Like many others on this forum I struggle with self-esteem, self-image, the whole lot. Yet, I never pin that to my feelings of killing myself. They come randomly sometimes in the day or when I have depressed bouts. Sometimes when I read or am learning about something on this planet or in this universe or, just think about how vast everything is, I cut myself off in thought with "I want to kill myself." When I think about how amazing every little detail we humans have and how perfect it is I want to die. I was hiking last year and when I got to the peak it was so beautiful, every little blade of grass and the thick white clouds with the golden sun's light tracing over their edges and falling over through the cloud's curves and cracks to make the sky look so heavenly. I was shocked that after my brain did that great tangent about how wonderful it looks was that the next immediate thought was to just jump off the edge. These thoughts are so casual sometimes that everyone has suicidal thoughts. I realize I have depression and I'm not fond of that and I just think every gets sad. I think this earth is so cool. How right now I'm on here with the chance of having at least one other person read this across the globe while I continue through the week and grow and age. How these something or someone made these blinds in front of me. What used to be on this Earth years before us. Suicide seems so romantic to me. And I think this and then think how pitiful and pathetic that thought is. I should live, I've worked hard and I know my future might have nice avenues. But I won't get to see all the places on my planet because i'm doubtful I'll come into a large sum of money. This is hard to type because I'm fearful of being scrutinized but I've had to stop therapy and I'm concerned for my well being, sometimes. whatever. maybe it's just an anxiety thing. I just want someone to relate to this.