<edit mod total eclipse countdown> days...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marjoke, Oct 15, 2012.

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  1. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    that what is left to arrange everything...
    that what is left to say goodbye...
    <edit mod total eclipse countdown> days and it will all be over...finally...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  2. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Re: days...

    it proves to me that the people actually don't care about me and it doesn't matter if I live or die...

    the people who really know me, they know that actually my life has stopped the day Cedric has died...people will understand...people will hopefullly be happy for me...it will be a relief that I am back, reünated with my big love...
    my sister will understand...I'm sure of it...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  3. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    Re: days...

    its early morning where i am

    people in the back ground care

    you do not know me but we share a friend. i am worried about you since you could not reach my friend on your return.

    i can not reach him either...

    he is on a time out and doesnt know your postion here and what you have been writing

    but i know it and i can see it

    i wish things would get better and this wasnt so possible for you

    please try to stay safe besides how you feel about others... others are outside of you and you cant know what they are thinking

    suzy
    ask around i dont post i get to scared to post.... only try to do it when it feels important
     
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  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: days...

    It proves that many people have a hard time finding the words to express themselves and choose to not reply out of fear of saying the wrong thing to somebody in a delicate situation. I share that hesitation but would like to ask - do your religious beliefs support the idea of being reunited and the idea of suicide being a way to achieve that as well? And it may be best to simply ask your sister if she will understand as opposed to make assumptions on her part.

    I am so sorry for the difficulties you have endured Marjo and for the pain you feel now and wish I had a simple answer as to when things might get better for you or how to achieve that. The fact is, were it that simple then none of us would be here. We are however all here and here to support you as well as get support for ourselves.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  5. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: days...

    we love you here. you must stay with us. we are a big family.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  6. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Re: days...


    I respect it people won't reply or find it too difficult to reply on my thread...but it hurts to see lots of people don't seem to care (even that is quiet understandable, who would care about me anyway...I don't even care about myself...)

    To answer your question...I have no longer a religious believe...there can't be a creature named god that can be so cruel...but I hope...there is another dimention above us where I will be reünated with Cedric...if there is not...It will be a relief that I must live no longer in pain...I don't want to live this useless and pointless life anymore...there is no reason to stay here...I have no more purpose...

    My sister knows me...she knows the pain I am in...she has done all she could do for me and I am very gratefull to her...she knows I have had several attempts before...she knows I actually have died the day Cedric has died...I think she will be 'happy' for me knowing I might be happy again...I have talked with her several times about life after my other attempts and she said she could understand why I should do it...she has seen how Cedric's death has changed me...she knows I can't find joy in living anymore...it hurts her too to see me in pain...so yes...she will understand it...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Re: days...

    With the original post time having been 03:50 AM, I would venture to guess a majority of people were sleeping and are just starting to find this post now. This at least accounting for the U.S. time zone.

    I am sorry you are in pain. One thing you might do in your process of considerations is to think about what you would have wanted Cedric to do if the shoe were on the other foot. If you had been the one to be gone, would you want him to end his life as well? I can speak to these considerations because I know how you feel; I lost my son. My son was 18 when he took his own life and he was my everything. He was not just a part of me through the process of birth, but he was my best friend as well. Your thoughts and feelings in your situation is not unusual, and is a very natural reaction. I died when my son did as well... my heart is broken and my everything inside feels empty. Now your situation and my situation are different only in that everybody has their own direction to go, but the direction I choose was to keep the memory of my son alive by going forward and by celebrating his life every second of every day. He will not be forgotten... I am seeing to that. If you ask the question, "How does someone go on to live forever?," I can tell you that is by their memory and their thought and the love that we maintain for them within our hearts and souls. Perhaps if you find a cause that Cedric was fond of, or if you work to prevent others from meeting the fate he fell to, you might be able to channel your feelings back into something that has meaning, and so too keep him alive in the hearts and minds of others.

    Just my opinion... and just what has worked for me. I hope you choose a path that is right for you, but I hope too that you at least give all options (including the above) some consideration.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  8. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Re: days...

    My first thought was 'how?' but I suspect I'm not supposed to ask that. Maybe that's why not everyone replies to it. They can't get past that question.

    I hope things improve for you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  9. saiyukicloud

    saiyukicloud Member

    Re: days...

    I'm sorry to hear of your pain and the lifeless feeling. I know that saying everything will be alrght probably won't help much. But if you can just find someone to talk to about your troubles, i feel that it would help you knowing that there is someone talking to you and supporting you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  10. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Re: days...

    pickwithaustin: I'm sure Cedric would want me to be happy but I can not be happy without him...I have tried this for almost 5 years now and it doesn't work for me... I do honor the memories of Cedric and keep telling about him but people don't want to hear this over and over again...they think or say I should let it go and I have to move on...I CAN'T...I just can't...call me weak...call me anything...I just can't... Cedric still lives in me...in my heart...in my soul...in my whole being...but not anymore to the people who weren't so close to him...who were not that involved...(the normal way of going of course...)


    Wispiwill: I know excactly 'how'...and 'when'... and where'... but it is not allowed to tell such things here and I wouldn't tell it either...I am sure this will be the right time...I will succeed...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  11. Aria11

    Aria11 Member

    Re: days...

    Marjoke, it seems you have made up your mind and I have mixed feelings right now, I feel obligated to at least make you consider other options yet I find it hard to find the right words to say, how can I convince you that you should not end your life when I dont know you and when you are so convinced to end it yourself.. You said that you might be reunited with Cedric, but you have to also consider the option that you might not.. no one knows.. You also said that suicide will end your pain? How do you know that? Has anyone committed suicide and came back to confirm that it is eternal peace? What if it is not? What if you leave your body but your soul is forever in pain for some reason I dont know but there is no way to tell.. What you hope to accomplish by ending your life is uncertain. The only certain thing is you are alive now. What would be the logical thing to do? end your life and maybe get what you want with a pretty high probability (let's say 50 50) that you won't? or continue living a life that you do have and most certainly will for a long period of time? I know.. I know it is not this simple because the life you are living is painful. But there are ways to work through this pain, have you seen grief counselors? have you sought help in any way? I just want you to exhaust all your options while you are alive before resorting to the last one that might not even give you what you want. We are here for you if you ever need help. Stay safe.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: days...

    Everyone grieves differently there is NO time span on grieving There is help though counceling therapy will help you move past the pain it will and help you remember Cedric and talk about Cedric and share his memories without so much sadness. You keep talking and if people do not understand then you find people who do ok Here we get grief we understand so you talk here ok but get therapy do that for YOU and for Cedric who deserve to be remembered hun keep his memory alive hugs
     
  13. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Re: days...

    I sincerely hope things improve for you marjoke :hug: Please keep talking here :hug: Everyone here understands pain and we can all support you through this :hug:
     
  14. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Re: days...

    I know nothing for sure...I also have lots of questions and doubts...I only can find out by going there...the life I am leading now is not worth to be lived well considered...

    I recently have been 14 weeks in the hospital to learn to live with the pain and how to handle it...Once back home everything did came back on me and my stay in hospital seems to have been useless...I have been seeking all the help I could get...once even that ends...
     
  15. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Re: days...

    Hospital stays, that does happen.. I believe they even tell you this in the program that when you get home it will be that way... did they refer you to anything outside of your hospital stay...? Is there an outpatient program?
     
  16. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Re: days...

    I still have appointments with my therapist but it is not working for me...I'm complete down and broken...they have possibly done all that they could but I am obviously just a hopeless case...
     
  17. scromlette

    scromlette Member

    Re: days...

    Just something to think about...

    You say that no one cares except your sister, and that the pain is to much to bear. You believe that she'll be okay with this, but... what if she's not? What if the act throws her in to the tides you currently swim in? And what if she decides to follow suit? Could your soul be happy then?

    I'm sorry you lost your love, but I don't believe that pain ever really goes away. You find ways to manage it, and ways to move through it, but when you love someone so deeply, I don't think your ever supposed to not feel it.

    Keep your head above; you have people who don't know you hear but we do care. And even some, the knowing you part can change.
     
  18. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Re: days...

    My sister has her husband, their children...she has a life filled with joy and happiness and luck and pleasure...I'm glad and very happy for her she has all that...but it makes me also realise all the things I shall always been missing...the things which I will never have because it has been all taken away from me...
    My sister...oh...I'm just a burden to her...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  19. yoyo

    yoyo Well-Known Member

    Re: days...

    Stay strong. I can't tell you that I know how it feels to lose the one you love, but I can tell you that there is always hope. You still possess the will to survive deep down in yourself, I know you do. Reach deep down and tap the fire inside. Even if you feel hopeless right now you must carry on, things can't stay bad forever and you can still find happiness. Keep living because there are others out there who care and suicide is never the right option. If you don't want to do it for yourself do it for me, and remember, there are people out there who want you to live. I hope you can move past this time in your life and find happiness. Best wishes - yoyo
     
  20. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Re: days...

    You life has not stopped since Cedric passed on, in fact, your life has continued forward and you have met quite a good many people who care for you and will forever stand beside you. Take a look at the post count of your inbox, at how many times I have spent with you and you find that you certainly have not stopped living nor that you ever will be alone again.
    Now go and take a look at your inbox and think about how many more messages from me you will receive in the coming days, weeks and months.
    Sometimes I do not feel like it, I am dedicated and reliable to those I call my friends.

    We might be half a World apart, but I am always right with you, my Belgium fruit muffin.

    :bubbles:
    dango dango^^
     
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