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elegy and life story

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i want to write this in a place that is public for people to view..
because i will not be here for very longer. i maked a decision and i will end my suffering soon. i dont know when but it is soon.

my life is a doomed thing. from birth i never have a reason to live and now i am old, i can decide to stop living and i know how to do it easy and peaceful.
i envy other people.. my life is envying other people. i understand the reality of being really truely alone.

this is very long. i want to say it all. everything painful that is scared on my soul. because i might not say it again to anyone and i never say it to anyone in public like this before.. i dont care if no one comments. or if no one views, that is als ooaky. i only want to write it for myself. my english is poor so i hope it is easy to understand.

i never have a family. my father was a irresponsible salaryman who has alot of debt and my mom was a stupid teenage girl.. when she gives birth to me, she leaves me to her older cousins to raise. i remember seeing my mother rarely when i am toddler. i only see my father two or three times..

my cousins who raise me are cruel and heartless people. they have a daughter who run away when she was very young. when i was 7 my cousin molested me. he was 30 or 40 and he come into my bed one night when i was trying to sleep. he did it 3 times in that month and after that he raped me. i dont know how many times that he raped me but it was more then 5 times until i am 14 years old. because of it when i was a child i have nightmares and problem of wetting a bed. he will tell me that i am a dirty, nasty child because i am a boy that looks like a girl. he will yell at me and tell me to stop being a disgusting girl (like saying a fag in english..). if i make any sound when he rapes me, he will say i am gross and do it more. i remember this clear.

am in school until 15 and when i am 15 i refuse to go because of fear of people and problems like that.. my cousins dont send me to school after that too. so i only go to middle school and no more then that

i run away from home when i am that age and i live in a shelter for some months. they dont look for me because they dont care. from 15 to 19 i keep alive and eating by doing very irresponsible things with dirty people.. tokyo is popular for gay night clubs and escort bars, so that is where i go. i try to find love and i dont, instead i only find men who rape me, hurt me and abuse me. i dont know how many times it happens but i try to fall in love 3 times. one time i meet a foreigner from america at a nightclub. i become friends with him and his american friends because i can speak little english.. he helped me to learn english more. soon i tell him that i am in love with him and he does not talk to me anymore. he thin ki am disgusting for sleeping with gross men and he does not want me. i start cutting badly from there.

i start cutting badly when i am a teenager. when this happens i live with boyfriends who abuse me.. because of them i will take and abuse pills. many times they will rape me. i did have a boyfriend who force me to have sex with two strange men because they pay him 100 US dollars for doing it.. i remember it because they maked my insides bleed. it is very disgusting to say and i now i will disgust people.. it is very painful... the same boyfriend will make jokes how he will pull my intestines from my body with a toliet plunger. he will say if i dont do what he says, he will do these things to me. it happens before to people and he knows how to do it. so he says he will do it and make me bleed to death with my intestines out.

another boyfriend i have steals a small dog i rescue from me . i rescue the dog from a stray because it is on the street and starving. the person i dated says the dog is disgusting and it has fleas, he takes it into a alley and he kills it. from then he says "its your fault the puppy dyed". "you are to disgusting to own a pet". "everything dies because of you". so i dont have animals now. because i make them die because i am disgusting from it.. i lose a dog and a catb ecause i am a sick person.. i only want to love animals but i am poisonly to them. i am guilty for the dead animals

when i am first in a hospital, it is at 17. i go to a mental hospital twice when i am 17 and they only put me on drugs. i would get a socia lworker.. but she will abuse me.. she stole a pet cat from me and says crue lthings to me.. because of a government program i am give a apartment that is payed for by the government. they give me little money to eat and drink and that is all. i go to a mental ward different times.. 4 times total. one time my socia lworker visited and find that i tryed to take my finger off.

i hate looking at myself from then. i hate looking at my skin and my body. i will look at my self in the mirror and cut myself. when i am that age i thin kseriously about castrating myself.. to remove my penis and cut my face. because i am a ugly, *****ish thing. i live alone and no one to talk to. i go for many months not eve nseeing the cruel woman socia lworker who abuses me. i will spend the government money on alcohol and pills that i abuse and take. i will cut and cut.. i try to take off a toe on my foot and i am put in a hospital again. it has to get stitches because of the scissors i try to use. i dont know why i did it when i am younger. but it did not work well.

psychologists give me many pills that make me see fake, scary things like hallucinating. when i am in the mental ward a time, a hospital worker says to me that i am lik e my cousin says. i am gross because i am a boy who looks like a girl. he says i am too girlish of my personality and my body is to small. my hair is to long and my eyes and lips are not good for a boy. i believe he is true. when i leave i will cut more from then. sometimes i will burn my self with a iron and my anxiety becomes very bad. i will chew on my fingernails unti lthey are very bloody. or i will pluck the hair on my head and it will be very bloody.

i try to be a good person.. i think "if i find a job, i will make friends and i will maybe meet a boy who will love me. i can maybe find job experiences so i can have money to help myself". i find a job as a nurse assistant at a hospital. it is a ironic thing.. i do no shcool for it because it is a very pitiful job. it is only helping with paperwork and small tasks. when i start job i am hopeful that i am on a good way to be happy and loved. one month of the job gos and i am working 15 or 16 hours a day. i will go home and sleep for 5 hours and wake up and go back for 16 more hours.

soon people at work willabuse me. they say things behind me like "i thin khe is a ugly goth kid" or "he is a serial killer because he looks very scary". i cant walk into a restroom with out people talking and laughing quiet about me. soon they do it in front of patients. a woman nurse will scold me cruel in front of patients.. say things like "you work here long enough to know the things, but you dont. you are really stupid" and the patients will laugh. i become anxiety from going to work because of the abuse.. so my anxiety makes me puke. i will live in my restroom, with a bed next to the toliet because i wake up to puke if i have nightmares about work. i will sleep next to the toliet, puke, take pills and cut my arms and body. soon i cut my body like my stomach and thighs. i eat less now because i have no time. at work i only sometime get lunch.. 16 hours and no sitting down or stop.. some times i run from patients and they are upset, but i go to the restroom and vomit.

there is a time a patient sees the cuts on my arm. i wear long sleeve shirt always so it is not seeing, even in the summer i wear this. but a patient asks what it is a time, and i say "it is because of cats". i dont have any cats. there are co workers who see my cuts and never say anything, but only whisper to other people about how i am a freak. in a hospital and they do not care if i am hurting myself. because i am a disgusting trash.

i work there for months.. and a few days from now.. i stop going in. i can not go in because i am weak and pale, i faint to easy to work 16 hours now. i am fired and i go in today to get the little money i have now. it is very little money.. but it is good to buy instant noodles and water before i die.. that is what i will use it for. i dont know if i can eat it though. some time i will make a bowl of noodles and only the smell will make me puke.

i can never find another job even if i do chose to live longer. i look for years for the job and now it is gone. i will be homeless and starve soon if i live but its okay beause i wont.

every day from when i am a teenager to now when i am not being abused by men or working for 16 hours i will lay in bed and think of fake things.. i create characters in my head. it is a disgusting thing but it is my only friends..

i pretend i have friends and a boyfriend. my fake boyfriend has a nice family with parents who love me like i am their son. my friends are three girls and a gay male.. my boyfriend is a cute foreigner boy.. who is very kind to me. he never hurts me and never rapes me. he is very sweet and has a beautiful smile. his family is from america and they are very kind to me. this is my fake dream. this is my fake reality that i create so i dont die from lonelyness.. like a bird, die from lonelyness.. i think of their names and ages and the way they look. it is disgusting, right? i wont say these things.. because i am pathetic now i will only make my self more pathetic.. but they are my fake happyness. in my head. i nmy head. all in my head.

2 months ago i decide not to think of my fake friend and boyfriend and family. because i know i will die soon.. because i know that i chose not to lie to my self. because i am lying to my self, i am only thinking of fake things. you do not understand.. i think of my fake friends and family and boyfriend for more then 6 years. they are my happyness for 6 years.

it is hard to have to go to work and remember "wait.. my family and my best friends, and my boyfirend they are all fake. they are all in my head." i will look at my reality and scream. i will cut myself so badly because i think.. why cant i have that? my fake happyness.. why cant they become true things.. true people. why?

many people who are born have good family and friends and a relationship. even if people have life trouble.. its different.. they still have it there. when i go to work on a train i will look at people.. like a mother wh owill sit with a infant on the subway train.. and i will try from crying. "why? why cant i have a mother? when i am a infant no one holds me like that"

there is a time going to work when i see a young couple of 20 years with two babys. they are very happy and talking with the children. the children are very cute nahd healthy.. they smile and laugh and talk loud like all children. i cryed that day and some people notice, they look at me weird but i try not to show anyone. it hurt so bad to see that thing. no sibling who i can grow with.. no mother and no father. no boyfriend. no friends.

so i am here now. i maybe forget some things to write also.. but i am at my end now. i am happy now i decide to end my life some day soon.

there is nothing left. when i have a body for men to use, i can feel fake love for a minute while they rape me. but now i am skinny and pale. i am ugly with cuts and burns i do to my self. so that is the only thing i have and it is gone. i am with out any thing now.

i want to say this.. because other people here are depressed and in pain to. for many different reasons. but if you have a family or friends, i want to tell you feel better and love the people who love you. i will give every thing in the universe for one person to love me. people love and loved.. but not every one is lucky. some people like me are so ugly and disgusting, i cant get love. only the fake people in my head.

i am sorry this is very long. i still think i forget some things but oh well. i dont care if any one will comment. please dont feel sad. i am okay or i will be soon
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thankl you to a few people who talk to me here.
it is the only time i talk to people.. even if you say you care and it is fake, i will thank you for it.
i hope i will be reborn as a happy and attractive person. if there is a next life, i will be reborn as a person with parents who love me and a boyfriend who will treat me very good. many best friends and i can maybe go to college.. i can have a nice dog and be very happy. please wish me luck for this.


Staff Alumni
Hi mokumokuren1,

I've spoken to you a few times in SF chat. You aren't disgusting. If anyone deserves to be called "disgusting," all of the people throughout your life who have abused you are the ones that are disgusting. :hugtackles:

I've always had the desire to love and be loved. I think all of us have that desire to some extent. When I was a kid, I often daydreamed about having more friends who cared for me. It was like an artificial reality for me. On a similar note, I just wanted to comment and let you know that I am listening to what you read. :hug:

Take care,



Well-Known Member
I can somewhat relate to your pain. I have problems with borderline pyschosis(I'm fairly sure that isn't even a real diagnosis, but I'm definately a very....odd person). I've tried to survive by daydreaming(much like you have), relying on addictions to smoking, cola, various forms of self harm. It kinda works for me but that's because I'm crazy. I only go to school because my parents make me and there isn't much else for me to do. I don't bother brushing my teeth these days, I think I'll get them pulled out one day. I don't really need them and I can always just get a set of false teeth. I'll probly still be living at my parents place when I'm 40. My nieces and nephews will be like "why does uncle live and grandma's house?". My siblings will probly say something like "he's a stupid idiot." Or "he's is a sick old man". But I somehow doubt I'll make it to 40. If I do, I'll be completely alone, isolated. Chances are, I'll end up dieing of heart related problems, or most likely cancer. Doesn't fuss me though, I couldn't really care less. Everyone drops dead in the end.

What I'm trying to say by that random wall of text is that I guess I can relate.

Or something.

I don't really reply much to threads because there isn't much of use I can say.



Owner Emeritus
I just want you to know that there are people here who genuinely care. :hug: SF is a place for support, but it can also be a place for friendship. You don't have to go through this alone anymore.

If you want to talk, or are just feeling lonely, you can PM me anytime, and I know there are others who will be there for you too.

Also want to add that it isn't your fault the animals died. You didn't do it to them, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You aren't a bad person. The reason those animals died is because other people hurt them, not you, and it isn't your fault at all.
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