I honestly don't know why I just don't end it. Actually, that's a lie. There are reasons, but they are tied to guilt and fear, both things are something that should never bind a person. I can't remember with any clarity the last time I was truly happy. I've been in a constant state of dysphoria for several years. I've screwed up, the past haunts me. I know there are many different reasons for suicide, and I've read alot of them on these boards. But, while just as legitimate, they are quite different then my own. I can't say I've had a true friend, or have had any deep "connection" with someone. It's been by my own choosing, strangely enough. Now...I regret those actions. I think as we age, the memories of our youth keep us alive and sane. I never had my "youth" and am watching what remains of that prospect slide into oblivion. I am full of self-loathing, for reasons I don't want to get into. I've experienced a quiet insanity, while not hurting anyone, thoughts are enough to condemn a person. I think being social is severly underestimated in society to keep a person mentally healthy. I feel like I need to kill myself, I don't want to become a monster. Over the years, there's been a lot of introspection on my part. And I can honestly say I'd rather be a completely different person mentally. I have a burning hatred for myself. My body is dying I think, and is in pain constantly in one form or another. There really is no reason for me to carry on. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine myself dead, it feels so peaceful. But, what scares me the most is that I've never felt truly alive. Sadly, I don't think I'll get another chance at life. I'd really like to believe in reincarnation, but that's too "comfy" for me to swallow. I'll think of all the people that die unjustly or get injured permanently. It's unfair, obviously, but it also spells out loud and clear that there won't always be a happy ending for everyone. At the end of the day, I can't believe in God, at least not a benevolent one. I think that's what I find the most depressing. Feel free to ignore this, just a crazy rant.