I have been thinking about killing myself pbly since I was about 15 or so and now I'm in my mid 20's and it really hasn't gone away. I just really don't see what the point of living is. I've always been lonely even since I was young I didn't have many friends and the few I have I've pushed away. It's not to say that I've been alone by myself my whole life I have had friends, good times, even a worthwhile relationship once, but I just think I've made too many mistakes to continue anymore. I had constant suicidal thoughts towards the end of high school because of the looming pressure to succeed while facing how behind I was in school ready to be held back and not knowing what I was going to do for my future b/c I had just a crappy job and couldn't really hope for anything better. I was so sure I was going to do it until I got wrapped up in a love interest that happened to work out for a while and give me a reason to live for a couple years but it ended for all the reasons I always knew I would be alone I'm just boring, unremarkable, and forgettable. After it was over I went off the deep end and just got drunk with some people who were into partying until after a few blackouts I managed to push them away too. I spent about six months doing nothing but playing world of Warcraft because no one in real life would have anything to do with me and I just plotted my end in the meantime. It didn't happen thought because I reconnected with a few close friends from high school and I thought things might turn around. I started going to college online, started exercising, loosing weight, feeling better... like somehow I just might be able to make it as a normal person... but after a few years I was still stuck at home with nothing moving forward in my life and then my parents split and I'm unemployed while being tasked to take care of food/house/everything for me and my brother who isn't even 18 and I only worked part time while my dad was in jail for multiple dui's and my mom just decided she cared about some guy she meant a couple months before more than her own children. I panicked... but in the end food stamps covered us. At one point I was actually excited for the future. I was about to join the military and going to be able to do something I had wanted to do since I was a kid but had never thought i might have the talent for. I scored high on the asvab... about 20 points higher than average which was surprising b/c I was pretty sure I was retarded AND I was able to pass the physical which I never thought I could do because I have always been overweight. My life was finally going to move forward... but apparently only 2-3 months without smoking weed still allows it show up in your system during a blood test and so I got a dishonorable discharge and am banned/shamed forever. The worst part is I don't get it. Alchohol is more harmful physically and mentally. Marijuana allows me to enjoy myself, feel good about myself, feel good doing things I like like music, alcohol does the opposite, but here I am drinking booze because it's the only thing I can get to alter my consciousness legally (I don't care about the legalities, but I don't really know people or have connections so alcohol is all I have). It's not like I could just stay sober all the time because whenever I'm sober I simply play video games or watch shows which is the same thing... just dumbing down the brain so you don't have to think about where you really are in life. At least when i'm altered I can enjoy things that I used to when I was younger like playing an instrument. Anti-depressants aren't the answer because I don't want to just feel nothing I want to do something meaningful. There are only two options I could ever see myself wanting to live life and that is one where I either have a family and social life or one where I do something meaningful and bot of those are simply not possible for me. I'm too ugly to attract anyone, I don't have family or friends b/c I just don't have any family anymore and I push everyone away because of how boring/depressed and unremarkable I am. I simply don't have talent in ANYTHING so doing something meaningful is out of the question... what's left for me? Living alone at some boring, meaningless job going home to an empty apartment everyday to play games... I wish... that's not an option anymore b/c I got tricked into doing online only school and am never going anywhere in a career so now I just have a lifetime of debt with no return on the investment. I have tried to kill myself once or twice... not nearly hard enought though as it just ends up costing me more debt. <mod edit - methods> My dad found me and took me to the hospital which was BULLSHIT b/c all that happend was the locked me a way for a couple days after telling me no I was fine but they still needed to use an ambulance and hospital room and psyche ward stay so now I owe them thousands of dollars...thanks for the help dicks. I can't really talk to anyone about anything because I don't know anyone... the only friend I have is really distant and talking about things like this would just make it worse. As much as I've never really wanted to live somehow I've always made it through... but in a couple of years that won't be an option anymore because of student loans. Maybe... just maybe I might be able to barely scrape enough money to cover my loans if I was living with my dad, not paying rent, and never moving my life forward, but that's not fair to my dad or me. I never would have thought that taking a chance on myself and going to school would be the final nail in the coffin. What's more is that even if it were possible I don't think it should be. There are things that I have done soon after I came back from the hospital for my "attempt" that I did just so that I could never live with myself because I really just want to push myself to finish it... the pblm is for a long time I just blocked them out and forgot, but every once in a while just like some of the horrible things that happened in my childhood they creep back into my thoughts or my dreams and I'm reminded of what must be done. Eh... w/e I guess I'm just a random number in what like 6 billion + other people so what does it matter.