eh....

[ALB_JRS]

.... Ugh.... I feel so bad this week, worse then I'd ever felt in my whole life...
And I don't know how to explain it... I never do.. .and when I do it comes out wrong and the person I'm trying to tell what my problem is gets the wrong picture... I can't keep this is any longer I feel like I'am going to explode, I will probably not kill myself, just feel like shit.
Everytime I talk to somebody I get ignored, more in real life, but I feel like I am lying cause they are not here for the people online to understand.
I don't have a single person that I've seen in real life not hate me, it is like I am cursed no matter how hard I try... I enjoy sports but my anxiety and hate of people commenting about you at the side drives me insane.. so I don't practice, and my bones are so feeble... if you new the condition of my joints, my knees mainly sometimes I cannot stand up because they snap and hurt like hell.
Everytime I think about dying I wonder if it will get better later or not, probably not but I rather die trying to survive then killing myself... Too many people die a day and have no choice.
How do you know what is right in the afterlife when there are like, millions, of different beleifs, would only one type of religion go to their higher place just cause they were born and raised to believe that??!?!
Everyday I go to school, I just see how much people can ignore me and if say anything it would be negative. I have only loved someone once, cause all they are at this age and older ages are heartbreaks, when you love somebody no matter what you will probably hurt them in some way and they will hurt you... but the only thing I love and live for is ignoring me now, or so it seems... they are tired of the wait, it would require 3-6 years before I can live with them thanks to school. But they can't wait that long.. I don't think, and the more I think about it, I should just not know this person... Even if they would be willing to wait so long for something not worth it, me, then we would wait 3-6 years for her to hate me just like everyone else. If I just did not know her... at least she would have better years, and if I did not know them at all they would just have a better life...
I just sit here every morning for roughly 6-8 hours sad and depressed i's pitiful... and then another 7 hours after school just waiting for her to come online.. which she has not in almost 3 weeks... but she has een on a computer, and on some other stuff... I think I am just turning into someone on her MSN list.. I don't know.... And what help a bandage does to my knee to hold it in place when I am allergic (1 out of 2) to the bandages... Now my knee is swollen and bleeding, itchy and doesn't even look like a knee. How can I focus my problems on playing volleyball when that is my passion when I can never get better from what it's been like with my knees and bones... even if I got an ounce of co-ordination I wil lstill be so sore.. Even the smallest people are better then I...
There's more to this... alot more history but it is hard to bring in being stabbed in the back and slashed with a knife at the face, just cause I was me.

But I don't see any reason to live anymore.. I think I should just end it somehow... do something that will make a difference in this world and end it... I want to see what happens when you die, more then anything.... So its time to find out, maybe.


Half the stuff I'm writting right now I don't even know, my head feels like someone just beat it into a mash with a baseball bat... Oh well... Sorry for the pointlessness of this post.


No replies? I don't care read the next one... maybe it will be more exciting.



Noz/Gron OUT~~~~~~~!!!

 

[insanity_is_my_sane]

.... Ugh.... I feel so bad this week, worse then I'd ever felt in my whole life...
And I don't know how to explain it... I never do.. .and when I do it comes out wrong and the person I'm trying to tell what my problem is gets the wrong picture... I can't keep this is any longer I feel like I'am going to explode, I will probably not kill myself, just feel like shit.
Everytime I talk to somebody I get ignored, more in real life, but I feel like I am lying cause they are not here for the people online to understand.
I don't have a single person that I've seen in real life not hate me, it is like I am cursed no matter how hard I try... I enjoy sports but my anxiety and hate of people commenting about you at the side drives me insane.. so I don't practice, and my bones are so feeble... if you new the condition of my joints, my knees mainly sometimes I cannot stand up because they snap and hurt like hell.
Everytime I think about dying I wonder if it will get better later or not, probably not but I rather die trying to survive then killing myself... Too many people die a day and have no choice.
How do you know what is right in the afterlife when there are like, millions, of different beleifs, would only one type of religion go to their higher place just cause they were born and raised to believe that??!?!
Everyday I go to school, I just see how much people can ignore me and if say anything it would be negative. I have only loved someone once, cause all they are at this age and older ages are heartbreaks, when you love somebody no matter what you will probably hurt them in some way and they will hurt you... but the only thing I love and live for is ignoring me now, or so it seems... they are tired of the wait, it would require 3-6 years before I can live with them thanks to school. But they can't wait that long.. I don't think, and the more I think about it, I should just not know this person... Even if they would be willing to wait so long for something not worth it, me, then we would wait 3-6 years for her to hate me just like everyone else. If I just did not know her... at least she would have better years, and if I did not know them at all they would just have a better life...
I just sit here every morning for roughly 6-8 hours sad and depressed i's pitiful... and then another 7 hours after school just waiting for her to come online.. which she has not in almost 3 weeks... but she has een on a computer, and on some other stuff... I think I am just turning into someone on her MSN list.. I don't know.... And what help a bandage does to my knee to hold it in place when I am allergic (1 out of 2) to the bandages... Now my knee is swollen and bleeding, itchy and doesn't even look like a knee. How can I focus my problems on playing volleyball when that is my passion when I can never get better from what it's been like with my knees and bones... even if I got an ounce of co-ordination I wil lstill be so sore.. Even the smallest people are better then I...
There's more to this... alot more history but it is hard to bring in being stabbed in the back and slashed with a knife at the face, just cause I was me.

But I don't see any reason to live anymore.. I think I should just end it somehow... do something that will make a difference in this world and end it... I want to see what happens when you die, more then anything.... So its time to find out, maybe.


Half the stuff I'm writting right now I don't even know, my head feels like someone just beat it into a mash with a baseball bat... Oh well... Sorry for the pointlessness of this post.


No replies? I don't care read the next one... maybe it will be more exciting.



Noz/Gron OUT~~~~~~~!!!

hello ALB,

i'm sorry that you're so down, esp. about yourself. you sound like a friendly person. i'm new here & eager to learn about other people, in hopes that it will help me to understand myself better. i can't say if it is working yet, but knowing people share my thoughts & my feelings helps.

ending your life won't solve your problems. and, like you & i'm sure many others, i have my doubts & questions about the afterlife. i agree w/ you that there are too many religions, but every culture has their own beliefs, as does every individual. i believe that there's a higher power of some sort, perhaps God, but i find at times this belief is hard to hold onto. i think my fear of not knowing what happens or where my soul goes keeps me afraid to die; and that fear of dying keeps me alive. if there is one thing we all know for sure it is: that death is final.

i know how it feels to love a person. i have only fallen in love once before, even though i have loved many in the past & currently now in the future. unless you have experienced true love, you can't even begin to explain the pain of a truly broken heart.

i hope everything works out well for you, Sweetie. if you want to talk or vent, if you'd like some attempted advice, feel free to PM me.

<3 Amber

 

[Terry]

Nozzie Nozzie Nozzie....:hug: :hug: :hug:

Oh hun, this will get better. I remember how hard it was being your age..everything is so huge, every slight so painful.

Keep trying to tell you that your liked and valued here, but you are in too dark a place to hear me.

Hang in there, this will pass and we are all here for you.

 

[Marshmallow]

Awwwwww hun

Ww had quite a long chat about this, and i could tell that you was hurting, and im really sorry that i weren't much help, but i could really tell you was having a hard time telling me what was wrong and how you was feeling, its ok to be upset and down sometimes, we all have our ups and downs thats normal.

I think you have a trumendos outlook on suicide, its true that so many people die and have no choice but if they did have no the choice they would take a chance at living.

I know what you told me about the person you love, and remember what i said, give her time, there could be a thousand reasons why shes not been on msn, or maybe even do what i suggested and tell her how you feel and ask her whats going on in an email, she's more likely to reply to an email than if she doesn't want to talk on msn.

I think its a great achievement that your doing volleyball, especially with your knew and your bones, i can tell how much you love volleyball, you tell me your going to watch the girls practice or go to volleyball training and i smile because your doing something you love, something you cherish and you shouldn't give that up for the world. Volleyball makes you happy, i can tell how excited you get when you talk about it, so keep it up!

I'm deffiantly not gonna let you give up! your a good friend to me, allways making me laugh, on msn and in chat :biggrin: please know i am here for you when ever you need to talk hun.

Your post wasn't pointless and i hope with all my heart that it helped getting it out, if i could take away the pain your feeling right now i could because your one guy that deffiantly doesn't deserve it.

Please take care hun

You know where i am if you need me

Vikki xxxxxxxxxx

 

[ALB_JRS]

There is no more volleyball this year :sad: and yes the girls played at the same time as our practice so what else was there to watch :rolleyes:

 

[Marshmallow]

awwwwwww :sad: :hug:

tut tut looking at the girls! :ohmy: :laugh:

Keep your chin up darling, don't let things get on top of ya!

:hug:

Love ya vik x

 

[ALB_JRS]

Thanks guys :blink: :smile:

 

[ALB_JRS]

And now its time to find out. <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - do not single out members> I will. Bye.

 

[Jess]

Hi ALB.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I know we may not have exactly seen eye to eye the past times we've talked.. but I think you and I both know that we can understand some of the things that bring us down in life outside this place. so I just wantd to offer an ear whenever you want/need.
Hope you're safe. :hug:

Take care