i never really want to kill myself. i always feel fine,and want to help others. but lately,i feel aweful. im so heartbroken.and i should've been more careful. and i've been like this so many times but i thought it was real.and everything felt so real. he wont speak to me,and i've given up trying to contact him anymore.i fear that im going to just be some man's play toy for the rest of my life,and i wont ever feel LOVE. :sad: i mean,that's how i've always been treated... they say things happen for a reason,then why is this happening? to make me into the old person i hated? the sudicial fuckup? i dont want to be like that.and im trying my hardest not too. i really dont and didnt like that lifestyle. i've thrown up so much today,and i cant eat anything cause i feel worse then. all that goes in my head is 'you need to harm yourself or die' andd im just shaking all over,or i was alot worse last night. i couldnt bear with myself. i looked in the mirror and realized,im so worthless,and hideous. all i could do was cry. and no one was there. i laid down,and cryed myself to sleep just wishing i could go. but i guess for the sake for the sake of the people i love,despite if they love me or not,i'm staying for them. i just wish that men werent so dumb all the time[no offense to any guys],i know not ALL men are. buut i just hurt right now.im sorry.