I do not want to annoy any of my friends with the things that are going on in my mind. So I'll just post it here. I used to selfharm, but then I stopped. But a little while ago I started again, this time doing it even worse than I ever did before. And more often as well. It's not that I LIKE the scars it's leaving. In fact I HATE them and they look horrible. But I deserve them all. Every single one of them. I'm going to end up having a scar for every single time I had any sort of physical interaction with a guy, without really wanting to. Because that's what I deserve for not saying "No!" or for saying "No!" but not struggling when they kept going on anyway. Or for not struggling hard enough. For not fighting them off. For having a nice body that turns guys on. For having people falling in love with me. For being me. For being alive. For existing. For everything I did wrong in my life. I deserve it. I deserve even more pain than just that, so please hurt me. Please hurt me so badly. I won't die because of it. I cannot kill myself because that would be taking out the easy way. That would be running away from the consequences of my deeds. I deserve pain, so I'll have to undergo pain. As much pain as possible. Please hurt me.