Eight months now...And still feel no less pain.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Slofse, Nov 27, 2007.

  1. Slofse

    Slofse New Member

    It's been little over 8 months since my best friend died now. I knew him for about seven years and for almost four years of that time we we're roomates in a single room apartment, so we really got to know eachother through and through having little if any personal life to eachother. I loved him more then anyone I'we ever known. This might sound odd but I never feelt safe in my family after my parents divorce when I was 9 years old. He was suffering from manic Depression or Bi-Polar disorder, wich is something very few of our friends actualy knew. The last six months of his life he had started to feel alot better, he had gotten engaged with his girlfriend and said that he for the first time since as far back as he could remember was actualy looking forward to the future. He had seized any selfdestructive behaviour since about a year back but had still been struggling with just the will to live.. But as said, he was feeling alot better and was looking forward to actualy have a life.

    Two months before his death I moved back home to my mother to start studying again, partly cous of my economy failing from being without work for three months and it didn't look like it would brighten up any time soon.

    My mother lives in a neighbouring town to where our apartment was and with fulltime studies I didn't have much time to spend with any of my friends for the months after I moved back home.

    When I first heard about his death I didn't know what to think, there was no precise information. Just a rumour from someone that he had died.. It had been about a week and a half since I last heard anything from him or his grilfriend. After that our common friends started calling me from all over the place.

    Everyone wanted to know what had happend and they contacted me. When I learnt to know my friend you could say that we united two circles of friends, that later became one group of people that spent alot of time together. And for some reason everyone turned their questions to me as to what had happened.. Phone rining day and night with people wanting to know what had happend, only answear I could give was that I had no idea.

    It took me two weeks before I could get any clear information from a reliable source as to what had happend. Since he had severed all contact with his dad (who by the way is an alchoholic, drug adict)several years erlier it was his mother I finaly got in contact with.. She lives in a neighbouring country so aparently it had taken some time before she was informed aswell.

    In the end it became clear that he had died in a drowning accident.. It was in no way suicide related.

    I'm going to continue this in a short while.. You have to excuse my spelling as english isn't my first language and I'm rather upset atm.. Need to clear my thoughts before I put down anything more..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2007
  2. Slofse

    Slofse New Member

    The burial was a christian one and I appreciated it even if I consider myself and atheist. It was a beautifull cermony and we spent hours talking about memories afterwards..

    Since then I'we not been able to properly face any of my friends.. I don't really know why but the times I'we tried to I simply don't have the strenght for it. I'we burried myself in school work and live at the country side with my mom helping, out with the horses and stuff all day. Pretty much killed my social contact with the outside world except every now and then making it known that I'm still alive to some friends over the internet.

    I can't get back into my old life and I don't know why i can't move on from it. I lost my girlfriend thanks to it and since then I can't sem to focus on anything... I have no thoughts about ending my life but everything just feels pointless, everything lost it's meaning and I just go on without reason.

    This ended up alot longer then I first thought it would, and again sorry about my failing english. I have no idea why I post this but most probably I just need to tell someone about what happend as everyone in my close surrounding say they don't need to hear it from me "They allready know what happend".. My family and mostly Mom just tell me to stop whining about it and go on "it's in the past"...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2007
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm so sorry you lost a such good friend. It's hard to lose someone we love.

    Your friends and family probably just want you to be happy again. Maybe it's hard for them to see you so sad - especially because they can't "fix" things for you in this case. They may think talking about him makes you sadder. I dunno.

    It sounds like you have more grieving to do and that you still want to talk about things you did together, how much you cared and how much you miss him. SF can be a good place to share that.

    However, if you are sad all the time still, you might find it helps to talk to a counselor. Sometimes we need a little guidance to get through our grief.

    I hope you find some comfort and peace soon,

    Acy :hug: