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Dwelling on the past

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ReGReT, Apr 29, 2008.

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  1. ReGReT

    ReGReT Member


    I am here on the basis of sharing a few issues I have been experiencing for the past 1 and a half years. I'm currently 15 years old (Almost 16), I have literally no friends, no supportive family members and no will to live. I am at the brink of my utmost boiling point. Standing on the edge waiting for someone to give me that final push to salvation. Can I prevent my impending doom?.. ofcourse, though I simply cannot see the point. I can feel death's cold clutch grasping my shoulder, it's very presence invigorates me. A time to live, a time to die. Do I allow myself to slip away into eternity. Do I intervene and dissaprove death's dominance; or sit back idly and bleed out. On a lesser note, I have terrible floaters in my eyes. They're getting worse through each passing day. I have a history of eye related problems in my family. This burden is becoming unbearable. I really don't know how much longer I can avoid my inevitable fate. Although for some strange unknown reason I persist. An unknown force pushes me to my very limits urging me to continue. Thus is Human Instinct, survival. My higher dominance is capable of overriding my natural incorporated instincts. Thus allowing me to do literally whatever I want. I'm tired, I can feel the weight of the entire world crushing my shoulders, crushing my very being. I wish everything could be reversed. I want to go back to 2004-2006 before all this shit happened. Before my idiotic mother abandoned me. Before my best friend moved and discontinued all contact with me under strict directions of his overpowering parents. Before I was sent to a physc ward against my will. Everything was good, life was worth living.. before all this shit, I never questioned anything.. everything was simple, everything was perfect. I just know nothing would have changed if my mother eventually decided to stay. Her typical selfish self once again allowed her to do the indispicable. I was the victim of countless domestic disputes. We argued almost every night. We engaged in physical brawls and punchups, but yet somehow I was happy. I was happy because that shit diden't matter to me. I had it all, I had everything I needed at the time. I had countless friends, and my soulmate, and nothing else mattered. Now, I cannot help but feel deeply saddened and fixated on my once happy existence. Now this life is one of constant pain and misery. I am left to confront the unfortunate reality. Nothing will ever be that way again. Absolutely nothing can change that. During my early stages of life I would have never even contemplated having such thoughts of suicide. Suicide was often mocked amongst my circle of friends. Although noone ever spoke highly of the subject. I realise now the seriousness of such feelings. I realise the error of my ways. Nonetheless, I cannot change the past. I am left to face reality once again. I miss everything about my previous life. I feel as if im living in a totally different person. As if my once graceful self was an older brother. I have changed beyond belief. I am no longer that once popular loved kid. I deeply miss everything. I just wish everything would go back to the way it once was. Before all this shit happened. Before my nightmare began.
  2. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Amen to that :(
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I third that
  4. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    I agree, bring back the time machine! :sad:
  5. A time machine would really help me right now, if I could go back to 1993.
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