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Wish I knew

I do not want to annoy any of my friends with the things that are going on in my mind. So I'll just post it here.
I used to selfharm, but then I stopped. But a little while ago I started again, this time doing it even worse than I ever did before. And more often as well. It's not that I LIKE the scars it's leaving. In fact I HATE them and they look horrible. But I deserve them all. Every single one of them. I'm going to end up having a scar for every single time I had any sort of physical interaction with a guy, without really wanting to. Because that's what I deserve for not saying "No!" or for saying "No!" but not struggling when they kept going on anyway. Or for not struggling hard enough. For not fighting them off. For having a nice body that turns guys on. For having people falling in love with me. For being me. For being alive. For existing. For everything I did wrong in my life.

I deserve it. I deserve even more pain than just that, so please hurt me. Please hurt me so badly. I won't die because of it. I cannot kill myself because that would be taking out the easy way. That would be running away from the consequences of my deeds. I deserve pain, so I'll have to undergo pain. As much pain as possible.

Please hurt me.
Darling, you don't deserve any of those scars. I know you hate them and i wish you'd see that. You don't deserve ANYTHING. I'm not gonna hurt you and neither is anyone else, we care about you so much and you know we do. You should give yourself some respect because i honestly don't think you do and you feel you have to please a guy by giving them what they want, you don't have to do anything your not comfortable with. If your in a situation with a guy, you DO have the right to stop it. You can't control they way people feel about you and the way you feel about them, it just happens wether you want it to or not. Don't beat yourself up about it, people can't usually control what they feel for people.

I supprt you with 100% of my heart.

Love ya sweetheart.

Vikki x


Staff Alumni
You dont deserve ANY of the pain. The guys that persisted doing what they knew was wrong on other hand. I wish they could get a taste of what that pain feels like.

All your friends care about you so much. We want you to fight, and want you to be healthy. Its not an easy road, its an emotional roller coaster, but we stand by you 110%.

Unfortunately as Vikki said, you cant control the way people feel about you, or how you feel about them. It would be nice if somebody could flick a switch , but it doesnt work that way. People learn to cope with it.

Ill always support you no matter what.

Matt xox
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You do not deserve the pain you have been put through any more than anyone else does hun. The physical scars may heal, but the emotional ones can last a lifetime. You must learn how to respond to what you are feeling and make some positive choices in your life. You are a wonserful person that is hurting so deeply. I wish I could take it all away and make things better, but i can't. Only you have the power to make a difference. i can support you through the good choices and the bad choices and off my opinion. But still, the control and power lies with you. Please take care hun. :hug:

Wish I knew

urgh. I'm so tired of it. I do deserve the pain. It's not just the men. It's more. I'm having money trouble. Am behind on the rent and I can't pay it. I applied for a job but never heard back from it. Lost 3 jobs over the last 3 months. I can't even fucking pay my groceries anymore. Hence why I eat very little and why I loose quite a bit of weight. I keep getting hungry in the middle of the night, because I eat so little during the days. I haven't been able to buy me any credit for my phone for a few weeks now. And I wonder when I'll be kicked out of my place, because I simply can't pay the fucking rent. I have some money left on my savings account, but cannot use it, because I need it for future education. but hell, I guess I can just start using all that, because there IS no proper future for me anyway.

I keep getting panicattacks more and more. On daily basis almost. I keep selfharming more and more and I'm scared that one day I'll go too far. I've hit a lower point again, but this time it's really serious because if things don't change I'll be homeless within a month. It's fucking harder to get a job than anything else. And IF I find a job I keep getting fired because my depression is causing me to stay in bed and do nothing but laying here feeling miserable.

How could this happen to me. 7 months ago I was the happiest girl on earth and now I'm ... this... creature....
This is why you need to go and get help. I know your scared, everyone is scared when they first go help. But i REALLY recommend you do it sweetheart. It will help alot, trust me. I think talking therapy would do you the world of good, i honestly do. Once you've sorted out your head then holding down a job will be much easier. You need to talk to the landlord like i said, explain to him whats going on, he seems like a nice guy and im sure if you explained to him then he could help you in some way. Hun i REALLY think you need to go see the doctor and arrange to see someone, I know its scary but once your past the first few visit things will get alot better.

Vikki x
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