dying on my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malcontent, Jun 24, 2008.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    This will probably be lost in a sea of other threads, in a way I hope it is. Whenever people offer me support I get paranoid and question their motives, like who are they really? what do they want from me? But anyway...

    I'm seriously contemplating suicide. Not in an angry, heat of the moment kind of way like when I normally want to kill myself, but in the serious and scary way. It's pretty much all I think about. Whenever anyone asks me how I am the words "I want to die" rise in my throat. Nothing gets my mind off of it. If I was giving advice to someone else feeling this way I'd tell them to get professional help quick, but I've been through counselling and therapy and I think I got everything I could out of it. Not saying it didn't help, when I last had counselling it was excellent and I'm using all the ways I learnt to cope. But I still want to die. Sometimes on the surface I hate myself, but not deep down. I'm an ok guy, I fuck up quite a lot but so does everyone. I've come to terms with the abuse I went through as a kid and the domestic abuse that happend when I was a teenager. I haven't cut in about 8 months and haven't over-eaten in about 4. I haven't taken any drugs apart from the ones I'm supposed to since Feburary (I used to be on anti-depressants but they didn't really do anything). I've drank a little bit but haven't been drunk since the begining of the year. And yet I still want to die. I do feel very unloved and I'm stressed out by my job and something else which I don't really want to discuss here, but I've been through worse. But I still long for death every second of every day. Maybe I'm just not meant to live in this world, I've always thought that as long as I can remember. I've always felt like an outcast or an alien sent here to study humans. No matter how kind people are or how inclusive they try to be I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm completely calm as I'm writting this and feel completely grounded - and yet I want to kill myself, and I really think I will soon.

    So yeah, that's my soul bared I guess
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling this way Mal. I know you said you are using what you learned from your counselors to try and cope and don't feel you can learn anything else from them, but sometimes it goes beyond the coping methods. You need that human touch and interaction. maybe the reassurance that they can give. I would like to encourage you to get an appointment and give your counselor a chance to make a difference. Congratulations on staying away from all the self harming behaviors. I am proud of you. Thank you for trusting us enough to post your feelings and letting us try to do what we can to support you. You are a good person Mal. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Sorry you feel this way :( Your really a great person, I hope yo realise that. I really love talking with you on the chat and I would be devestated if anything happened to you. My thoughts are very much the same now, I have nightmares about it, I think about it all the time, I fantasise about it, the lot. I've even found myself googling images of it. Death is an everyday part of my life. I picture my cells dying one by one, my body inching slowly towards it.

    I've pretty much lost all my inhibitions because I am no longer afraid of it.

    I don't want you to feel alone with these thoughts, because your not.
  4. Rachael41

    Rachael41 Well-Known Member

    I really understand how u feel even if u dont believe me.
    I always feel like an outsider asthough the world (and everything in it) is passing by and u can do nothing but watch..

    We both know life sucks so im not goin to lie to u and tell u its easy, but u seem to b pretty strong. You said yourself u havent overeaten, drank, or cut in a long time. That shows determination and strength! :biggrin:

    Iv tried to kill myself before and i did it feeling the way u do. Calm and normal asthough i really wanted it.
    And i did...really want it...but for some reason i failed and im still here in this messed up world :(....

    I think that if u really feel asthough u might do something then u could talk to someone. Not a shrink as such, a friend, relative? someone u trust who wouldnt judge u.
    Or even someone on here.

    Everyone on here is here for u, whenever u need advice/help....
    I hope you dont go through with it, because i think u seem strong and courageous to have stopped yourself from doin other bad habbits (cutting, drinking)

    Dont go through with it! the world would not be the same without u :)
  5. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    I don't have the energy at the moment to construct a reply to your post matey, but here's a hug, if it's any consolation: :hug: :)
  6. ghosty11

    ghosty11 Guest

    Energy is a mere illusion as Took says it is all in the pool of life we here equals madness any more and we schizo.
  7. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Thanks for the support everyone

    Corrina I think you might be right that I need human touch and interaction. Unfortunately seeing a counsellor isn't an option at the moment, I don't have the time or the money. I'd feel as if it was a waste of their time anyway. I can talk to you guys but ultimately it is just words on a screen, even though there's real people behind them. I don't have a lot of "in real life" friends, there's a couple of people I suppose I could go and see but I can't really open up to them enough. Letting down my walls is something I very rarely do. It's really tough to be doing it here to be honest.

    In a way I'm scared that I'm not doing anything to damage myself anymore. It's like I don't care enough as I know I'm going to kill myself.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good morning Malcontent,
    First no one hear wants anything bad to happen to you! We are here to help support you. I no what you mean about thinking everyone is out to screw you. I fought good and hard and I hear what my therapist says, but deep down I still don't trust people. I feel like they are talking about me,or laughing at me. I always feel they are staring at me.
    As far as suicide thoughts go, I have been fighting them for fourteen years. The solution I finally came up with is they are always going to be there, so I have learned to live with them. Some days are better than others, but for the most part I still think of them on a dailey basis.
    As far as trusting people that is a hard one to fight. After all these years I still have major trust issues. I hope you take this to heart. MY therapist says everyone I think is talking about me, laughing at me, and staring at me are in there own little worlds. I only think these things,and they aren't real. So I beleive her for she hasn't steered me wrong yet. I am still working on it. I get out of the house for appointments and to go to the grocery store. I have started driving myself. Every now and then my anxiety is to high for me to wonder out on my own, so my sister goes with me...Stay Safe...:chopper:
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think we construct a space to foster how we feel...you feel on the outside...estranged...like many ppl who are depressed feel...what would it take to change that perception? does the caring of others (a little abstract and distant at the moment) represent a way in which you can relate? You say you are too busy to seek further counseling...what if it was a cardiac condition? Would your position still be the same? I worry that you (and most of us in a similar mind set) do not recognize the gravity of the situation because of an over-riding malaise...please seek the support you need now and be safe...J
  10. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Oddly though I don't feel depressed, I don't feel happy either though. I just feel nothing at all. Can someone be suicidal but not depressed? I'm not sure that I am actually paranoid either. I don't suspect everyone, and I know there are genuine people around, but I also know that most people have an ulterior motive for nearly everything they do. It might sound arrogant but I'm cursed with an ability to figure things out very quickly. I wouldn't say I'm particularly smart, shrewd maybe, I'm not sure of the suitable word. In the past I haven't trusted my gut instinct about situations and people, yet afterwards I've been proved right. Now I do and I don't feel depressed, just suicidal, like I've figured life out and found that it's empty. I'm ready for life to end and there's nothing to keep me here, no partner, no kids, no particularly close friends. One thing that has kept me going in the past is wanting to learn more and discover things, I by no means know it all but I have no desire to learn anything more. I have no desire for anything really, except maybe love, but I suspect even that is empty. I don't want to rely on someone else to give me a reason to live, that isn't fair on them. The world is a beautiful place and people can be wonderful and terrible at one and the same time, all this will carry on without me and I can't improve on that in any way. So death seems like the only option.
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Here's the 'space' I was talking about: death being the only option...if you are truly resourceful then you could also posit the counter-argument, if not death, then what...once that is open to scrutiny, the 'space' (perceptions) changes..and yes, one can feel numb, disengaged, the perception of not being depressed, but I think this all stems from some form of depression...stay safe and please keep posting...J
  12. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I do actually agree with that. I've tried thinking of pros and cons for "why live" and "why die" and I can't think of anything for either option. Maybe I want to die because it's the easier option, but I can't see any reason to take the harder road. I wish there was a reason for me to live, I'm looking and open to finding one but if there is one I can't see it. I fear that reasons to keep living would only be provided by other people, which as I've said isn't fair on those other people and would be gone when those people leave. Which would put me right back where I am now anyway.
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Mal, you have described signs of depression even though you said you don't feel depressed. Depression is not just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It includes lack of interest in things that interested you before (learning new things), feeling empty, feeling nothing, not caring about anything, and yes suicidal thoughts. I wish I could give you what you need beyond just the words on a screen. I understand what you are saying about not having the money for a therapist, but I think it is important enough that you make the time to do it anyway. We are talking about your life. I think it is well worth your time to do whatever it takes to save it. I have no ulterior motives when I say to you I think you are a fantastic person and wish to see no harm done to you, self inflicted or otherwise. I care about you, whether we have met in real life or not. Please take care of yourself and stay safe hun. :hug:
  14. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Wisdom is wisdom, no matter where it is derived...if not for other ppl, I would either be extremely and tragically ill or so not here...life is a poo poo platter...we take what we can and use it as best as we can...yes, you cannot live exclusively for another, but the love, caring and guidance of others can surely assist in finding life fulfilling alternatives...J
  15. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    It's possible that my depression has got worse than ever before then, that's worrying... I'd like to let other people help, but I have a tendancy to take everything that someone has (emotionaly speaking) and I really hate that about myself. The more I care about someone the more I seem to hurt them, just giving me more to beat myself up over. Part of the reason why I'm still living is that I haven't made a proper appology to the people I've drained yet. I'm not the nice guy most people seem to think I am, I'm not all bad but I can be very difficult to deal with. I'm sorry for that, truely. I suppose I could lean on people, but in many ways I can't see the point. To be honest I don't see much in me worth saving, I'm an ok person but there's nothing special or unique that would be a loss to the world. If it takes someone else to show me that there is I will feel that I've used them. Also what's the point if I'm not even gonna be around for much longer anyway no matter what anyone does?

    I'm sorry I can't write more at the moment, I think I may have said too much anyway. I do appreciate the replies
  16. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    That's a lot of what my problem is too. I never had any abuse and I'm not a guy so. . . yeah. But I don't fit in anywhere. I feel weird when people give me advice and then I get obsessive. Urgh. Good job on the not cutting for so long :biggrin:. I've haven't cut in a long time either so I know how hard it is to just stop. I had a couple days when I just gave in and then hated myself for it. But yeah :smile:, I stopped. I don't really know what kind of advice to give you though sorry. I just woke up and my mind's still in a fog.
  17. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is my new assumption: life is messy...it is difficult and so very overwhelming, at times...many of us do not know what is 'normal/modal'...what can be attributed to just being human...if your depression has worsened, then it may be time for a tune-up, either going back to the person who treated you before, or finding someone else...best of luck, J
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