Each day gets worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brokenness, Apr 15, 2013.

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  1. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    I am 42 yr old f. I have been very depressed for about two months. But this week it's worse, I have attempted twice just this week. First time, I spit out the pills before swallowing. Second time, idk but I woke up and was groggy and numb all day. It would be so much easier if a meteor would land on my head. I have talked to online friends only about this. They have helped me a bit but I think after three weeks of me bitching, they gave up and I drove them away. I want to get help, I'm just extremely scared of talking to husband or doctor or whoever. I get all resolved to do something like see doctor and plan it, but I back out last minute and get panic attacks. I cannot sleep, eating makes me feel like gagging, nothing makes me feel better. Things I like .. Just don't give me any pleasure. A project I was working on since last september, finally got finished and was really great, like lots of friends there and all. I should have been happy. But I am just not. There is no joy, it's gone. I feel so disconnected from everyone. It's becoming harder and harder to keep how I feel under wraps, I'm very uncomfortable talking to ppl I should about this. I have to say also I have social anxiety and stuff. Can't stand to be touched except by ppl I know well. Going out in public is pure hell for me. I can't stand the telephone, it's like a phobia and my heart pounds when it rings. The saddest part is, I suffer all this and can't get help or talk about it.. So like no one even knows how hard I struggle. I don't know what to do. I take medications for several problems I have, physical stuff, not mental, and I know for sure there is enough around to kill about ten elephants. It scares me... Like I got headache other day so went for an aspirin and impulsively dumped entire bottle in my mouth, I spit them out. And just before this I thought I was really getting better, I even told online friend I felt better... And I meant it..but idk I think I was just trying too hard to believe it when it's not true. I cannot see a way to MAKE myself see a doctor or tell my husband. What's wrong with me???? *cries*
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are DEPRESSED h un and it is veryhard to reach out but you just have to ok. With help you can pull yourself out of this darkness. Just do it hun call crisis line go in tell your doc how desperate you are Get on meds get treatment get stronger hun ok Do that for YOU First step is just pick up phone and call. hugs
     
  3. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    It's too hard, I can't and I hate my gp... And it's hard to change family doc here. Husband has day off, I'm hiding in room to avoid him, also if I go out to doc he will ask where I am going. I'm tired only slept two hrs. Might just sleep.
     
  4. Mercedez

    Mercedez Banned Member

    I know how hard this is but you my friend are NOT ALONE im only 23 and dont know much but i do know this you will be loved cared for and safe here at sf ok <3 * hugs *
     
  5. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    Ty gonna try to sleep if I can, not much luck at it lately hugs
     
  6. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Just to let you know you're not alone alone in this depression. i totally empathise with how you are feeling right now,
    i think the best option would be firstly to tell your husband how are you feeling and that you've tried and spat out pills and then tell your gp
     
  7. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    I really don't want first talk with doctor til slash marks heal. Just not gonna start explaining things at that lvl.
     
  8. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    Gonna sleep, I promise I will be back... It's night time that is my bad time. Ty for listening, feels like first time ppl understand.
     
  9. Mercedez

    Mercedez Banned Member

    im so sorry hunn
     
  10. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    I actually went to doc... Omg. It was not easy. I couldn't tell him everything but I was able to get ativan and cipralex. I have never had either of these. I hope this works. I was told it could take weeks to work. Doctor wants me to come back in two weeks. I have more to say but I need a bit, to calm down.
     
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