i wish i could say things have gotten better over the years, but they just seem to get worse. i had 2 hospitalizations in the last year but i really needed a lot more. who knows why i'm still alive. i really wish my last overdose had taken. i did a really good job except for the fact that my husband took me to the er and had them pump my stomach. i don't understand what's so great about being pregnant. i hate being pregnant. i figure i only have to survive until april and then i can try again. maybe this time i'll actually die. the only thing that keeps me from trying is this baby. i don't want her to suffer. it's not her fault she has a reject for a mother i certainly can't raise her feeling this way all of the time i just wish i could die now i wish i wasn't pregnant so i could shoot myself my husband keeps a gun in the house so getting a hold of one is not an issue i just have to have this baby first then i can blow my brains out.