Eating Disorder/Suicidality

Is there anyone else whose primary reason to become very thin is not feelings of wanting to be beautiful, but wanting to punish yourself? OR in the long run to make yourself sick? Not being able to feed yourself... I don't know... just feelings of anger

The thing I do is go all day, 7 am to 7 pm without food. No food at all. It makes me dizzy and blurry-eyed all the time. I have to walk around a lot and be clear-headed during the day. I manage.

When I get back home in the evenings I eat crackers and fruit and water, just so I'll be able to sleep.
I feel that since I've become single and isolated it's a punishment to myself. I don't get hungry so much anymore. Eating isn't a social thing anymore. I don't care enough about myself and the thought of eating when I don't want to makes me sick by itself

I wish I would have some kind of diabetic shut down from it that just came on suddenly and took me away. This will probably not happen.

 

My ED was a part of myself feeling so worthless that I did not deserve food, and anything that kept me alive was wasted...so it would be days where I ate little to nothing, until I could not stand the intestinal pain, and then drank a lot of water and ate bread, knowing it would stop the pain...as I gain a greater sense of self worth, and found a voice, I have been less affected by this...however, under extreme stress, I have to ask myself if I have eaten, because that is one sign that I am getting back into that pattern

 

That sounds like me. Thanks for responding. It's weird because I don't fixate on food, I just don't eat. I'll get to the point in the middle of the day and for the first time remember that I should eat, but I can't.... procuring it does seem wasteful if I don't want it. I almost enjoy the sick feeling, and nobody knows about this...

Eating is an afterthought to stop the stomach discomfort, exactly... damn it.

 

I usually don't eat because I'm scared of someone thinking I'm too fat, or don't know; in general, I can't eat around people, I feel like I don't deserve to eat, because I am a bad person.

When I do eat, its when no one is around, and then I run myself to the bathroom. I just can't stand my stomach bloated even if its water or coffee.

Needless to say, I am afraid of eating like a normal person (3 meals a day).

Stay safe, the both of you!!

 

If just for punishing yourself you are not eating food,then it's indeed something wrong that you guys are doing..If you want to punish yourself there are many other ways to do so.But not eating food is not good.It can badly affect your health.And one more thing by not eating you are indirectly giving punishment to your family members.

 

alvenswiz, I like to hope you're trying to help, but I feel everything you said is counterproductive. I don't assume to know anything about the stuff others go through - while similar, I think it's a product of our experiences - the majority realize it does hurt our loved ones, but don't know how to fix our responses to help ourselves, and thereby the ones we love. That is one of the frustrations.

 

I have a goal weight and I am not 'allowed' to kill myself unless I am down to that weight. It is a very low weight and I have always considered it to be a demonstration of my commitment to not living in the world anymore.
A few years ago, I got very close to that weight, and I remember just not caring about anything at the time.
I don't know, I don't think I really fit the classic symptoms of anorexia. I didn't really care whether I was fat or not, I just liked watching my body deteriorate. Very hateful toward myself and morbidly fascinated with all of the unpleasant symptoms of starvation. I remember giggling when my feet started turning purple...some kind of sadistic pleasure in watching myself suffer.

 

I get what you're saying, metamorphosis17. I'll knock around instead of being careful because I like to look at the bruises.. I bruise so easily. I'll even take pictures of them once in awhile. That sounds worse than it is, though.

What is this dissociation, a hatred of self like I'm looking at someone else and doing things not unlike torture to my body. It's become clear just recently that these behaviors are really self destructive, even if i'm not thinking all the time about suicide, or trying actively to lose weight, or cutting myself... it's self neglect and I don't know how to change, I don't want to, it's sickening.

 

I understand...a lot of my self-harm and ED has to do with punishing myself for not being "good enough" for anything

 

I definitely punish myself by not eating sometimes, but generally it will be punishing myself FOR eating by fasting. If anything it's the opposite for me... my eating disorder makes me want to just give up and die already, so sometimes i wish it would just kill me and get it over with. i feel like it's going to in the long run no matter what. (sorry). I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about it more. Stay strong. :hug:

 

Yea I feel like I don't deserve food. I need to punish myself so I don't eat.

 

I find it hard to eat when I'm feeling suicidal... However, I eat because I'm typically hungry and need the food. I think it's because I don't deserve to eat but than again it's because of all my self anger and hate.

 

Most definitely I punish myself with food. I am not allowed to keep it, if i eat it I have to get rid of it. Not deserving, equated with love. I go through cycles of starving myself to binge and purging. It takes a toll on me because I am full of shame because of it. I avoid social situations if it involves food. Everything involves food. Sometimes I think my ED is the only thing that is keeping me alive because I am so focused food instead of the intense depression and despair I feel. But I know it is just a facade. ED are about control, if my life is out of control then I can control this but that too is bullshit. Sometimes I think I am trying to disappear by getting thinner and thinner or is it trying to get someone to see me. Complicated. I feel your pain, I live it everyday.