El Psuedo-Schizo, In the Life...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by OctaClock, Aug 18, 2009.

  1. OctaClock

    OctaClock New Member

    Ah, the brain. It will be fantastic, the day they finally discover it's complete workings and functions; our hugely complex and gooey skull-meat. Hopefully developing methods of explanation so lay people, such as myself, can process the information and it doesn't pass straight over our heads (terminology is so important to relevant subjects, but so very, very confusing in scientific journals when you haven't the, ahem, capacity to process the technical jargon). More importantly so I can finally learn more about the conscious and subconscious.

    Psychology was an area I've always shown interest in, but could never, like many other hobbies, actually pursue as a significant aspect, or driven purpose in my life. Hobbies such as; learning about technology, science, politics etc, is mainly just reading news, opinions and essays. In honesty, I'm just not committed enough in any topic or subject.

    What makes people motivated, or driven to get something done? I've always assumed it's that initial goal they dream of, then build on and develop over time, and it breeds into that feeling of having come this far, why stop now. So when the going gets tough, one can't just quit, of course not what with so much having already been accomplished up until now. Sound half-right? Maybe it's more deep-seeded and complicated than that, but whatever it is, I think it's been frequently absent from me for some time.
    My level of human interaction, or lack there of, is probably at the core of most of my issues and an area in life I'm rarely comfortable.

    Socialising, meeting new people and getting to really know someone was a distant priority in High School, if only because I couldn't handle the judgement others seem so eager to reserve for their peers. In retrospect, I am aware of how badly I handled events and situations as a teenager, but have reached an equilibrium with any regrets. This means past regrets still exist in my thoughts, but I have come to terms and can only look back to study how any outcomes may have altered my character over time.
    The average observer wouldn't consider me to ever be suffering any self-esteem or confidence issues, I can put on quite a show; convey high confidence and presence, at least I used to.
    I'm quite modest, so the following is out of character for me but other people, especially women, compliment me on my looks and appearance, also when I dress nicely. Don't be fooled though, I am too shy and introverted to do much of anything when it comes to flattery, reciprocation is easy but hardly ever genuine and often disappointingly awkward.

    Evidence points to me not being a social animal, but I've had times where my situation was different. Going out partying with friends, binging on whatever drugs were available, the dominate choice being alcohol. I grew out of getting drunk twice or three times a week, it was making me depressed and even more lonely than when I had only myself for company. The total truth, one that I've never raised with anyone, is that I was an alcoholic. I'm not ashamed of this, just perplexed at how easily I misinterpreted the addiction. I drank quite heavily from the age of 16 up until last year, that's seven or so years of binging constantly, week in, week out.

    Alcohol is a luxury that I only want as a treat, or saved for special occasions, the price for abusing the drug and having little discipline once I start chugging beverages down. My resistance to alcohol is complete now, I never even think of drinking, but I still smoke tobacco and still struggling to want to quit, a desire that needs to be strong if one wants to succeed.

    In my introductory post it states that I am 'voluntarily' unemployed, an element in my life that requires further dissection and thought, but I'll explain what I can. A few months ago I was working at an electronics store, in the warehouse; a simple and time consuming job. Everything in that environment took a little piece of me at a time, eroding what little was left of my identity. The sales-side of the job was tough but I have a natural affinity for it, and a trustworthy face to assist in selling. After only a few months in the job I found myself unwilling to sell, not out of confidence or that I wouldn't make any sales, but rather my environmental opinions were beginning take firm hold of my thoughts during work. Retail is a wasteful, meaningless and distracting industry, and I hope one day people as a collective will no longer desire such insidious consumerism to be the backbone of our 'progress'. Another topic, for another time I guess.
    Returning to my decisions to quit came from my attempts to try clean the company I was working for, environmentally and ethically, but all suggestions fell on deaf, apathetic ears. My attempted contribution to society has yet to transpire, this was at least going to be my starting point and I am dreaming naively of saving our earthly organism one day. Unfortunately, it has come to the stage where I have lost sight of this ambition, I blamed my job and so with seven days notice promptly quit. Have been unemployed ever since.

    The most common reoccurring thoughts are related to 'getting out of town', 'hitting the road', or just somehow getting a job on a freighter and travelling to other parts of the world for a while. All naive and all fruitless, what I need is to conquer my insecurities, the destructive machinations of the repressed and depressed. Basically, the hardest is coming up with how to even begin changing, where to start, and whether I can maintain faith in my own abilities over tough times.

    More to come soon... Really just depends on this thread's discussion.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm at a loss for words. And that is mind boggling to say the least (lol). I have nothing to really offer in the way of a motivational message or suggestions of help.

    Wow. Ummm Wow! Kept me reading til the last word. And now I want more. You're post is a delight to read. Your honesty and depth of insight on yourself and situations around you is so direct. No excuses, what if's, or but's. I can see why you have/had the interests you do. All subjects that would challenge one's mind and abilities. I hope your posts become theraputic for you and that by sharing your experiences and situations that you are able to find the support you so deserve. Welcome to SF!