Eat or dont eat...that is the question.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Perishable, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I've been bulimic, I've been anorexic, I've been an over eater and one who over indulges. My body is so fucked up. But, my mind is even more so fucked up that I have contrasting thoughts. I cant...uh!
    Okay. I want soo badly to be healthy. It is all. Nice and toned.

    Being bulimic messes up your throat. Giving you a lot of phlem.
    Being Anorexic eats up muscle and and destroys your moods.
    Once you decide you dont want to be either and try to eat like a normal human being...You pack on pounds like a bitch striving for a heart attack.

    I want it sooo bad sometimes to go back to my ribs sticking out of my skin.
    But my mind was more fucked up then. It was an obsession of skinnyness.
    Obsessions are the least bit of healthy. Does no good. Drove me to insanity.
    made me sick.
    My mother triggered me into doing so at first. Keeping me indoors. In my room. Sheltered, no exercise. I gained weight. She had control. So I went anorexic. I'll admit I felt beautiful. But through time it changed.

    But now. Since I have gone back to normal eating. And all... Im 165 pounds.
    Dont get me wrong, I love exercise. BUT MY MOTHER WONT LET ME OUTSIDE.
    ITS BEEN MONTHS!!!!!!!! I feel like an animal. A fat fucking animal.
    its just a couple more months until im 18.

    I want to go back to that. But maybe writting this will change my mind.
    I havent eaten today. I should eat right? Im soo bipolar. One hour I think food is okay. The next hour I dont, then I throw up, the next hour I think that Im stupid and eat again, the next hour I throw it all up...then the next day I eat nothing. Then the next week I eat everything.

    I've been trying to eat normal. NORMAL! AVERAGE....
    oh man. shit. I feel like crap. ...:sad:
  2. powder_girl

    powder_girl Active Member

    hey i read it but why can't you go outside? like can u tell a little about when you started ana or mia and why ur not allowed otuside?

    are you ok in there? anyone can visit you or can you bring friends over? do you go to school or something????

    anyhow...hope you're being safe about things...dont purge no more it's the worst of worses IMO....

    I'm not really skinny but i struggle too...i dont eat for days then when i do its bc i get something triggered in me then i plow ahead like a rhino and just eat the whole fridge out and then i starve for days on end with just water and tiny broken up pieces of gum...

    what i'd do is do sit ups inside, and jumping jacks, and start learning some dance routines from youtubeor something, learn something fun!!

    no is ok, just put the junk aside eat good cooked food that's delicious but halthy
  3. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    Arent there laws against keeping your child locked in the house?
  4. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    well, my mother doesnt trust me.
    A while ago, I ran away and she has a grudge against me for it.
    I mean, I can withstand a lot of torment and etc... but we had a huge fight the day before I took off and she told me she didnt want anything to do with me. It was a long fight, about 6 hours long, so I just kind of summed it up. So I cant go outdoors and Im always in my room. I go on the internet at school. I can only go on for about 5-10 minutes at home. Sometimes she lets me on for more. W/e.

  5. powder_girl

    powder_girl Active Member

    i think you need a lot of breathing space, and lots of dialogue with your mom to get some of the nitty gritty bits of your relationship out and in plain view so you can figure out what the heck is going on...

    your story reminds me of mine...its messed up and not even a second of it is worth pity or anything. you have to be strong and change the way you think- be mentally strong and never let your mom bring you down...

    anyhow...i ran away too, and fought a lot with my family...they never realized it but I can't get over it even now so that's why I'm not even close to them anymore and I'm doing my own thing now..practically. I wish I could help you - the best teaching tools for me were people and books...just reading books about life and other people's experiences helps. I also think you should give your mom just one benefit; she does worry about you that's probably why you're being grounded.
  6. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Its not grounded. Its an anti-trust.
    I'm not a normal stupid teenager where its all predictable.
    "My parents have rules, I disobey them, they hate me, I want to die"

    You see, how my parents mistreat me is no fault of my own.
    They do not care about me. They have mentioned and proved this on several occasions. The reason I have come to that would identify the purpose of even keeping me around would be so they would not be embarresed to tell their parents that they failed as parents themselves. Making them look like fuck ups.

    Its been so long. I love riding my bike, I love taking walks, I love being outside, I love being with my friends and having the means to communicate with them. I'm restricted from all these things and trapped in my room.

    This makes me soooo unstable.

    I have promised many that I would not cut myself anymore.
    So that kind of eliminates a relief that I had.

    Recently. I have taken certain things that induce vomit.
    (But I will not say what, to avoid tranferring the information for you guys to use.)
    Not eat and etc...
    I have not lost any weight. But I dont know. I can't seem to grasp a stable point where I can normally eat. Im off balance. :dry:
  7. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    I know it might be hard to approach with your parents, but if you really want to get outside and just into the fresh air then how about involving them? It may well make them trust you more as well, how about going on a bike ride together (that way you don't even have to talk much if things aren't great)? You never could be killing 2 birds with one stone. Good luck,

  8. Light_In_The_Dark

    Light_In_The_Dark Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2007
  9. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Hard? That would be one of the most difficult tasks in the book of my novels that lists things that are "Impossible" in my life.
    (I dont mean for that to sound snobbish in any manner)

    I do believe this with a passion. I do not care for looks.
    I do not care for society's bible of the way the human body should be structured.

    But there is something I must prove to myself. for some reason?
    It not others that I think our revolting, I think people are beautiful.
    (Humans are disgusting....but...)
    The people on earth you find capable to truly ascociate with are wonderous.

    I just need a self-esteem boost?

    ....You're a rare guy. Smart to think like you do.
    Judging on looks usually won't get you far.
  10. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    wow sounds like you do not have it easy and that your parents are very strict and i know how that, is sometimes doing more harm then good. But you will be old enough soon that you can leave home, if you want to.... and start making your own decision and leave the house... when ever you want... right.
  11. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I consider this to be a most prioritized option.
    But, I do not know how far of a distance I cqan travel without them knowing where I am. its a complicated issue. Perhaps I can figure something out in the long run, but at the moment, nothing seems to elebratly come to mind.
  12. Light_In_The_Dark

    Light_In_The_Dark Well-Known Member

    Thx for all of your compliments. I also think I'm a indeed a rare guy (Im not being egoistic). I mean it in that way that most of the people dont understand me, like this issue with beauty. And second thing I wanted to tell you, I was skinny until now and now I decided to get a bit fat. Just go and eat. You dont need to worry. And you can also calculate your body mass index (BMI) to determine your perfect weight for your height!

  13. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    You're welcome.
    I've come across those onlines tool before. The only problem with those is that they are extremely assumptious... They do not take account your fat and muscle percentage. So they are not entirely accurate. But they are helpful in the term of coming close to it.
  14. adjuster

    adjuster Active Member

    I too am mia. It all started for me truely about a year ago when I was having problems that I just could not deal with anymore and I tried to end it all. Then I went into this terrible spin that has put me where I am today. No one other than those on this forum knows that I am mia. Not even my best husband. He knows that I purge, but not really other than once or twice. He has no idea that I do it 3-5 times a day on average. My eating habits were really good but lately I have been craving all the bad things...sugar, tacos, burgers. All the crap that I should not be eating. I buy candy, eat a bite and throw the rest in the trash. I open a box of cookies and eat the whole thing, then get rid of it in the bathroom.
    I don't want to be here anymore. I am tired of therapy. They don't even see the problems. I have lost 85 pounds since that one day. Everyone notices and says I look great but the weird thing is that it just makes me feel fatter.
  15. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Oh god! I fucking puke so fucking much!

    I feel the exact same way on this logic. Mainly due to the fact that the only way some one appreciates things are when they notice a dramatic change.
    I'm not an attention seeker, but the first things people see when they look at you is your body, not your personality...And that bugs me so much.
  16. FR34K5H0W

    FR34K5H0W Member

    Holy crap.
    My story is almost identical to yours.
    I can't even beleive it.
    Anerexic, bulimic, not eating, overeating, wanting to just be NORMAL.
    Body always on my mind. Never good enough.
    Just wanting to be healthy, but it's impossible.
    Seriously, I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible, absolutly horrible.
    Keep your head high and I hope for the best for you.
  17. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Really. How are you doing now?
  18. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    i eat less but still i gain weight and body is swollen. is this swelling because of depression ? i can actually feel the depression and stress physically. also, i tend to sleep a lot when im depressed(well almost every day ).
  19. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, I hate feeling my body making me fatter because i'm depressed. It's an odd feeling of full and ugly distraught.
  20. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    yes..and the stress really makes my body swell and i can see it. i have so many things to be happy about but the sadness really overwhelms everything and it makes me feel sick. all i want is some peace of mind,
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