Dying To Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Polar, Aug 18, 2009.

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  1. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Everybody,

    I'm sorry to say this but I'm not very well at all. Actually, I've had enough. The last straw came today when while on the phones in my job I couldn't do one thing right. I let down customer after customer and it's all because I can't concentrate, my speech is slurred and coordination is poor.

    I've bought some rope and a step ladder and I'm going to go to the woods and end it. I hope no relative of mine ever has to go through shopping for suicide tools. It's a horrible experience.

    At work for those who don't know, I have been bullied and hurt by somebody. She constantly put me down in any conversation I had with her, consistently lied to me, always talked behind my back and laughed at me all the time. I may sound weak but I just now sit at my desk and don't go anywhere and it has taken its toll. I have no confidence left whatsoever. I'm gone. To make matters worse her mother is a psychiatric nurse at a Private Hospital in Glen Iris and what, I'm expected just to walk in and open up to them? The Australian psychiatric profession have inflated my body and doped me with medication and false advice and opening up to them is not an option. This incident with this girl only makes me more upset. No thanks.

    I always wanted to get to America to get treatment but I never had the money. I've now almost saved up enough but I can't hold for another month. I just can't. I would like to say I'm so grateful for all of the support I have received here. You are wonderful people and I'm so thankful for you being there for me. These mental and physical symptoms I can't tolerate no more. I'm getting out and dying with dignity.

    I've watched myself for the last few months just deteriorate and now I can't even speak in a conversation with any coherency. It can't get any worse and I think the one thing in life I've got to look forward to is death.

    There is a mother who lost her daughter to suicide and my friend who lost his life also. I'm so sorry to them I couldn't be stronger.

    I've set the date for this weekend just so I can say goodbye to a few before I go. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it's over. I've had enough.

    In my post about hurting people, I can't recollect ever hurting anybody without apologising to them afterwards. So deliberate or unintentional, that is what has brought me down.

    At home I have two younger disabled brothers and my parents have enough to worry about with them. So if I can't look after myself or can't get help in Australia, I have to go.

    Thanks again everybody for being there. I really appreciate your help and I sincerely mean that. However, I can't hold on.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hi polar, i've never had th epleasure of speaking to you but i would like to extend my hand to you, you say you have almost the money saved to get treatment in america why cant you just hang on for the extra month, you sound like your at rock bottom so you can go any lower, the only way is up. no matter what you think of your family your departure will effect them, if you dont think so ask your friend who lost her daughter.
    you can make it. i'm here if you need to talk
     
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hi Polar. I just experienced the death of my friend to suicide and although he was troubled, his mother is not better off without him. She is destroyed as will your parents be if you go through with this. They would rather deal with your issues and continue to try and help you than the pain they will feel without you. It will tear them apart. Please try to hold on until you can get some additional help. Please!
     
  4. jackfoo123

    jackfoo123 Member

    Sometimes, enough is enough. It is a fact that ppl around may be hurt as a result of our suicide but are we going to continue life in misery because of them? And Polar, don't try to hang urself, its extremely painful. < Mod Edit - Please don't give people suggestions like that, thanks. >
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2009
  5. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Polar,

    I have seen your responses to some of my threads I have started, especially to my verses. It would be fair to say that because of people like you who have been kind enough to say a few encouraging words is the only reason I am still here.

    I am still in a bad place, my life is still an unending tangled mess and who knows what I may do in a moment where my resolve fails and I make an another attempt on myself.

    But you have been there and gave me a little bit of hope and for that, I am grateful. Can I return this and give you some encouragement not to do anything extreme? This place is full of good supporting people and I have come to regard you as one of them. Please think about what you are saying and stay here to help others like me who feel at times they cannot cope with life.

    Graham
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you don't go through with it. You can make it another month; if you almost have enough money saved up, it's worth the fight to make the trip and seek help.
     
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You know...I really resent this! Did you bother to read the ethos and rules here? This is not a site where you come to be convinced to end it all! It's a help forum for life, not the other way around. Your first post is to try and help someone go through with it?

    POLAR...please take a look at what the others have to say and let us try to help you live!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2009
  8. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Please don't kill yourself. That girl who teased you and was mean is just as miserable and she's probably jealous of you. Usually people who make fun of others have low self esteem and are trying to put down others to make them feel better...

    I know right now its really hard to find reasons to live, but please try...Perhaps you should talk to a professional or maybe a help line? It's anonymous and helpful...
     
  9. thowra

    thowra Member

    Dear polar

    YOU are not weak for hating this girl, shes the weak one struggling to make herself look better in the eyes of her peers.

    yes i dont know you BUT YOU can show her, show everyone that your better than them , that you dont need their guilt trips .......everyone always says how badly it hurts the people around you if you try to "leave this world" but in the end doesent that just make you feel MORE guiilty more deserving of death,SO PROVE THEM THAT YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH IN BOTH MIND AND BODY to overcome whatever life throws at you.

    avoid the generic and monotonous
    grab hold of your life
    it will mean a lot to you in the end

    ha ha maybe i should take some of my own advice:rolleyes:

    hope you are ok
    :hugtackles:
     
  10. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Everybody,

    Thowra, Living In My Own World, Shades, Wild Cherry, Sad Rabbit, JackFoo123 and Wheresmysheep thank you all for your responses. Thank you to everybody else for your kind words and sentiments as well. I'm so sorry to put this on everyone and I feel really awful.

    I still don't feel very well at all. I visited a hospital tonight fearing I would do something silly and talked to two psychiatric nurses. They think I've been misdiagnosed for the past ten years and to be honest I'm sick of going back to the ER or ED as it is known in Australia all of the time.

    Sad Rabbit, I really appreciated your words and thank you for being there for me like everybody else. I just wish I could walk into work and not feel I'm working in an environment where I'm going to be disrespected and disliked. I suppose I just want to feel safe.

    You're right about the impact it has on family. I know because my friend did it and I have to see his family every week. Then the thought of a teenage girl being tormented to death must be dreadful for her mother. However, I'm struggling so much I can't even speak a straight sentence or give the right answer to any customers on the phone. What will happen is I will lose my job soon and then there will be nothing. Just memories of being bullied out of work.

    Thanks everybody. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and words.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't ever have to apologize for posting. It's okay; we want you to post so that we can try to help.

    What is it the psychiatric nurses think you have?

    Is there any way you can take a few days off work, days you can spend trying to relax and regroup?

    It's really good to see that you're still around. Here if you need anything, you can PM me anytime.
     
  12. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Everybody,

    Thank you Wildcherry. I like your messages because they always don't appear to make the person in trouble feel guilty. So thank you.

    I was diagnosed with a well known serious illness ten years ago. This is so serious that one in ten people will commit suicide and one in four will attempt it. It's also an illness that is very decapacitating. The nurses have thrown my world into utter chaos by the two of them saying that you've been misdiagnosed and the medication you've taken for the past ten years have been futile. They think I have an 'adjustment disorder'.

    I was shocked. I asked them again, are you sure about this? They replied they can guarantee I don't have it. So I'm basically back to the start. Look at this way though. I can only go up. I just feel I've been cheated a bit. Drowsiness and weight increase for medication which hasn't helped. This is really scary because now I don't know who to believe in the profession nor do I know what is wrong with me?

    I'm much better today but I'm still suicidal. I really still don't want to live. As for the girl at work, she's just really rubbed salt into the wounds unnecessarily. I'm really scared and still want to die.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It bothers me when people use guilt to try and help someone. Usually, the person is feeling bad enough, without being made to feel guilty.

    I'd be scared too. That's a lot to deal with, especially when you thought you had something else for so long. You're right, it's like you've been cheated out of ten years. But I'm glad you're still here and still willing to fight. Your life is worth fighting for.

    Is it possible for you to go to a different doctor to get another opinion? You've got a right to know what's really going on, and to have all your questions answered.

    You can PM me if you ever feel like talking!
     
  14. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Everybody,

    Thank you WildCherry for your kind words. A doctor couldn't have given a better prescription than them. So thank you!

    Another doctor is an alternative but I'd like to get to America. There's a famous Australian sports personage who went there for treatment and he is coming through his problems very well. I have a doctor in mind who suits my kind of personality. It's just a matter of getting the money.

    I'm still very suicidal but I'm trying.

    Thanks again WildCherry. I hope I can return the favour one day!

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're already returning the favor, just by trying. Because I know that's not easy. I hope you can get to America to see the doctor you have in mind!
     
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are suffering greatly you mom will help just reach out to her okay. My daughter suffers greatly like you being harrassed bullied most of her life but ignore those people they will amount to nothing. I had a breakdown when my brother killed himself and my daughter has attempted several times. I tell you your mother will be the next to go if you do anything to harm yourself she won't be able to forgive herself for your pain and not being able to help you. Reach out to her please she loves you and will protect you from it all please trust her to do what is right for you. I know i fought with every inch in me to get my daughter help and so will she and guess what my daughter is finallly feeling better. So can you please stay and reach out for help now.
     
  17. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Everybody,

    Thank you Violet for giving the situation to me from a mother's perspective. That was really good. I know with the two mothers I speak to regularly that they still suffer after their children committed suicide. So it's good to be reminded of that angle.

    I wish I could say I'm still not suicidal but I still am. It always helps though when people like you remind me how precious your loved ones are. So thank you!

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  18. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Everybody,

    Thank you all for your kind words.

    I'm not to well today. Actually, I'm very bad. Can't seem to get any confidence at all and it's making me still really want to end it.

    I know I should be stronger but it's extremely hard. I'm going to watch some television tonight and go to bed.

    I hope I feel better tomorrow and for all those feeling unwell, I hope you feel better soon too.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you feel better today. *hugs* Here if you need anything.
     
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i hope you can continue to talk to us we are here and we care. If you get to the point where it is to hard please call crisis line. A real person often helps to hear that voice and they will talk you throught the rough times okay. If you think you need hospital stay then call emerg and tell them you are afraid of hurting yourself they will get you the help you deserve as well. I see in all your writings you are a fighter so please reach deep and keep fighting and also know when to reach out for help okay. Stay safe always think of how you can beat this and youwill with support.
     
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