Effect on relationships.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Remedy, Jun 25, 2009.

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  1. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Well, ok. It happened September 07. I cried for about six months, but I didn't feel I needed any psychological help. To be honest for a while I didn't even realize it was rape. Anyway, my first relationship since has been a disaster, I'm starting to see how much it messed with my head... Finding it hard to trust, feeling 'dirty'... I don't know, I'm hoping responses to this thread will help me work out how I'm feeling in words. So how has rape effected your relationships?
    Any replies are valued, I'm looking to make something click.. then maybe I can work through it. :dunno:
     
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi mel :hug:
    i feel those things aswel.i find it so hard 2 trust every1.iv hardly had any relationships.mainly from feelin not worthy n so disgusting.it just eats me up inside.iv only really jus started 2 look 4 help and want it.
    2 say its so hard would be an undrstatment.i guess not every1 out there is as cruel and evil as these ppl.but i know how difficult it is 2 see past tht.i think th only way forward 4 me is 2 get some therapy and be completely honest and see where it takes me.mabye thts the same 4 u ? x
     
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Can't exactly say I've personally experienced it. I did have a friend who did. She had the same kind of feelings. I knew her before it happened and she confided in me a little then started to even push me away. Over time she did start to see a doctor about it and started working on her trust issues and all that. I haven't talked to her in quite a while but from what I heard she eventually did start trusting enough and is engaged now. I guess what I'm trying to say is it might take lots of time to regain trust and be able to have a relationship. I'm sorry if I'm saying the wrong things here. I just wanted to try help even just a tiny bit.
     
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    It's screwed up with every relationship I've had, even with therapy. Partly because I made bad choices with partners who couldn't possibly begin to comprehend, and who were, themselves, abusive. But trust is something I don't have. I easily push people away when they get too close, and I run off at the least provocation. Sometimes its hard for me to see that the person I'm with isn't my abuser, especially during an arguement or something. And even though I'm aware of these things, consciously, when they happen I have no control over them. Once in a while I can catch myself, but generally not until afterwards, then I get to beat myself up. And we're not even going to begin about my "self esteem" (or lack thereof). It's the most difficult thing in the world to live with and recover from. Some people are able to get over it, perhaps it depends on the person and situation. Since my stuff started at a young age, and continued for years, I'm probably way more fucked up, so there is hope. Find a good therapist and support group/s. And good luck! :hug:
     
  5. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Yep... feeling not worthy, feeling disgusting, pushing people away when they get close... pretty much sums it up. Feeling that the person I'm with is like my abuser... that especially. It's not fair on him... but I feel trapped. :sad: Loving someone and not being able to trust them... I've tried leaving but couldn't stick with it. I really have no idea what to do... This has turned more into a 'relationships' thread now, but any advice would really be appreciated. I hate feeling so trapped, suicide seems a good option some days. Thank you all for replying.
     
  6. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    This thread is somewhat helpful to me since I care very much about someone who feels and reacts this way. But the one thing I wonder is how do you want the man in your life to behave? What should we do? Especially when your feeling that we are like your abuser when we're not. And what should we do when you push us away?
     
  7. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Gently reminding the person that you're not "fill in the blank" is one way, though that can also elicit a negative effect at the wrong moment. (Like teasing about PMS can be okay one minute and the next can get your head bitten off... such a woman thing! lol) Giving space is very important, while still being there if/when the person reaches out to you. Not taking it personally, which is the hardest part, and which is why I don't want to put anyone else through my shit. I'd take me very personally! Can't expect anyone else not to. It's a real balancing act and not one that's guaranteed to work. It would take so much patience, and the rewards are not necessarily always there as promised. I'd never again subject another person to myself. I barely like subjecting my DOG to me, or even myself to myself.
     
  8. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    During arguments it'll be very hard for you to say the right thing, because she's likely to take everything the wrong way, even when you don't see how it's possible. She needs to feel in control of the situation, obviously the whole control thing is a big factor after being abused. When she pushes you away, ask her what she wants you to do? Ask if she wants you to give her some space? But then this also goes with saying the right or wrong thing, because she might see it as you running away and deciding she's too much to handle. Try talking to her about her feelings? And getting to the bottom of why she feels the way she does. Sometimes all we need is to talk to someone who cares. Feeling 'safe' too, that's something to consider. Feel free to PM me about it with more details, I'd be happy to try and help. :hug:
     
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i attracted a similar pattern of people and relationships. i haven't been physically raped. i've been fucked around a lot in my life in lots of ways and have never had a healthy relationship.

    he does the: 'i'm not him!' 'you're going through a flashback!" when, the things he has done is fucking despicable and he won't ever listen or learn.
     
  10. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I hate when abusers use shit against you. I hate when they turn around things to use to their evil intentions. I hate when they try to pervert psychology. They all need to be shot.
     
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yup. exactly how i feel.
     
  12. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    This is something I've been afraid of. I don't want to look like I'm running away or abandoning her. Everyone else in her life has run away. I don't want to be one of those people.
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I just can't stand people no trust they hurt you again and again I guess im paranoid at times too thinking people are trying to hurt me on purpose. I wish i could be close to people but can't even my husband i push away now. I just hurt when he tries to care because i don't believe he does. I don't want people to care i really don't
     
  14. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I feel tainted, powerless, like I can't let anyone really know me...Sometimes I just want to die.

    I wonder who I really am. I feel guilty for enjoyment, and can't trust my self or others. Can't build a relationship until I know myself and trust myself first.

    I have a hard time dissappointing anyone but myself, and became an overachiever, and people pleaser. I feel as if I am not worthy of having my needs met. Not a very balanced approach for any relationship.

    Sometimes I can't complete what I set out to do right away because of flashbacks from everyday triggers. Not very stable emotionally.

    Nightmares, hidden anger buried so deep that it turns against myself in the form of self destructive behavior.

    Guilt. Never really secure - always expecting to be rejected. Feeling as if I will never be good enough to deserve a true friend or a future.

    Rape, Abuse have been the story of my life for many years.... In my opinion, Rape is a violation of the very soul and as such takes time and help to deal with the impact.

    Take care of yourself - be patient and kind with yourself - realize that this is something that does impact you but something that you can come back from. It is totally understandable that it has effected you - realize you survived and need to take care of yourself now so you can be in a balanced relationship later.

    Anyone in a relationship already will need lots of patience and understanding - let her lead and give her space when asked to. Try to get her to tell you how she is feeling. Counseling helps reframe so that the feeling of being tainted can be changed. Unconditional care and acceptance is what she needs right now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2009
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