Hi everyone, just signed up today but I have this question that I've been meaning to ask someone for about a year now. Somehow I have gotten myself into this endless cycle of bingeing and starving. I feel so fat and all I want to do is lose a little weight, but the more I want to lose weight, the more stressed out I get, the more I binge. I've just broken another four day fast today with two cupcakes, two 160 cal chocolate chip cookies, cereal, four pieces of peanut buttered bread, grapes, and carrots. I'm so gluttonous and selfish. I only purged about a cupcake's worth and I'm already gaining a ton of weight. I can't explain all of this to my counseler because my parents can't afford her anymore. I can't go to another counseler because this one's the only one I talk to. I've had social anxiety disorder my entire life and I can only have face to face conversations with about two other people besides my family. Every time I break a fast, I become a bit suicidal and my first urge is to control that feeling with cutting. The problem is that my parents check my skin about once a week. I never know what to say to them once they find more cuts. Instead of cutting I sometimes just cry. When my dad hears me, he'll come in and hold me but he never understands whats wrong. If I tell them about my problems they won't understand at all. They'll just think I'm anorexic because they were afraid of me being anorexic since I can remember. If what I have is even classified as an ED, I wouldn't know which one it would be. My birthday's in five days and there's going to be :cake::cake::cake:, icecream, and a table of family expecting me to eat it. I don't know whether I'm going to binge, starve, or purge; but I do know that it just won't be possible for me to eat like a normal human being. Any suggestions? I hope I didn't bore u to death with my problems. This site is pretty niffty by the way!