some inheritance and so have to work full time from next monday-and so am shitting myself im going to fail over that.

    13) im on the edge of being made to be an inpatient,,,and theres NO way im going ip,,,i really would rather die.

    14)every night im cutting and i hate myself for it.

    15) Ive lost one of my kidneys and my suicide attempt at the weekend nearly knackered my liver.,,,it makes me think what the hell am i doing?

    16) I cant. i just cant anymore. Its all too hard.

    17) I had to pay my parents debts off this morning. Im 23 and they are in their 50s and its scary that im having to do that. we're talking 100s of thousands.

    18) I had an assessment for counselling last week and they told me they couldnt give me counselling-that im too much of a risk and should be ip. How am i meant to get better if i cant learn new coping strategies.

    19) Im going away next march to malaysia, indonesia and the philippines to work in rural doctors clinics treating people with diabetes. im terrified i wont be able to cope and will fail out there.

    20)being 23 and never having had a serious relationship or touched a guy since i was abused really scares me. im scared i wont be able to have a family because ill never get over my problems.

    god. so how do i cope? i cant do it anymore:sad:
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Hang in there. It sounds like you are an amazing person. Sometimes something just comes up. :hug:
  3. ANeverEndingRose

    ANeverEndingRose Well-Known Member

    why do i sound like an amazing person? i dont seriously-i just described how completely crap i am. i dont understand what makes u say that.

    but thank you.
  4. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Well, first of all, you have gone through a lot. You are strong. :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if you are trying to cope with many issues currently going on in your life. What is stopping you from going inpatient and getting things under control? Why are you paying off your parents debts? I can understand helping them out, but they need to be responsible too. You have survived thus far. Don't give up.:hug:
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    The doctor must have his/her reasons for wanting you to go inpatient. Have you been on a physc ward? It isn't that bad. If anything it is boring as hell..
    You see clients walking circles around the ward, Not all of them are in lala land. You have some like me who do it for exercise and for something to do.
    I usually have my sister to bring me some books. I pretty much stay to myself because I have been ripped off twice from making friends with other clients.
    Sorry I kind of got carried away! My intention was to reassure you it isn't that bad. You could use it to get away from your family so you can learn to be more intimant with youself. I hope you decide to go for it. Trust me they are there to help you not to harm...
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi aneverendingrose. Sorry to hear about all of the awful things that you have had to go through thus far. First things first, you need to start eating healthy and drinking lots of water so that you can gain the strength you need to deal with your parents and their problems. I'm sorry that you have to pay their debts, because they are unable to, but I guess someone has to do it. Sorry that one of your kidneys has stopped functioning, but when you try overdosing, it can cause organ damage. Please don't try to harm yourself again. You sound like a very responsible and caring person. Don't worry yourself that you might fail your next job. Just give it your best effort and never give up hope. :hug:
  8. Sol

    Sol Member

    Honestly my first impression was that you are an amazing person too.

    It seems like you are very strong to be able to handle all those problems. Compassionate, worldly, responsible, loyal; just naturally a very interesting person. I think anyone would have a hell of a time going through that, and would need support.

    I bet there are many ways out there that you could be happy, and it sounds like you have a lot of paths in front of you that could blossom into something really great. I think the best way to get you happy fast would be for you to find some good friends. I know it's difficult to get yourself to do, but if you go out there and check out the scenes of things you are interested in, meeting someone who makes you feel alive again is not as hard as it sounds. I really hope you hang in there because I'm sure for someone as amazing as you, there will be a point in the near future where you are loving life and will be happy you're alive.
  9. ANeverEndingRose

    ANeverEndingRose Well-Known Member

    thank you so much for such lovely replies.

    I dont want to go ip again because i was in a psych hosp for 8months last year and they made me go from a BMI of 14 to 21. It was the most horrible experience of my life. I felt so lonely and isolated there. You cant 'live' you just have to 'be'...i hated it and i dont want it to happen again. I had to pay off my parents debts because there was no way they could and i hate to see them struggle.

    But I may not have a choice about going ip....my CPN came today. She said im really ill and have a week to turn things around and start eating, and if i don't then decisions will be taken away from me and i will have no choice in what happens. She said im freezing cold, pale and have no memory and low blood sugar because im starving. So shes written me a timetable for the week that i have to follow thats got at least half a days bedrest in each day and shes said what i have to eat at each meal. She doesnt want me to go back to work on monday and shes getting me an emergency appointment to see the psychiatrist.

    Its only me that can make things better so im really going to try and do my best for her. But i dont really understand why shes making such a fuss,,,theres nothing wrong with me, im too fat for what shes saying. Yes i feel crap and like i want to die but that doesnt warrant help.

    I dont know.

    thank you again for such lovely replies
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2008
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    i am glad you have a good relationship with your therapist. And I am glad you are thinking on the lines of going voluntary. It makes a difference. Take a couple of good books. You will be in our thoughts!! Stay Safe....
  11. ANeverEndingRose

    ANeverEndingRose Well-Known Member

    Thanks!im not going in for a while yet though!not for as long as i can!
  12. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Despite your problems, you're able to practice medicine. That alone is an accomplishment. Don't worry about failure. Learn from it and go on. It's the only sure way to success. Corny, but that's all I can think of. :rockon:
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