dying but not

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noplacetogo, Jun 25, 2008.

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  1. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    eh, haven't been here in awhile. Seriously thinking about it again. What really is the point?? People keep saying you have to find your own reason for living, well, what if I can't find any reason?? What if it's all meaningless to me. I'll never find love, anyone to love me, never make enough money to fill this gaping void. Never measure up to "normal" in this lifetime. I'm nothing in this life, and no matter what I do, I can't escape it. I guess there is ONE thing that would make it a little more bearable, if I won the mega jackpot lottery and bought a secluded house in the middle of nowhere and hid out there for the rest of my days... that might make this life somewhat bearable. But how the hell do I win the lottery?? that's stupid. I'm stupid. I hate myself and my life. I hate people and this godamned world. I hate being alive and being conscious and having to feel things and feeling like shit and crying and pain and love and work and everything. I won't ever change. I'm not worthy of life. i just need to die. I need to lie down and just die.
     
  2. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    At least, do your favorite things before you truly consider dying (which... I hope you'll never do) Try a new hobby, watch a game, drawing, learn a language etc., whatever floats your boat. There are so much we can do out there in the world and I have learned that from a very good member here, ItThing. Nowadays, finding your reason to live could come gradually, or in little hints, and it can get frustrating to wait everyday for some miracle to happen. :mellow:

    Cory
     
  3. ghosty11

    ghosty11 Guest

    Meaning = life. Life = whatever. No more things to do equals apathy and < Mod Edit - Offensive > If you die it is dark like prebirth dont expect an afterlife or you will expect a grave and their wont be a slave to tend to your everyday needs.
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2008
  4. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    Xenos, I've tried a little bit of a lot of things. Got some hobbies. But it's just not exactly doing it for me, you know what I mean. Sure they occupy my time for a moment, but it's only a moment, and when I turn out those lights at night and I'm alone on my cold hard bed, all I have is nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying. I just don't know if it's all that important anymore.
    And ghosty11, I don't believe in an afterlife. I don't care that there will be nothing waiting for me when I'm dead.
     
  5. ghosty11

    ghosty11 Guest

    Hobbies are a temporary distraction in the grand scheme of things. Yeah, the thought of the future is harrowing and daunting.
     
  6. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    and that's good that you're trying. even though those hobbies last for only a moment, it is better than thinking suicidal in that moment, because of the feeling that can only worsen when we think of it more.

    Here, I'll offer you a suggestion. Get on SF and check out the coffee house before you go to bed. it helps to have a smile on my face before I sleep. "I think I'll live another day, to find if there's a funny joke in the coffee house."
     
  7. ghosty11

    ghosty11 Guest

    yeah okay but dont give too much nonsense adivce before he gets sick of your superfically announced egotism.
     
  8. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    I think Xenos is just trying to lend a kind ear ghosty11, what's with the hostility. and I'm not a he btw. I understand where Xenos is coming from. I've tried being positive and know what you mean, but some days it's just like I've been fooling myself those other days. Like the truth was just being masked by all those things we try to convince ourselves matter. But I know how you are feeling by saying I should look on the brighter side. I've been there and sometimes go back, but today... I don't know. Somethings different. I feel it again, like I know there's nothing left for me, like I'm realizing it again for the first time. I'm sorry I'm being negative and refusing advice, it's just really hard for me.
    So what's up ghosty11, you don't sound ok? Is there anything you want to talk about?
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Why does there have to be a "reason"? Reason is subjective and changes from person to person. Reason is a human invention, something to make us "feel" as if we have some true ultimate purpose. Our human minds (limited as they are) need to find a way to explain the pitfalls and/or joys of life as we know it. Why? What's the point? Life simply IS and that's it. Do your best with what you have and try not to over-examine it. Our desire to find some spectacular or ultimate purpose distracts us from the "realness" of life, and it distracts us from realizing what it is really all about.

    So what if you cannot define a particular "reason" for your existence? Do I need to cure cancer or have 7 beautiful children or have a love affair like Romeo and Juliet in order for my life to have any meaning? Of course not. If you're lucky, you may experience something as "phenomenal" as these, but the bottom line is that we as individuals have some bizarre need to feel special or wanted or brilliant or beautiful, when in reality, we may in fact be just another brick in the wall.

    So what? Try to be the best brick you can be and let nature take its course. We need to stop over-analyzing everything and comparing ourselves to individuals who may or may not be happier than we are, just because we PERCEIVE them to be so.

    Maybe you will never invent something fantastic and world-changing...maybe you will never get married and have 2.5 children...maybe you will never have a million dollars; but then again, maybe you will never have Cancer...maybe you will never be homeless...maybe you will never be shot to death in a gunfight. What's the point in thinking about it?

    Just live your life as best you can and be content in the knowledge that you are a part of something immense and unknowable, and that's o.k.
     
  10. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    Anastasia, I guess I'm the kind of person who needs a reason. I can't seem to exist to merely exist. I want to be something, do something that means something to someone. I want to mean something, not just be another brick. Do you? Even if it's just one person I mean something to, that's ok with me. But I don't even have that. I have nothing. just things that mean nothing. I know what you're saying, just be and let be. I know I'm just another brick, probably even a bottom rung one, the ones they use on the fence facing side, but I'm sick about it. I can't just be. I can't just keep living my life this way, like a brick. And I've tried to change my mind, i really have, maybe not hard enough, but... I tried. And I am. I just don't know. I can feel it rising in me. I feel afraid now. I'm afraid to be a nothing in life and then nothing forever. I'm afraid and I'm sad and alone and empty and cold.
    what is it really about Anastasia?
     
  11. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    If there is a guy/girl out there who's fighting to find a reason/purpose, and has found it, then I'd want to fight too for the same reasons. They were strong, and if they could do it, so can I, or something like that. Yeah sorry, that sounded weird to say. :laugh:

    but it's a reason for me. if not for you, you have friends on SF who care for you very much. I for one would be depressed and sad if you left. :cry:
     
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know what you mean, I gave up on relationships years ago because every relationship I have been in cheated on me. And this is the stupid part(because you were never home.All you do is work so I find you boring.) Now isn't that a pisser. They said I was boring but they sure spent the money that I worked so hard for. My last relationship I thought was going well, started running around because I worked 3rd shift. She said I wasn't showing her any affection.So she ripped me off for $18,000. Thats when I gave up on trying to find someone I could hold and love. You no what after all these years I don't even miss it.
    I find it hard to tell you it will be o.k. and not feel like a hypocryt. You are young and need to try other options as far as finding someone who cares and who you will care for. Don't give up! try to avoid bars. Most people in bars are regulars and aren't ready to settledown to a so called normal life.
    I truley wish you luck and keep looking your other half is out there...:chopper:
     
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Then follow the existentialists like Sartre and CREATE meaning in your life. If life has no meaning, no purpose, then give it meaning and purpose. Nobody is going to come along and drop it in your lap. Write the story of your own destiny. Personally, I do believe life has a great deal of meaning, I just think that the things we believe to be meaningful are often far different from those that truly are.
     
  14. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    Anastasia, I didn't mean to sound like an ass when I asked what is it really about, I was responding to your comment when you said "Our desire to find some spectacular or ultimate purpose distracts us from the "realness" of life, and it distracts us from realizing what it is really all about." So I wanted to ask what you thought what it is really about. Sorry. I'm glad you have real meaning in your life. It just gets so hard for me sometimes when I'm sunk down real low like I am. I still can't see it to be honest. I know that whole deal about finding your own meaning. I do try. I try to find reasons to live. There was this episode of Star Trek I saw where Data, the android is asked what he thinks the purpose of human life is and Data says that having someone to care about gives meaning and purpose to life. I'm not sure why I brought that up really, :S but I just thought it rang true. When we have no one to care about or no one who cares about us, that may be the end. Or even nothing to care about. And I feel most of the time, that there is no one, there's nothing.

    I see what you're saying Xenos, people have come out victorious. But I wonder how. I'd sure like to know.

    Stranger1, sorry about your circumstances. Wish I could tell you not to give up also but I'd feel like a hypocrite too. Maybe you should stay away from the bars:p and I'm actually not all that young anymore but thanks for the advice.
     
  15. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Life becomes stagnant. People eventually get tired of rigmarole and they usually take a holiday. But for some people (especially those who are depressed), not even a holiday will suffice. They will pine for something with each passing day they don't get it it becomes more and more unbearable. What those people need are fireworks and romance and brilliance and amazement, just to quell these horrible feelings.
    I've not found out if we can get a long term meaning to life yet.

    All I know is that I still care about you noplace and i'm glad you're talking again. The whole world can be your ear these days. Utilise it well.
     
  16. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member



    You absolutely did NOT offend me in any way :) I know you feel low, and I am very sorry for that, because my wish for every single person here is to feel some sort of purpose that can get them through the day. All I know is that you find it within yourself, whether or not you have someone specific to attach that meaning to. Take Mother Theresa for example (I know, big shoes to fill, right?). She loved the world, even when the world did not love her back. She found her purpose and her reason for being. It IS possible.

    What do I think it's really about? I guess finding purpose in life is really about doing what you love (whatever that may be) and being able to feel empathy and compassion for people who may not even know you exist. That is a very trite way of putting it, I know. I just have this feeling that true purpose comes from being the perfect YOU. What if you were the ONLY person in the world? How would you find purpose? I'm not sure of the answer myself. Maybe that IS the answer? How would you utilize your time and expand your mind? I dunno. I may be just talking shit :)
     
  17. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    How people came out victorious, I believe Anastasia has answered that for you. :smile: Much better than how I could've said it... ^.^
     
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