.... Ugh.... I feel so bad this week, worse then I'd ever felt in my whole life... And I don't know how to explain it... I never do.. .and when I do it comes out wrong and the person I'm trying to tell what my problem is gets the wrong picture... I can't keep this is any longer I feel like I'am going to explode, I will probably not kill myself, just feel like shit. Everytime I talk to somebody I get ignored, more in real life, but I feel like I am lying cause they are not here for the people online to understand. I don't have a single person that I've seen in real life not hate me, it is like I am cursed no matter how hard I try... I enjoy sports but my anxiety and hate of people commenting about you at the side drives me insane.. so I don't practice, and my bones are so feeble... if you new the condition of my joints, my knees mainly sometimes I cannot stand up because they snap and hurt like hell. Everytime I think about dying I wonder if it will get better later or not, probably not but I rather die trying to survive then killing myself... Too many people die a day and have no choice. How do you know what is right in the afterlife when there are like, millions, of different beleifs, would only one type of religion go to their higher place just cause they were born and raised to believe that??!?! Everyday I go to school, I just see how much people can ignore me and if say anything it would be negative. I have only loved someone once, cause all they are at this age and older ages are heartbreaks, when you love somebody no matter what you will probably hurt them in some way and they will hurt you... but the only thing I love and live for is ignoring me now, or so it seems... they are tired of the wait, it would require 3-6 years before I can live with them thanks to school. But they can't wait that long.. I don't think, and the more I think about it, I should just not know this person... Even if they would be willing to wait so long for something not worth it, me, then we would wait 3-6 years for her to hate me just like everyone else. If I just did not know her... at least she would have better years, and if I did not know them at all they would just have a better life... I just sit here every morning for roughly 6-8 hours sad and depressed i's pitiful... and then another 7 hours after school just waiting for her to come online.. which she has not in almost 3 weeks... but she has een on a computer, and on some other stuff... I think I am just turning into someone on her MSN list.. I don't know.... And what help a bandage does to my knee to hold it in place when I am allergic (1 out of 2) to the bandages... Now my knee is swollen and bleeding, itchy and doesn't even look like a knee. How can I focus my problems on playing volleyball when that is my passion when I can never get better from what it's been like with my knees and bones... even if I got an ounce of co-ordination I wil lstill be so sore.. Even the smallest people are better then I... There's more to this... alot more history but it is hard to bring in being stabbed in the back and slashed with a knife at the face, just cause I was me. But I don't see any reason to live anymore.. I think I should just end it somehow... do something that will make a difference in this world and end it... I want to see what happens when you die, more then anything.... So its time to find out, maybe. Half the stuff I'm writting right now I don't even know, my head feels like someone just beat it into a mash with a baseball bat... Oh well... Sorry for the pointlessness of this post. No replies? I don't care read the next one... maybe it will be more exciting. Noz/Gron OUT~~~~~~~!!!