Dying Grandmother

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Pretzel, Aug 25, 2010.

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  1. Pretzel

    Pretzel Member

    My grandmother was just admitted to the hospital yesterday because she's been having stomach problems. I mean, she's been having a lot of problems lately, also with her leg. She's been on bedrest and I've basically been the one taking care of her. Anyway, today I went to visit her with my grandfather and the whole time I was just trying not to cry. The men in my family aren't very outwardly emotional for one thing, but also I didn't want to upset my grandmother. She was just so out of it and couldn't even keep her eyes open despite not being on any painkillers anymore. It really upset me and I'm almost certain these are her last few days. I'm really thankful that she got to see me graduate college and everything and I'm sure she knows that our family will be okay, but she's always been the one to take care of everyone and to see her so feeble in the hospital was heartbreaking. When I went to hug her goodbye I finally just lost it and burst into tears. Anyway, I just feel empty now after that. I can't stop thinking about her in the hospital and I wish I was there with her, even if she's sleeping the whole time, but at the same time I feel like I'd just start weeping the entire time. On the ride home, I almost got into two accidents and I couldn't bring myself to care. If this is how bad it is when she's not even gone yet, I can't imagine how much I'll miss her or if I'll even be able to handle it when she's gone.

    Anyway, I don't even know why I'm writing all this. I don't really have anyone else to talk to, my friends (like my family) aren't very emotional people and I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, I guess I just needed to tell someone how hard it is for me to cope with this and how scared I am for my own well-being.

    Has anyone else experienced anything like this that they'd be willing to talk to me about?
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry your family is going through such a bad time at the moment. I'm sorry your grandmother is so ill. Do they know what's been causing her problems?

    Right now things will feel really messy because you don't really know where you are or what's going on or going to happen, like you're used to caring for her, but she's now being cared for by someone else which can leave a huge space in your life, you are terrified she is going to die and are desperate for her to live, but on the other hand you think she will die and are trying to prepare for it, yet you can't grieve because she is still alive, so you're just left with a mixed jumble of feelings all over the place.

    I can relate. A lot. I don't want to go into too much detail but these past three weeks have been torrid for our family and we nearly lost both my grandads, and we did think that both were likely to die. However, currently, one is on the improve and the other is nearly back to his normal self after having his acute problem sorted out.

    Its very hard when you feel unable to be open about your emotions because all you are feeling is totally normal and expected and its actuall good to show it because it helps to heal and deal with that's going on.

    If you're really scared for yourself, then maybe it could be worthwhile looking into some support for yourself? Maybe support groups surrounding grief or being a carer or maybe something more in the mental health area to try and have someone you can talk to and who can help.
  3. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    I know far too well what you are going through now. Five months ago, I lost my father. He was 87 and lived a good long life. The dieing process began about a year ago. He had pancreatic cancer and lived six months with it. The main advice I can give is spend what time you can with her. You will feel better for it afterwards. I was at my parent's house the day he died. It was the first time I have seen someone die. It was a very rough time, but I am glad I was there.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good to share what your feeling here get the sadness out in the open
    we all grieve for our loved ones and your fear of loosing your grandmother one can understand your sadness. Keep talking okay lots here understand that pain take care
  5. Pretzel

    Pretzel Member

    Thank you guys for your support.

    I still visit my grandmother every day. It's getting easier now I think, though she's still very out of it. I don't know exactly what's wrong with her... her leg had a wound that wouldn't heal so her doctor prescribed perkoset (however you spell it) and it makes her so drowsy and unaware of her surroundings. Plus she's on dialysis, and seems to be losing her memory. But my dad assures me she should get better. That doesn't stop the fear that she'll be gone soon, though.
  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Pretzel, I can relate to what you're going through. My grandmother has been in hospital for nearly three months now. She had a minor fall and was admitted, and since being in hospital she has fallen over a further three times (that we've been informed of), and as a direct result of those falls she has broken her hip, fractured her leg and has a cracked skull. We are now playing a waiting game to see the outcome of the bleeding on her brain.

    I completely understand your fear of losing your grandmother. She is clearly a very important person in your life and it's obvious how much you love her. I suggest that you speak privately with her nurses (and docor/consultant if possible) and tell them openly about your fears. They will be honest with you about her condition and hopefully will be able to alleviate your fears.

    Keep talking to us, we understand and will listen.

  7. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member


    I'm very sorry that you are going through this right now.

    I lost my grandfather this past May. Cancer---pancreas and liver. Diagnosis completely out of the blue, one day he went to the hospital because he looked a little jaundiced, and he never came home. When he was diagnosed, they gave him 2-3 months, but told us not to be surprised if he didn't make it 6 weeks. He made it almost exactly 5 months.

    My grandfather would get sick, then *appear* to get better, then be really out of it, then be better, and that was hard. It was hard because we knew he wasn't really getting better, but some irrational part of us was hoping.

    Do not be afraid to spend time with your grandmother, even if she is completely out of it and doesn't even know you're there. When my grandpa got sick, I started driving home every weekend to be with him. 8 hours in a car *every weekend*. People thought I was nuts. My family thought I was nuts. I knew that I would never regret doing it, but that I could regret *not* doing it. The only regret I have is that I was not there at the moment of his passing.

    Don't be afraid to laugh. I have lots of funny stories of things that happened during the time we spent at the nursing home with my grandpa.

    But at the same time, don't feel like you have to put on a brave face for anyone. Death is a scary thing. But if/when your grandma is lucid, look at her, see how she feels about it. Where is she in *her* grieving process? I took a lot of comfort in my grandpa's attitude. If one can be upbeat while actively dying...he was.
  8. Pretzel

    Pretzel Member

    Just to let anyone know if they were curious, my grandmother passed away this evening...

    Things were looking so good for her and she was scheduled to come home at the end of this week... but her heart gave out today and they couldn't bring her back...

    I don't know if it hit me properly yet or if I can handle a life without her.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for your loss. She was so fortunate to have someone like you love her as you did. I am sure she knew that and was comforted by you...it is normal to cry when sad, no matter what your gender...please be who you are..you sound so empathic and caring...do not let anyone change that...again, sorry for your loss...big hugs, J
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you lost your dear grandmother....You will still be in shock...
    the only way to grieve is to just let it happen
    remember to breathe, take one day at a time and look after yourself
  11. Confused and Lost

    Confused and Lost Well-Known Member

    My nan has gone through the same sort of thinsg for the past three years there has been times at hospital where the doctors have said it will be tough for her to make it through the night. I found it incrediably hard as i was in the middle of taking my GCSE's during all this. Its hard but you realise its gonna happen in the end and i know this sounds harsh as i have been in the same position as you where i use to cry and just wish to be with her all the time. But its what your grandmother wants you to do. Would she liek you dying in a acident because of being upset over her? Or would she want you to live your life and be happy with every moment you ahve left with her?

    :) x
  12. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Pretzel, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's clear that you loved her so much, and as Sadeyes said, she was lucky to have you.

    Keep your mind focussed on the positive things in her life, and your favourite memories of her. It might be nice to write them all down, so that in the coming weeks and months as you grieve for your wonderful grandmother you can read back through the best times you shared with her.

    Don't forget to look after yourself. I know you're not thinking about yourself at this time, but it's still important to take care of you. Make sure you eat properly and get enough sleep. I completely understand your fear of a life without her, but for now don't think about the future, just focus on each day.

    Keep posting here, if it helps you. We're all thinking of you and will be here if you need to talk.

  13. Pretzel

    Pretzel Member

    Thank you guys very much.

    I'm coping with it a little better. I still think, "Is she really gone?" all the time. I wake up and think everything's normal, but then I remember that it's not. It's hard but I'm just returning to my normal routines and kind of just floating on. I also met a guy who is really helping me through it, as he lost his father in April. So, I know in the end that I will be okay. :) Thank you guys for your kind messages.
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