Dysfunctional Loser

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by seed11, Mar 13, 2014.

  1. seed11

    seed11 Member

    I am feeling pretty fucking suicidal right now, I think it is loneliness, but I'll give a comprehensive list of every single reason I want to give up. Firstly, I am a social retard, it seems like every time I speak to people I embarrass myself and I never fucking learn. This stems from me not having a social life growing up, because I was badly bullied at school (which actually made me cut and feel suicidal) and I would stay at home on my own instead of developing social skills like normal kids. That part of your brain which makes witty, normal, naturally flowing conversation doesn't exist in me because I have literally never used it, so I can't talk to people very well. This means, naturally, I have no friends whatsoever, and have never had a girlfriend or had sex or whatever. Also, all the people my age have gone off to university while I'm still doing a levels, because I fucked up my first two years. I just sit at home, looking at other people talking to each other on facebook, torturing myself over pictures of them at parties, with friends etc. I don't really give a fuck if people think I have nothing to feel suicidal about, this has been my whole life. I just feel pathetic, and am socially fucked so even if my life does get better I wont know how to make any friends. Death seems like my only potential friend right about now. My life sure isn't going anywhere.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have no way of knowing what the future will bring to you and many people start university at a later age chosing to take a few years off before studying again. You need to just focus on you and improving those social skills Join something you enjoy art music sports and eventually your skills will improve don't give up so easily ok yOu have your whole life ahead of you
  3. fleurxx

    fleurxx New Member

    Sorry you feel that way! Sending hugs in your direction... I feel like a hypocrite because I'm having suicidal thoughts as well, but I had a similar experience growing up and am "socially retarded" as well. It is HARD. It SUCKS to not learn those skills at a young age, and to see yourself flailing around like an idiot in conversation while others do it naturally. People judge you because they don't understand.

    If it makes you feel better, I used to be completely 100% unbelievably awkward, to the point that some people literally thought I was retarded. Now, I have a normal job, a long-time boyfriend, and coworkers who are willing to have conversations with me. It's possible to grow and change... but you'll probably have to put yourself in a lot of awkward situations to learn to be normal. I'd venture to say that I come off as a pretty ordinary person now... and you can, too!

    As for the suicidal thoughts, it sounds like you're stewing over your worst feelings while reading about other people's great lives on facebook. Keep in mind, everyone who uses facebook is exaggerating how great their life is. Find something that makes you happy and do it often. Do you have hobbies? Immerse yourself in them. I bet you are talented at something, and can trade facebook for a more enjoyable hobby.

    If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. :)
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I can safely say that you are not a dysfunctional loser. The social communication barrier seems to be a tricky one for many to overcome (if you have a read on here - there are a number of members who struggle with social anxiety - some more than others).

    From your description - I can relate to 95% of it. Not having had a gf or sex by the time I turned 18, flunking a-levels and restarting them spending extra year to those who did go (not quite 2 but nevertheless similar in the aspect of having to restart them) - and being bullied at school. (Not to the extent i'd call it badly bullied though). Struggling in a number of social environments that even though I put myself out there to enjoy a hobby - I'd talk to people, but I'd go alone, return home alone. Then I'd hear of their "beach days out" or "concerts/trips to other towns/cities" - and I'd be thinking "I talk to these people, but they never invite me anywhere - is there something wrong with me?"

    Now - just 11 years on (or 10 years from the time I left college @19) - I have similar in as much as the way of actual friends (although I can say I could count them on just one hand... ) - am a parent but not involved in my kid's life (and he's already 9... ) - have a partner - and work in a sociable customer facing role in a bingo hall.

    So if we look at you being 18-20 - and just within 10 years of that you're at my age of 29 - there is time for things to change. Have you ever considered counselling? It may prove to be useful for you - to talk out your frustrations and look at more life-surviving thought patterns and how to possibly tweak where things are going slightly amiss.

    One other thing.. You say you torture yourself over others having pics of parties and such on facebook - What I find about that site is that it mirrors reality in too many ways. But it is also a useful tool to find things that you may be interested in - hobbies can give you something else to do. (mine is music - I sit at home strum my guitar/tinkle the ivories of my keyboard - but it's something I enjoy).

    What I'm really saying in a nutshell - is I understand where you're at. I see so many similarities to myself at that age. And I'm another one like fleurxx - here if you wanna talk.

    N.B. - you could always try using the chatroom facility here - but have a read of the FAQ for Chat first - to have an idea of what your boundaries are within reference to this being a pro-life site.
  5. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was you. I was (almost) literally you, for most of my life.

    You are not beyond hope, you are not beyond redemption.

    And that is an accurate description of what I do today, except for the socially part.

    I hope you will read this with an open mind, but here goes; I was just like you when I was a teen, I had no social ability whatsoever and I had minimal experience with girls. I was deceived by girls in general into believing that I needed to be nice, respectful and honest to develop some type of relationship with any female whatsoever, but nothing could be further from the truth, it seems to me that you have not been exposed to enough women or people in general, women do not want you to be nice or friendly, there is no "right thing to say", confidence can make the worst thing to say good, as long as you deliver it with a great deal of charisma. Now, you do not have the experience to know or understand this and this is at the core of your depression.

    My advice to you is as follows;
    • Find people to socialize with, especially women.
    • You will suffer, and fail miserably, a lot, I am not going to sugar coat this, you are going to be laughed at, ridiculed and made to feel like garbage.... at first.
    • Each failure will improve your skills until you are where you want to be, think of it like a video game, you start off weak and get stronger over time.
    • Set-up goals for yourself, for example try to talk to 10 women in one weekend, 10 random women, about literally anything... at first most will respond poorly, but at least one will respond better than the rest, figure out what you did differently with that one and then try that technique more often next time
    • After some time with this, go for 20 women in one weekend, talk about anything, go to a park, a club, a bar, a party, a concert, anything. There are women everywhere.
    • Synthesize through trial and error the relevant techniques that work for you and then shift your goal from "talking" to "getting their number", it doesn't matter if you're 15, 25 or 35, socializing, especially with women, is a numbers game and not just phone numbers, the more women you talk to, the better you get and the better you get, the more phone numbers you will acquire.
    • Above all else, remember that you must roll with the punches, you must remember that it will be a long, grueling process, but you absolutely will get better at it, believe in yourself, pretend you are highly confident and social if necessary, fake it until you truly have the confidence

    You are not hopeless, I was just like you, actually I was much worse... I attempted suicide many times but failed, I was surprised at how resilient the human body actually is.
    What you desire is within your reach but you must fight for it like you truly want it. You can do this, believe in yourself and put forth an effort, it will pay off, just stick with it, I promise you , you are not alone. Stay positive!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
  6. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Hey there! I am sorry that you have to feel that way. Well, if I'm sorry for you then I must be sorry for myself too. See? You are not alone. Everyone here who sent their replies knows exactly how you feel. And it's nothing close to dysfunctional. Probably it could be considered normal. Have you ever thought that maybe there were just people who were born this way? A loser, at first. But as we grow older, we come to realize it all doesn't fucking matter. Why do we even have to compare ourselves to others? Why do we have to involve ourselves to them? They say we should come out of our comfort zone in order to get a taste of life. But if it's giving more pain than we could imagine, maybe crawling out of the comfort zone is not as worth it. I say, just be who you are. Go out once in a while. It doesn't hurt to strike a little conversation with somebody you come across with at the park, or malls, or whereever. Just know that nothing will ever be your loss if you just stick to your own principles. Good luck, man. We're here for you. :)