Eerily calm about dying/suiciding. (Whoa this became longer than I thought)

[Panopticon]

Really nice forum. Anyone putting time into reading this is just awesome, it got quite long.

It feels odd to finally type this post. I surely didn't think I'd type this a year ago. If at all to be honest. It's not easy because I don't really know what to post or start, it might contain some clichés but I know that it's alright.

Well, I guess I might go with the main reason behind killing myself. Broken heart. Although that's just a short we've heard it all type of sentence. We were together for 1 year, 7 months, 17 days (easy to remember since it's 1717), and we had known each other since late January 2006 (got together Sept 10th 2006, and ended April 27th 2008).

It was a nice relationship, although I was a bit immature and such now that I look back, and the funny thing is that I could surely "shape up", but anyways she said that it's definitely not the problem as she liked our childish fooling around and other silly things that I might've done or said.

Her reason for breaking up was mainly because she felt that we were friends or best friends and that the love wasn't really like love but more like best friends even though she loved me of course.

Anyway we saw each other and hung out playing videogames only two days after we had broken up, oddly enough I felt more in love with her than ever but I guess that's a normal effect even though I loved her before. We had a cute time together that day, she was quite playful but it kind of hit me afterwards that she might've been that because "that's what friends do" - I don't know.

We haven't seen each other since but today's her 20th birthday (I'm 23). I also want to just tell quickly about something that happened two days ago. A friend of mine was over at my place and told me that my ex had added him on this online community/blog/diary type of thing and I was just like okay and we looked at some of her pics and whatever just quickly for the heck of it, hadn't planned on bothering because it was a bit hard on me even though there hadn't been anything special.

Anyway we saw that she was kind of flirting with a guy that I know and I just broke down, (I'll put this moment shortly) and my friend hugged me and told me he had never seen me cry but it was alright. Then we went out to get some air, it was 11pm, and he wanted to go to some shop to get something to drink a coke or whatever.

10 seconds later my ex' best friend walks in, and I tell her about what I had just found out (I thought that my ex had got together with the guy she was 'flirting' with, it kind of looked more than flirting) and she was surprised, asked me how I had found out and I explained, and she didn't know what to say but we hugged and said see you later or something. Sorry about babbling about this but... Anyways my ex later contacted me that night on MSN and told me that she did NOT (in capital letters) had anything going on with that guy and that she wanted to hang out with me and my best friend this weekend and party. Aaaaanyway I just wanted to add that, even though this isn't some relationship forum where you hope to get replies that whoa she might still be interested in you. The odds of that are astronomical I guess, but who knows.

-ANYWAY-
This is basically it, 2 days before we broke up I bought a brand new full HD 40'' tv and a PlayStation 3 and now afterwards it's disgusting me how I used to say hey I never want to die or kill myself because I want to see how the future is and the technology and all that, but today or last weeks I've felt that hey it's alright I really don't mind dying (it's really hard getting a gun in my country though, Sweden) I'm not depressed or crying, nor am I angry, or happy/content, I'm simply very very calm and these suicidal thoughts keep popping into my head every every day.

I do sometimes tell some of my friends with a chuckle like god I have to kill myself, or hah man I might as well kill myself, even if it's not really a huge deal about the subject or issue (i.e. they might not have my favorite brand of <insert food or whatever here> and I'd throw in some of the above sentences or similar), one of them have been suicidal before due to relationships and he's really caring of me which was nice and a bit surprising, and my other friend kind of agrees because he's quite cynical but he's usually doesn't comment when I say stuff like that. I've also told my mom similar comments (including one or two, "I really feel all right about dying") over the phone and she's usually like "No, why? You have to take one day at a time. There's much more to life." etc. etc.

...Which reminds me of the other thing I should tell you, sure I'd love to discover and experience the rest of my life and whatnot, I could already be involved with someone, and I'm sure I'd find someone that'd feel like my clone and we'd have a great time but... I'm happy about that and it's nice, but I just got this very pleasant feeling of being a bit "emotionless" or however I should put it, I feel both happy and calm when the suicide thoughts enter my mind (which is quite a lot), it's not that I think okay this is when and how I'll do it, it's just that one second before you die that's like wow, finally, that usually gets into my head. Along with perhaps some aftermath and funeral but that's not too often.

 

[dazzle11215]

welcome.

you've probably heard this before, but they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. you have been through alot with this girl, but the break up is still very recent. it's no wonder your mood is so low.

sounds like you are giving hints to your friends with all the comments about suicide. what would happen if one of them took you seriously, like i do, and suggest you get some other help and supports in place? would you want to talk to someone about how you are feeling?

 

[Panopticon]

I'm not really into talking to someone about the problem, I've tried it before not about suicide that much but other stuff and it didn't really affect me that much. It's quite annoying that I feel this way though, or well, turned out this way.

 

[Panopticon]

Anyone else felt, that calm odd feeling? Like not really depressed or angry, but just calm about dying.

 

[dazzle11215]

sure, i've felt it. the relief i felt at finally deciding, and knowing that i didn't have to struggle anymore was great. once i decided, all i had to do was tie up some loose ends and gather what i needed. the calm was about not struggling over the decision to die. i was so relieved.

but the thing is, suicide is like a red warning light on the dashboard of the car: all it means is that something is misfiring in your head, heart and soul. it does *not* mean that you should act on those urges. instead, find out what is causing you to feel suicidal (often it's feelings, like feeling without hope, feeling worthless, or a failure) and then take steps to ease those feelings.

if it's depression, it's a common sympom to feel suicidal. but once you treat the depression, the urge to hurt yourself leaves.

 

[Panopticon]

Yeah. It does feel really nice. I've heard of the phenomenon and how people usually try to visit a lot of people they'd want to meet one last time, and it almost feels like that for me but not 100%.

The calm feeling is definitely there, but I don't know, I still have some more moments with my ex as a friend so as long as that feels good I still don't see a reason to burn out yet. It's silly killing yourself over someone because I know I could very most likely move on even though it'd be hellish still, I know that I just lost interest in life (like you lose interest in a video game or other hobby, while it's not really normal to be able to feel that way about life it's what's happened, and it's both funny and sad, I'm personally amazed that I finally got this deciding suicidal feeling in me, never ever thought that.) and it will not be cured in 4-5 years because then I'll be in a 'what's she doing now?', denial, etc. phase, that's exactly how I work and nothing can stop that unfortunately.

 

[DrowningInTears]

Hey man I feel for ya. I know that society trys to make guys feel as if having a girl is what defines him as a success. But I think that is a scam by society, you talked about playing video games, would it be possible to focus on video games instead of this girl? I know I'm not very qualified to give relationship advice and I don't know if I'm making any sense, but it seems that 'just being friends' with this girl is a cruel torment to you. She is right there in front of your face but you can't have her.

I think it is twisted and sadistic for her to break up with you but want to keep you around as just-a-friend. Like chaining somebody to a wall and setting food just out of reach while they starve to death.

Lots of cool games will be coming out in the future, I know if I die now I will never get to play Starcraft II! Whatever your favorite type of game is think what awsome titles could be released in years to come!

What would happen if you just cut off any communication with her and never spoke to her again, and just tryed life without her for awhile. If you are going to kill yourself anyways, why not just try life without her for awhile and see if you can cope? I don't think it is healty to have all your feelings depend on one single person because people let you down!

 

[Panopticon]

Thanks.

Yes indeed it's cruel, but I think she feels very bad about it all still. She told me that it was hard for her to tell her family and relatives about it which she had to recently (as some of her relatives didn't know about it)

I agree with the gaming, and yes hanging out with friends and playing is enjoyable and keeps my mind quite healthy. Still though it's kind of haunting since I introduced her to the world of gaming and we've gone through quite a bit and ugh... We were so cute and perfect.

Also sleeping and waking up are the worst parts of my life I think right now, since we lived together for 4 months it feels really lonely and I'm disgusted by it.

I'd compare every girl I meet with her and everything I'd do would be all like hey I've done this before with my ex, damnit I want her back and not go around doing the same crap with someone new when I could've enjoyed celebrating a long lasting relationship, but now I'm all emotionless starting out anew, and I might as well perish.

Of course it's easier said than done to end.