maybe I can post and pretend like i'm someone else. like no one will recognise my username and no one will remember talking to me. no one will remember any posts i've ever made or how nice or horrible i've been to them. maybe i can start over. its december 14th 2007. and I am frightened. two years ago on January 3rd I was so suicidal I joined a suicide support forum.. this one. last christmas I was so suicidal I cried all christmas day, curled up in a ball on the ground. last year i had joe. he was in australia and i missed him so much, but he was mine... and now i dont. what have I achieved this year? isolation from my family isolation from my friends nothing. its funny, when people tell me they are lonely now, its just like being stabbed in the heart. I remember when I used to feel that lonely. Like no one was listening to me. and then, in march, I took an overdose. and my dad and my sister (who don't know me very well) asked me, why did you do it. So I told them. This year I gave my dad a mental break down. He's been put in a psychiatric ward and rehab... he's out now and not drinking.. people always say 'you didn't cause that, people have their own pain, you're not to blame' don't waste your breath, because I am living this life and I know what is true and what is not. He lived in a bubble of denial and I burst it. So no, the pain is not all my fault, but 24+ years of pain hitting him all at once, is. So my dad and sister are just trying to cope with his problems down in Dorset. And they don't wanna hear about my stuff. But they never really did.. My mum is so overwhelmed with having me in the house and my grandparents being sick that shes asked me just not to tell her anything any more. For the past 4 months I've done as she asked. Not said a word. Suffered in silence as she comes home later and later each night, trying to spend the least amount of time possible in my presence. ( a ghosts presence, I stay in my room all day ) So, no family. Having now been housebound for almost 3 years my friends gradually tapered off, I couldnt take their calls and couldnt call them, and couldnt go out, stopped going to college... I dont blame them... I just miss them.. and I cant see how a time will ever come about when I can have friends and be happy again, where would I make them and how? My only real life friend is Nick, my ex boyfriend. Who I speak to, about once every fortnight.. Hes got a new job and his life goes on. Mine doesnt. So if you think you're lonely? Try being suicidal, unable to leave your house, with no family to talk to, and no friends. But you have online friends! Obvious answer right. But no, I dont. I have two people I can talk to online. One is in America, and I look forward to talking to him but I get frustrated because he cant talk to me when I need him. He has to work, be with his wife, sleep or whatever.. and then another friend, who is in England but in the past betrayed me so badly that I cant yet bring myself to tell him anything. But three nights ago I broke my vow of t-totalism. I managed to drink half a bottle of archers by myself. Not alot I suppose, only 8 alcaholic units, but for someone whos never been able to drink a whole glass of champagne even, its alot. You know, if I was an alcaholic, getting help would be so much easier? Thats the stupid thing. If I could get pregnant, or get addicted to drugs, or alcahol, or if i was a criminal, they'd help me. Or even if my IQ was under 100. They'd help me. Cos then I'd be easy. AM I TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU? IS IT GONNA TAKE MORE THAN 2 SECONDS TO HELP ME SO YOUR GONNA NOT BOTHER TO SAVE YOUR FUCKING FUNDING?? FUCK YOU They keep refusing to give me help because I 'dont have a mental illness'. I've been asking for help for 5 and a half years now, for my depression (which has lasted 13 years). At their refusal to help I have deteriorated into being housebound (only leaving the house when forced to or for psychiatric assessments, for example, if there is no food in the house, i will be hungry rather than go get some. genuinely). I dropped out of college (a* student to dropout). I have no friends and family. I obsess about suicide 24/7. I cant get a job, go to school, make friends, go out... WHAT ELSE HAS TO BE WRONG WITH ME UNTIL I AM CONSIDERED ''CRITICAL'' ENOUGH TO QUALIFY? IF SOMEONE CANT LEAVE THEIR FUCKING HOUSE FOR FOOD, IF THEY DONT SEE THE POINT IN TAKING A BATH FOR 2 MONTHS, IF THEY SLEEP 16 HOURS A DAY AND CRY THE REST OF THE DAY, I THINK THEY COUNT AS BEING FUCKING ILL. ****s. I hate the nhs. - psychiatry (assessed and refused treatment) 5 times - psychology (assessed and refused treatment) once - CBT (refused treatment) - anti depressants (tried 3 times, but had them stopped after psychiatrist refused treatment) - counselling (had a counsellor throughout most of the past 5 years, enjoyed it mostly but obviously not helpful or i wouldnt of deteriorated) - respite care / residential care (assessed and refused treatment) fuck you fuck the whole fucking lot of you!!! FUCK YOU 'you can't leave your house? well to ease your anxiety why dont you start going to a club, make some friends? go to the leisure center' 'BECAUSE I CANT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE YOU MORON' I want the fucking residential care you ****s. you've left me on my own to rot for 5 fucking years. 3 of which locked away with only my own fucking brain now i have to relearn how to live normally. i dont KNOW how to make friends, how to go outside, how to apply for a job, how to not attempt suicide at the idea of trying to convince an employer that i am capable of writing my own name.. i cant do anything any more AND ITS YOUR FUCKING FAULT. Originally the rape, lauras death, dad and jemma, yeah, that fucked me up, BUT ITS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES LEAVING ME HERE TO DIE AND TELLING ME 'OH, ITLL PASS, YOUR JUST A LITTLE BIT SAD' THATS FUCKED ME UP. 27 SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. SUCK ON THAT. Im a coward. but one fucking day ill suceed and i will be so fucking glad. and I really fucking hope the guilt KILLS THE FUCKING LOT OF YOU. P.S. yes by the way the chat room pisses me off, I think you should automatically go into triggering subjects and if you wanna talk about nonsense that wont trigger you then CHOOSE to go into a chit chat room. Cos atm you just walk in to people tlaking rubbish and the new people to the site still ask for help in there. Meanwhile I sit in triggering subjects on my fucking own just because I have the courtesy to follow the fucking etiquette. and yes I am still pissy that im not a chat monitor when it was my fucking idea. just btw.