I think of suicide what feels like every minute of every day, it’s all I think about, while I am at work, when I am home and everywhere in between. I have suffered an eating disorder for as long as I can remember, I am now 37 years of age and I am fed up with it, I just want to go away and stop the anxiety that I suffer all the time. The eating disorder is strange, it’s more of a food phobia, I eat an extremely small amount of food, this being plain bread, white only, bananas, apples, pears and grapes, that is it. I have tried to talk about to professionals, but the anxiety that it causes is overwhelming which means I cannot talk about it in full. I was happy and I was married, I was with the same person for 12 years and married for three of those years. I told my ex-wife in the first week of meeting her about me, something I found very hard, but even at that early stage I knew she was special to me so I wanted to be open with her. She always said to me “I love you for who you are” and “nobody cares about it but you”. I started believing this until out of the blue she left me citing my eating disorder as the reason why as that it put too much distance between us and that we can’t do “normal” couple things. Not being able to do “normal” couple things was something I always felt guilty for and apologised regularly for being such a freak, but she still always said that “nobody cares but me”. The eating disorder makes me feel alone, I can’t socialise with family and friends in normal ways, and there is no hope of meeting another woman as how the hell do I date someone when I can’t do normal things, I can never build a relationship. While I have thought about suicide on off for most of my adult life, the last 15 months since my wife left me has made me think about it all the time. I find myself calling a suicide support line regularly, I am not sure what I hope to achieve from this, but it distracts me and has kept me alive on some really dark nights. I don’t sleep anymore, I average anywhere from zero to three hours a night and sometimes can go over 72 hours with a wink of sleep. My work has suffered as a result, I cannot concentrate anymore and take regular sick days when I just can’t seem to move in the mornings. My best friend invited me on a holiday to Hawaii to get me into a different environment and try and relax and hopefully get out of my state for a bit. When I was having a good day I ended up booking the flights and ever since I wondering why I did. Travelling to new places always increases my anxiety, I can’t eat almost all of the food as I am used to certain bread and fruit and others just make me feel sick. I worried when I got to Hawaii, I am currently here now writing this, that I would use it as an opportunity to end my life where there is no chance a family member finding me. I stand on <mod edit - methods> I have it all organised at home, I know how and where, I have my notes written for the people important to me. I know my marriage break up was the thing that put me over the edge. When it ended I asked my wife for us to talk to someone, while I knew it was over I needed some form of closure and understanding of what had changed, she refused. I contacted her recently via a message and told her how much of a dark place I am in and how I am so fucking scared and if I could talk as she knows me better than anyone, I have not heard back from her, even when I bumped into her she didn’t mention that message. I know ending my life will affect a large number of people, I used to care and that’s what got me through, now I don’t, I just can’t deal with the anxiety and the loneliness it brings any longer. I know that when I get home the first thing I will do will to take my life.